In a Blink of an eye

...life goes fast. Since I just got home from camp I couldn't help but think of how fast it went. Starting in January I started my prep for camp and as camp got closer and closer I become very nervous for an assortment of reasons. I thought that camp was going to go slow as it usually does but I don't think It has ever gone this fast. Not even last year as I was waiting for Saul to be born!
 During orientation I still had some final prep work to finish before the campers came that following Monday and I was ready to go and very excited to get camp started. I blinked and week 1 was already over. Thankfully no major incidents occurred minus a few bumps and bruises. I was filing paper work and getting ready for week 2 and I blinked...week 2 was over. Honestly It felt like that for the entire 6 weeks. And it got me thinking about life
 When I had Hannah I was always told "your going to blink and she will be grownup," and to be honest its kind of true. In December she will be 4! I still cant believe it. This time last year I was freaking out knowing I was going to meet my gender suprise baby boom boom in a few days and now he's almost 1! Where did the time go?
 Life moves pretty fast whether we want to admit it or not. And to be honest I will never have this moment right here right now. On July 10th 2017@ 924am. Next thing I know i will be July 10th 2020 at 924am.We need to make the best of this moment we have right now because we will never get it again. I know I am majorly at fault for well sometimes being"lazy" and not playing with my kids like I should but I need to remember how fast life goes and that as clique as all this sounds I need to live in the moment especially with my kids because I wont get it again.  Sometimes that can be hard to think about but its true. I vow to my children that no matter how tired I am I will live in the moment with them (even if it means playing Cinderella with Hannah 100x a day)

XO
Leah

P.S Now that I am home from camp I hope to be able to post at least a weekly blog so be on the lookout!

Two Parts to Mothers Day

Mothers day is always a day filled with different types of emotions. This year Mothers day hit my like a ton of bricks. Not going to lie it was a terrific day (even though 3 out of 4 members of our tribe were sick) So why is it that towards the end of the day I felt overcome with Guilt and found myself crying outside?
Lets start at the begining of the day I was able to sleep in an extra hour thank you to my amazing husband.  After, we went to my favorite diner and I got my all time favorite breakfast, and I got to enjoy it while it was hot since Kyle cut and fed Saul. Once breakfast was over I got some DD coffee and I even got to go inside the store! First time seeing the inside of the New dunkin donuts haha yes its the litle things in life. Then the biggest suprise of the day going to Target! It was so nice perusing the aisles and Trying on clothes alone. Of course I could have spent all day in there but Saul was getting pretty restless.  So homeward bound we went. That night Homemade tacos and one of my favorite movies Clue. It was a perfect day celebrating being a mother to these two precious babes. Did I mention Kyle did the dishes too!
While Kyle was cooking dinner I felt so overcome with emotions that I went outside while the sun was setting and just cried. Dont get me wrong I am so incredibly thankful to be a mother to Hannah and Saul but I cant help feel like Im neglecting being a mother to Sage and Presley. Sage made me a mother for the first time but most people think it was Hannah because you can see her and shes the older out of her and Saul. But Nope I have been a mother since June 2012 even though Hannah wasnt born until Dec2013.  Its so hard to realize that I will never get homemade Mothers day cards from Sage or Pres, Ill never get to hug them squeeze them or tell them how proud I am. Ill never get to see them graduate high school, or get married. The thoughts of what I will be missing out came flooding to my mind and they were thoughts that well quite frankly I never thought about before. But why on Mothers day?
Because Mothers day is a celebration of mothers. Whether you can see the children that made those women mothers or not. Every woman should be celebrated, and my one hope is that every woman found a reason to smile that day.
XO
Leah

8 months Later

July 14th 2016  I sat in a room alone not being able to sleep. After just giving birth the two days prior and having a day full of visitors, visiting myself and new son, I was mentally and physically exhausted. It was a hard day and I needed to see my son. It was 10pm and I went out into the hallway and cried to my nurse about how I was feeling. I just wanted to hold him and make sure he was okay. I was nervous something happened while I wasn't watching. My nurse so sweet said of course I could see him take him back to my room and hold him. I sat with him and cried and cried and cried. Eventually I talked to my doctor and was obviously diagnosed with  postpartum depression and anxiety.
Fast Forward to March 7 2017 and I found myself in the exact same room and the same chair I was in 8 Months ago. I was going in for a regular follow up and my midwife was on the labor delivery unit waiting for a new mother to give birth. They asked if I could go upstairs and see my midwife which is something they never do. I went not realizing what would happen.
So I get upstairs and they tell me to go to room 5 and she will be in there soon. I go and sit (with both kids) and look out the window and realize I am in the same room that I was in 8 months ago. I was sitting and comparing how I felt then to how I felt now and boy was there a huge difference. I wasnt anxious (or sore from giving birth) I was happy. It was overwhelming to be back in the room. I missed having the excitement of a new baby, and the new baby cuddles, but the depression and anxiety I could do without. I was so happy that I no longer felt the way I did last time I was in that room. Once I realized where I was I quickly snapped a picture of the spot I sat when I took the original picture. Of course I wish I moved the chair over, grabbed Saul, and recreated it but that would have taken a little bit. I am just happy where I am at now and I cant wait to see how I will feel in another 8 months

Xo
Leah

Dear 16yr old me..

 I have a lot to tell you so I hope you are ready for it! Better take a seat just incase
Dear 16yr old me,
 I am sorry to tell you but your dreams of becoming a Police Officer never happen. But, instead you became a Nurse!
Dear 16yr old me,
 Remember how you said you would never get married or have children.....well you did both! You got married at 21 to an amazing man. A man who is so much greater then you ever expected. And you have 4 children! Sage, Hannah, Presley, and Saul
Dear 16yr old me,
 I am sorry to tell you but unfortunately two of those children (Sage, Presley) you never got to meet. Those two seperate incidences will be some of the roughest things you will ever go through. But I am here to tell you, you will get through them and you always try to keep their memory alive!
Dear 16yr old me
Do you remember that summer camp your brother worked at? Well your going to start working there next summer!
Dear 16yr old me,
When you leave for camp and your mother says " you never know you could meet your future husband at camp.." believer her!
Dear 16yr old me,
Life is hard! There will be many times in your life when you just aren't sure what is happening. Life will throw you more then a few curveballs but, you take them like a catcher in a baseball game and you come out stronger on top.
Dear 16yr old me,
 Life doesnt turn out how you wanted. Its not all rainbows and unicorns its hard. But trusting in God and having your husband and children by your side you are able to do anything! and life is so much better then you wanted!
Dear 16yr old me,
 I am so proud of you!

XO
Leah

If you could go back in time and tell the younger version of your self something what would it be?

An insightful Dream

Obviously if you follow this blog you know my struggles with Postpartum depression. It's a never ending battle and I'm assuming, after a dream the other night it's on my mind even when I'm sleeping.
After talking with doctors switching around some things I finally found a regiment to help me feel semi normal. But after a dream I had my eyes are more open and I am so much more aware of what is going on more than what medication or talking it out can do.
So this dream...it started that I had a weekend full of weddings to attend. The last wedding was for a women named Alison and once I got to the reception (held at my home church) I was questioned as to how I knew the bride. I couldn't answer and was accused of stalking the wedding. I realized I was my mother's plus one but due to the allegations I left. As I was walking to my car I noticed a baby stroller with a baby in it so I  started to walk towards it to see if the baby was in need. Once I realized the baby's father was around I decided to keep going instead of turning around to my car. I ended up walking through what looked like Camden NJ at night and realized many people needed help. I then noticed I had a fanny pack full of bandaids and antibiotics ointment and helped everyone I could. I continued walking and noticed the walls were covered in writing, the writing that you would see under a black light. These writings were words and sentences that I have found my self saying to myself in the past. as I was walking I was essentially getting lost within this building, covered in these not so nice sentences. As I was walking just trying to find a way out I didn't know what to do. Eventually I saw a light and ran towards it. It got brighter and brighter and brighter until I realized I was outside! It was beautiful! I was in what looked to be a realistic future with hover cars and robots and also noticed the year was 2982. Meaning everyone I loved was not around anymore (yes yes I know I wouldn't be around either but it was a dream.)
When I woke up it was as if I woke up from a fog. It all made sense! That dream was showing me that if I keep in this dark depression state I  am going to miss out on so much, with my kids, with my husband, with the one life I have. I'm not one to ever interpret dreams but I honestly believe it was my subconscious telling me to shape up. But since that dream I have been happy, more aware of my actions and quite frankly I have laughed. It's been a long time since I've laughed and it was so nice. So I think it's safe to say that my dream was a wish my heart made (without me realizing it of course lol)

XO
Leah

I'm (not) Fine

Those words not in parthensis are the words I've uttered to myself and those around me for the past month.  Unbeknownst to any of us my depression and anxiety slowly crept back into my life. It started lightly by me having no motivation to clean my house, or take care of myself. I attributed it to just being legitimately tired. I found myself just wanting to sit and cry, go back to bed and not deal with life, of course I thought it was just being overwhelmed with kyle traveling so much. I would check on the kids every hour during the night (usually it was the one hour Saul actually slept) to make sure they were breathing and okay. If I tried to convince myself they were okay I would nearly go into a panic attack of what ifs.
Obviously my PPD/PPA is different then others. The stigma with Post Partum Depression is that since I've been diagnosed with it I want to harm myself or my children. That is very untrue in my case. I want my children to be safe but I am not doing anythung to enrich their lives. There has been way to much TV time for my liking, barely any playtime, I was just doing what I had to do to get through the day until I could go back to sleep. Looking back on it all it makes me so upset at all those missed opputunities to teach and play. Those are times I will never get back and my depression stole it from me.
Yesterday 2/6 is when it all came to the front of my mind. I was sitting in a meeting and ready to run out of there. I stopped and thought to myself my goodness what is going on with me and then it hit, I am depressed. After it was over I raced out to call my doctor since everything made so much sense now. I cried on the phone explaining my feelings and everything that has happened. We agreed to try some different things and meet in a few weeks to see if any other adjustments need to happen.
The journey of depression is a rough one. I'm not quite sure when I will be as happy as I once was but I know it will happen and I'll get to that point. Now, that I realized what was wrong I can make the changes that need to happen so my family isn't deprived of fun memories with mom.

XO
Leah

Starry eyed, sleep deprived, mombiefied

That pretty much sums up life since Saul was born almost 6 months ago! To be honest Saul is an awful sleeper. Like 15min catnap here and there. On a good night ill get 4hours of sleep (not consectivly more like a half hour here and there maybe an hour thrown in) To say I'm tired is an understatement. Last night was the worst he was up all night! And when he's awake the whole world knows. I got tired of getting up and down so I brought him downstairs to "cuddle" Yes cuddling is in quotes since my boy doesn't cuddle, try cuddling a cat and that's like trying to cuddle Saul lol. But while we were downstairs I realized something...
I love this! Yes I am exhausted and forget my own name but while I was nursing him I realized how quiet it was. It reminded me of the first snow fall when there's no cars outside and it's a beautiful quiet. I looked down at my not so sleepy nursing son and he gave me the biggest giggle and smile. And I realized this time with him won't last. This time of just me and him before the busyness of the day will soon be a memory. During the day between cleaning the house and entertaining the toddler I don't get a ton of time with my boy so this time while the rest of the world is sleeping is our time. And even though it would be a gift to get 5 straight hours of sleep for now ill take this sleep deprivation. In a blink of an eye he will be a toddler and then a teenager and then hopefully married and moved out, soon he won't need me as much as he does now. I gotta take the good with the bad, look at the silver lining ya know all those cliche sayings.
So the next time you see me with bags under my eyes so bad Michael Korhs named a purse after them, just know that on the inside I absolutely love this life I was given, sleep deprivation and all!

XO
Leah

Addiction

When you hear the word addiction you probably think about the big ones,the ones you hear about needing rehab for, the addictions that ruin relationships and can cause riffs in families. But, did you know there is another addiction than can have similar effects but isnt talked about. This particular addiction is literally right in the palm of your hand...smartphones.
I unfortunately have an addiction to my smartphone and it is awful! Having a smartphone I have easy access to addicting social media sites where instead of being a doting wife and loving mother I'm looking at what Sally had for lunch and the fact that Tina and Jim broke up again. during this season of life, ya know the one were I'm raising tiny humans, is that information really that important...no. I mean its wonderful Sally had a salad for lunch and I'm happy Tina broke up with Jim since he treated her like dirt, but how does knowing that better my life. Honestly it doesn't, but then why do I spend hours upon hours scrolling mindlessly through these social media sites. To be honest I have no idea but with having the computer in the palm of my hand it's so easy to pick up and start scrolling. Now I will admit it sometimes I need a mommy timeout which is a fine time to start scrolling, for a set amount of time usually when the kids are having quiet time since naps are non-existent right now.  But not scrolling for hours or setting social media as a higher priority.
When my children get older I want them to remember me as a good mom,a mom who tried, a mom who played, not a mom with a phone attached to her hand and always looking down. I've already taken steps to solve that problem. I've deleted all social media and internet off my phone so it is a "basic phone" until my phone contract is up. I've set time limits and on my certain times of days when I can be online.  Unfortunately That means pictures of the kids will be less frequent. But I promise you'll still see them. And since I just received a kindle and we have a home computer I'll still be blogging. So no worries about that. Hopefully I can keep this up especially since its almost January 1st meaning it's a new year to start fresh!

XO
Leah

Getting my life back!

A little backstory since 2012 I have had on and off pain. Sometimes I could go months with no pain others i was in and out of the hospital. Since having Saul in July I have been in constant pain. In and out of the hospital. My depression worsening, feeling like I was living in the fog of just trying to make it through the day. Its been rough. I couldnt do the things I loved because they caused more pain, heck just getting out of bed was painful. All this pain was physical and emotional.  Finally I had enough. I thought I knew what was causing this pain and I needed it out! After speaking to my doctor we set a date to get my ovary and my appendix removed. Keeping our fingers crossed that this was the answer. Surgery day came and I was a mess! Ive had many surgeries in the past but having surgery as a mom is hard! I had so many fears going into surgery regarding my children and my husband, and of course worry that after surgery the pain would still be there. Surgery went off without a hitch and that day I was feeling great! Other than recovery pain the pain I was feeling was gone! It was as if the block in my body was removed and my right side felt empty. Two weeks later I feel terrific! I have not felt that pain since surgery day. I am now so excited for life! My depression is so much better, I am happier, enjoying my children and my life. I finally have my life back! Im excited to get back on bike, and do yoga without the pain holding me back. Heck I even enjoy my household chores! It blows my  mind how much my perspective on life has changed since I am pain free. To be quite honest I am so incredibly exhausted from Saul not sleeping but I am happy and oh so thankful!

XO
Leah

Product Reviews 11/21

All of what I express is my own unbiased opinion. I did receive this products at a discounted price but everything I say is my own and was not influenced in any which way.

NYB Arabic Scrub
https://www.amazon.com/Natural-Arabica-Coffee-Organic-Ingredients/dp/B01LZDS706/ref=sr_1_1_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1478535197&sr=8-1&keywords=new+york+biology+coffee+scrub

let's Chat about this #coffeescrub! okay I love love love coffee so being able to rub it on my body is a win win! there is no harsh aroma with this scrub I mean it just smells like glorious #coffee. I've used scrubs before that have used Mits or stick applicators but honestly I just use my bare hands to rub it on my problem areas. My skin does feel smoother but I'm not seeing a decrease in my #stretchmarks yet.

 SwissVita Eye Serum
http://www.amztk.com/eye-cream-for-wrinkles

I'm a mom to two adorable children....who hate sleep. With that being said the bags under my eyes should have their own zip code. I've been using this under eye Serum twice a day for a few days and I look like a new person! I don't need as much concealer and it looks like I have actually slept more than a few hours in the past week! This #micrite3d is a life saver! The only issue I have with it is that after I use it, under my eyes feels a bit sticky. But I can honestly look past that since it works!

SelpHbalance Mosquito bands
http://amzn.to/2etGtqO

I hate mosquitos they drive me crazy! I love being outside in the summer but I feel like these bugs prevent me from enjoying that. this #mosquit looks to be a product I have needed in my life. I love that the package is #resealable to keep all the good in. Also it comes with 12 different bands! one color per family member. I Love that wearing this I don't have to worry about spraying myself or my children with those nasty sprays! This saves the Hassel and keeps everyone protected. the smell is not overwhelming like that of #bugspray. Once you take the band off your skin doesn't smell like it either. Which in my opinion is great!

HealthyWiser Water test strips
https://www.tomoson.com/account/your-reviews

I Think it is extremely important to know what is in your water! These test strips from HealthyWiser show just that! It's so easy to use. Once you open the cap there are four vacuum sealed bags filled with tests. You then take a strip and put it horizontally in your drinking, pool, spa, shower,fish water for 30 seconds. After you take it out, DO NOT SHAKE, and then compare your test strip to the legend on the side of the bottle. So easy! Some of the things you can test for are nitrates, water hardness, alkaline.

XO
Leah

I Cant Do this Alone..

Being a mom is hard! For the past week I cant even tell you how many times I found myself sitting in the hallway of the kids room crying listening to them cry as they both didn't want to nap. Yesterday I reached my breaking point. Saul hasn't been sleeping at all no naps no sleeping during the night it is exhausting! and on top of that Hannah has hit the terrible threes. She skipped over the terrible twos but this terrible three holy smokes its rough! Yesterday Hannah got sent to her room for getting in trouble and  I of course attempted to put Saul down for a nap. Both kids simultaneously screaming and crying and me sitting in the hallway silently crying along with them. I sat there with tears streaming down my face and I just prayed. I prayed to God to help me, give me the strength to get through this because I cant do this alone. Ive tried but I have failed. I have failed over and over again because I simply was trying to do things alone. I don't know why sometimes I think I am stronger than I am. Why I think I am wonder woman who can take care of everything without God. Now I am not saying I have run from my faith that is simply not true. But in the times of trials I forget to turn to Him, because during these rough times He truly is the only one who can give me rest. Not the close your eyes and go to sleep rest (even though I do need that) but, the rest that my heart and my mind need. This season is a rough one, Im trying to be a good wife to my husband, housewife to my house, and mother to my children. Without the help from God I will be drained easily and burned out and not enjoying this season as much as I could be. Honestly, the only thing I can think of is Satan knows I am weak right now. There is a lot going on in my life that I haven't shared yet on this blog, so he is attacking me. It doesn't help that I have PPD so there are days where I feel like a crappy human being anyway.  He knows my weakness just like God does but Satan being who he is attacks that and makes things so much worse! I need to pray and strengthen my faith even more during these times. I have learned the hard way that I cant do this alone and I plan on keeping that in the front of my mind because its a truth that I need to be reminded of daily. God doesn't give me more than I can handle, but sometimes I do feel pushed to my limits (aka surviving on no sleep) But I'm going to turn to Him and Ill get through it. So no matter what season of life you are in, remember your not in this alone!

XO
Leah

Product Reviews

Lately I have been able to review some pretty awesome products for free or at a discounted price in exchange for my honest opinion. These are a few of the awesome products I was able to test.

 Anxiety & Stress Relief with Tranquility Synergy
 https://www.amazon.com/Tranquility-Synergy-Anxiety-Relief-Support/dp/B01BDJERKK/ref=sr_1_13?ie=UTF8&qid=1477933665&sr=8-13&keywords=anxiety+remedy&m=A6FVX63KQA3ZR&tag=transbiz03-20

 I Struggle wit anxiety and stress. Honestly It has just been a part of my normal day to day life. I was given this product to review and at first I was extremely skeptical. I did not think some smelly oil was going to help me feel better. But that "smelly oil" exceeded my expectations! To start it smells Great! I applied it to the back of my neck before bed and honestly I haven't been able to sleep that well in years! When I was feeling anxious or stressed I would apply a few drops to my wrist and rub it in. It worked nearly instantly.This product is wonderful and does just what it says it will. As an added bonus it didn't leave my skin feeling oily or greasy. This little bottle ( and the awesome bag it came in) will go with me everywhere!

  Weight Management & Appetite Control with SlimWay Grapefruit Synergy
https://www.amazon.com/SlimWay-Synergy-Management-Appetite-Suppressants/dp/B01BDEXQNY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1477933673&sr=8-1&keywords=natural+weight+loss&m=A6FVX63KQA3ZR&tag=transbiz03-20

 This oil is made by the same company. I had the same thoughts using this as well. This also smells amazing, and I used it twice a day rubbing on my stomach in a clockwise circle as well as behind my ears. Unfortunately I am still waiting for the results. I don't feel an decrease in my appetite. I wont stop using it though because I truly believe this will work. I plan on doing some research to see if there are other places I can put it like pressure points and what not. So we will see!

MEIKEER
Women's Classy Short Sleeve Cut Out Belted Casual Party Cocktail Dress
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B019Y2LMQU/ref=yo_ii_img?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Beautiful Casual dress. It fits like a glove, so if you have any problem areas around the stomach or hips I would suggest Spanx. The color in my opinion is a bit more blue than the green than I expected but nonetheless it is a beautiful color. It zippers up the back and once zipped it is fairly discreet. Also comes with a nice belt. The belt has a bit of shine to it especially when outside, but not terrible. This dress also has very nice cap sleeves as well as the bottom which are excatly like the dress iI the stock photo. The material is a nice stretchy material so once the dress is on you do not feel like you are suffocating which is a bonus I feel.


Stretch Mark Remover and Anti Scar oil
http://www.amztk.com/synergy-for-stretch-mark-removal

Just like with the other Oils I was a skeptic. I tried this oil twice a day in two different areas of my body. I tried it on my newer stretch marks from having Saul 4 months ago, as well as the stretch marks on my legs from gaining weight. I must admit the stretch marks on my legs seem to have faded very nicely and they are almost unnoticeable. The stretch marks on my stomach on the other hand did not fade very well. Im assuming that it is because they are fresher. There are a few that have faded though so Im not sure what the difference is. I still enjoy this product and will continue to use it. I am also very glad that there is no awful smell too. For some reason I thought it would be sticky and greasy but it wasn't. Overall I think it is a great product!


Christmas Laser lights
http://www.amazon.com/Christmas-Waterproof-laser-lights-Decoration/dp/B01IDAQY5I/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&keywords=christmas+laser+lights

So I have heard that Christmas Laser lights are the new thing. and I can see why! These are amazing! It makes decorating for Christmas so easy! I love the way it looked on the house and there was no setup at all. There were two things that I didnt like about this product. I didnt like how there wasnt a remote control to control the laser. I wish I had an on/off switch so I could turn the lights on in the comfort of my own home. I also wish this was solar powered.  For this product you have to use a waterproof cord or else it doesnt work. If it was solar powered you wouldnt have to worry about having an outside outlet and an extra cord. But overall once it is set up it looks great!
XO Leah

Why Do you blog?

Honestly, Ive been thinking about this a lot. Why in the world did I start this blog and what were my original intentions vs how the blog developed. I started this little blog as an online diary of sorts. I have an awful memory and quite frankly I started to write so in a few years I wont forget this important season of my life. I never thought I would share my life with the world, and be as open and honest as I have been. There have been many times I have thought to myself if I really wanted to post certain blogs. My Presley and Sage posts as well as my PPD are all situations that I have gone through that were/ are still tough to deal with. Those posts I must have sat and thought should I post these, will anyone read them, will people look at me differently, for a very long time after writing them. Obviously I posted them and I am so glad I did. The outpouring of love and that other people have gone through the same things is why I will continue to write. I decided that I was going to post the good the bad and the ugly about my life as a mother, and as a wife. Im sure there will be posts where people will roll there eyes, but hopefully all who read will laugh and cry along with me. When It comes to motherhood its an exhausting job and not very pretty. Trust me Im trying to figure out if its my skin or my shirt that smells like sour milk right now. But its an amazing and rewarding job. Being a wife is a tough job too. Trying to be the best for my husband and keeping him sane once he comes home from work. Stressful at times but still amazing. I hope you continue to stay with me on this journey and enojoy reading what I write. Also If anyone has ideas of what they would like me to write feel free to share. Somedays theres not enough coffee and I cant think of what to write haha. XO Leah

Monday Deal Madness

Lately Ive been able to receive products from companies at discounted and even free prices and give my honest opinion. On Mondays (not every Monday) I will share these awesome deals and my honest opinion on certain products.

UKCOCO Phone stand

https://www.amazon.com/UKCOCO-Multi-Angle-Adjustable-Adhesive-Smartphones/dp/B01KF3XCKG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1475852400&sr=8-1-spons&keywords=UKCOCO+phone+stand&psc=1

 Not going to lie at first  I thought seriously its just a lowsy piece of plastic with some tape. But boy was I wrong. This little piece of plastic is the best phone stand I have ever purchased.  There are seven different levels of height as well as a lock in tab. It was so easy to put on my phone and so easy to use. I love that now I can record videos without having to prop my phone up on something and play music the same way. The only downfall is once its on your phone its on your phone. If you want it on a different phone or phone case you would have to buy a new one.

 Patella Knee strap

https://www.amazon.com/Arthritis-Basketball-Sports-Athletic-Volleyball/dp/B017CA2MOW/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1475852633&sr=8-10&keywords=patella+knee+strap

Lately when I run or bike my one knee always hurts either in the middle or as soon as Im finished my workout. I have tried other braces before and honestly nothing worked. I always ended up coming home putting my knee up out of frustration and icing it. I had high hopes for this product and I am so glad it worked! No Pain! Its extremely comfortable to wear and you adjust it to your specifications so no worries about adjusting it during your workout. I absolutely love this product!


Non Slip Antibacterial Bath Mat Deluxe

https://www.amazon.com/Anti-Bacterial-Deluxe-Shower-inches-White/dp/B01GLSGCJM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1475853028&sr=8-1&keywords=non+slip+anti-bacterial+bath+mat+deluxe



I love a good bath Mat. To be honest the floor of any bath or shower really freaks me out. Even in my own house. This Bath mat is great. It has suction cups on the underside that suctions to the floor and it doesnt move when  wet. As far as the mit goes I was worried it would be too thin but, it wasnt. I felt like like it did a great job of scrubbing my skin and all the dead skin cells. * I was given this product for free to give my honest and unbiased opinion*


2 in 1 photo lense

https://www.amazon.com/EvershopUniversal-Professional-Camera-iPhone-Galaxy/dp/B016IGBEI6/ref=sr_1_cc_7?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1475853547&sr=1-7-catcorr&keywords=2+in+1+photo+lense

I'm a mom of two little ones so of course I love to take pictures of them and I dont always have my regular camera. This product I wasnt too sure of at first. It has two different lenses, a wide lense, and a macro lense. I love the wide lense It works so much better than I originally thought. The only downside to it is It doesnt fit over my phone case. So If I want to use the clip with the lenses I have to remove my case which gets quite annoying. I do like though that the clip, two lense, and caps come in a little baggie to keep everything together and clean.

Whitening Serum with AC-11

https://www.amazon.com/Swissvita-Whitening-Cream-Serum-AC-11/dp/B01CN98EKS/ref=sr_1_68?ie=UTF8&qid=1476109218&sr=8-68&keywords=lightening+cream&tag=transbiz03-20

 Some days I love the way my skin looks other days I absolutly hate it, especially since having Saul, I feel like since giving birth my face is very blotchy and uneven. I was given this product to test and i must say after using it twice a day for a few days I can notice a change. My skin feels a lot smoother as well as more even. Im excited to see how much better my skin will look as I use it more. * i was given this product free or a discounted price to give my honest opinion*

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Micrite 3D All Use Anti wrinkle Cream

So I dont have wrinkles (yet) but I am sure this product will come in handy in the near future! But I still wanted to give it a try. I Noticed with this cream it is very lightweight. It doesnt feel like I have a pile of lotion on my face. And there is no scent which I think is an added bonus. A little dab can really cover a good portion of someones face to which is nice. *I was given this product free or at a discounted price to give my honest opinion* To find this cream go to https://www.amazon.com/Swissvita-Anti-Wrinkle-Cream-AC-11/dp/B01CN98DK4/ref=sr_1_178?ie=UTF8&qid=1476657983&sr=8-178&keywords=anti+wrinkle+cream&tag=transbiz03-20
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Skin Serum

Let me just say this has been my part of my daily routine and I couldnt imagine a day without it! I use a little bit all over my face twice a day and I can really see a difference! Like the other two creams it is lightweight, odorless, and a little bit goes a long way. I feel like when I put makeup on in the morning it goes on better and stays on longer. When I use the cream at night my face feels hydrated and refreshed. I love this! *I was given this product free or at a discounted price to give my honest opinion* Find this product at https://www.amazon.com/Swissvita-Anti-Aging-Serum-AC-11/dp/B01CN98D8G/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1476658275&sr=8-1&keywords=anti+aging+cream&tag=transbiz03-20
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XO
Leah

You are (not) a failure....

..you are an awful mother
..why dont you just stay in bed all day
..just run away to a hotel and sleep
..your a terrible housewife
..youve failed at being a mother and a wife
..youll never be happy again..

Those are the thoughts that have been in my head for what feels like daily.  As many of you know I struggle with post partm depression and anxiety. It has been a very long journey since Saul was born. But finally after being put on medication I was Happy again. Genuinely happy. but now Im wondering were did  that happiness go?  A few weeks ago i found out i had an ovarian cyst burst yet again. i decided to go on medication to see if i could prevent those from happening again. Since the medication i am on does affect hormones it seems that it is unfortuantly affecting my depression medication as well. Which is so incredibly frustating. Ive made so much progress and now I feel like Im back at where I started and all of the progress ive made is gone. Im between a rock and a hard place so to speak. Either stick with this new medication  and pray my levels even out soon and possibly fix my cyst issue until i can have surgery. Or go off the new medication have the possibiliy of pain but be happy.
 Depression is seriously ugly and I hate every second of having it. I wish it was a quick fix like just don't think about it, but it's not like I can do that. I can't not just think about it it takes over and I have no energy and a short temper. I know I'll get this figured out but the right here right now stinks!
 When those ugly thoughts pop into my head I just have to remind myself
..you are a great mother
..get out of bed and enjoy your day because you won't get this day again
..don't run away you'll be missed
..you are a good housewife!
..you are not a failure!
..you WILL be happy again

XO
Leah

Evaulating life..

A few weeks ago a super scary situation happened to me and quite frankly Im still a little shaken up. I went to the ER with another ovarian cyst. I knew it burst and this wasnt the first time this has happened so  I knew what would happen while I was in the ER.  Of course I had no idea how fast things can go bad. As I was sitting in my ER room going through many tests to pretty much confirm the cyst pain, I was overcome with pain more unbearable than the contractions I felt giving birth twice. I hit my call bell my nurse friend came rushing in seeing how in pain I was  and got an order for more pain medication quickly. After sometime I finally got relief but I was feeling super nauseated and so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. All of a sudden I heard a bunch of beeping coming from the machine next to me and just like in the movies here comes the rush of staff oxygen thrown on me and the head of my bed lowered quickly. I got a glimpse of the machine to see my pulse ox dropped to 73. The nurse said my bp dropped quite low as well due to the pain meds but I didnt see what that was (I usually run  between 95/60-110/60 so I cant imagine what it was) In that moment I honestly thought I wasnt going to make it. Ive been through many different medical scares but nothing like that. I thought about Kyle how I wished I would have spent more time with him and been nicer to him on some occasions. I thought how I wish I would have spent more time playing with Hannah and watching Saul grow up. I know I know I probably overreacted and I was no where near death but it really shook my world. And I got to thinking what in the world has taken more of my time than my family? Then it hit me like a ton of bricks...social media
Social media you know instagram, facebook, the internet in general. My eyes are glued to my phone as I peruse the internet and looking at the way others live and spending more time with  said others instead of with my family so to speak. So I decided to take an internet break for about a week and man did it feel good! I didnt have the feeling of needing to know who broke up with who, what food someone was eating, the latest trends nothing. I spent time with my family in the moment and I loved every second of it, and to be honest I really debated on deleting all of my social media accounts. Of course as you can tell I decided not to (mainly because I think people would miss seeing Hannah and Saul) but Ive decided to really really limit my time on there as well as only go on certain times of the day. I hate how easy the internet is to access to be honest and not gonna lie I cant wait for my phone contract to be up so I can get a nonsmart phone and wont have the temptation right at the tip of my hands. But until then I'm going to put my phone in the drawer and go hangout with my family because Hannah and Saul will only be this young once and I dont want to miss any of it!

XO
Leah

Product Review: Nestlé splash of fun

I always have trouble with my water intake during the day. But with nestle splash water it's made things so much easier! Thanks to influenster I was given the Nestlé Splash water in berry to try and to review. And I much say this water is amazing! It has just the right amount of splash. Not to overwhelming and tastes delicious! I can't wait to buy more and keep my fridge stocked! I may try the grape flavor next!
I give this product 😊😊😊😊😊 5/5

XO
Leah

Blog postings will resume next Wednesday

When you look at my face what do you see...

... the face of a new mother
 the face of a new mother to a two day old son...
These are the tears of said mother who lost a baby 1 year ago...
These are also the tears of a mother to a two day old son who cried for two hours straight...
These are the tears of a mother who is diagnosed with post partum depression two days after one of the happiest day of her life.
This is the face of someone who refused to be silent.
7/14/16
As I sit in my hospital room gazing at my newborn I can't help but feel sad and anxious. One of the worst feelings especially since I'm supposed to be happy, I am supposed to love being a new mom, but I dont. This is a hard journey I dont know if I am ready, Can I handle two kids, am I strong enough for this, am I going to fail. Its been a long day filled with anxiety, I dont want anyone else to hold my baby I dont want my baby to leave my room, I dont want anything bad to happen to him. I am the only one who can properly take care of him. I did it for 9 months and other than Kyle I dont want anyone else to hold him. I just want to sit here rocking him to sleep and cry, I am probably tired since I havent slept well for a few days and I am still having pain from a new c section. I wonder if I will ever feel "normal" if these feeling will ever go away...
8/4/16
What you just read was raw, I wrote that the thursday after I had Saul. I broke down at 2 am and talked to a nurse about how I was feeling. And I held Saul alone in my room and cried. I was nervous that after having so many visitors that he was shaken without me realizing it. Where those feelings came from I have no idea. That night is a night I will never forget. Those feelings of not being able to control my emotions were awful! I talked to my doctor that night and poured my heart out. I told her how I had anxiety of something bad happening to Saul. I haven't slept since I was nervous something would happen while I slept. That night I was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression for the second time in my life. And I was quickly put on medication that night for it.
 Most of the time when people hear the diagnosis of PPD they think the mother wants to hurt herself or her baby and doesnt want the baby. But, it can manfest differently in everyone. For myself it gave me extreme anxiety that something awful would happen to Saul. I didnt want him out of my sight or anyone else to hold him.
8/14/16
 It has now been a month since my diagnosis and honestly reading that top part is hard! I wrote that at a very difficult time. I am glad I did though, I was at my most vulnerable and its good to look back and see how far Ive come in a month. As far as my anxiety goes I am a lot better. Many people have held saul since then and I havent felt anxious, and I even left him with someone twice so I could run an errand and I didnt feel like anything awful would happen while I was gone. Now I do still have my bad days but I in no way feel how I felt that Thursday night.
 I am still getting medications adjusted since there are days I feel like I fake being happy. That I'm not as happy as I could be. That's not a fun feeling to have, but I know with the right adjustment and time I will feel better. Being on medication was something I wasn't very happy with at first. Like what is wrong with me I need medication to be happy. But I want to be the best mom for my kids, and the best wife for my husband, and if I need some medical help with that than Ill take it. I know I wont be on medication for these issues the rest of my life, but right now I need it, so right now Ill take it.
If you have ever felt this way or are feeling like how I felt I urge you to talk to someone it will be hard at first but I promise it will help

XO

Leah

I am a Mother

When I was younger any time I heard the word Mom I would think of my own mom, an "older" woman who has a lot of life experiences. I know I have two children whom I carried for 9 months and gave birth to but honestly I dont feel like a mom. I know, I know how can I not feel like a mom when I have a two year old who follows me around yelling mom, mom, mom. If you follow me on facebook you may remember how I talked about the fact that after Hannah was born I felt like I was just babysiting and waiting for someone to eventually take her back. Honestly thats how I felt again. I felt like I'm just babysitting these two adorable kids 24/7 waiting for someone to eventaully come and say thanks for watching them I'll take them now. Thankfully that wont happen.
Mainly I felt/feel this way because I can not believe God blessed me with these two incredible kids! What did I do to deserve this priveledge? I am no one special, yet I was chosen to mother these two kids. I remember after we lost Sage the feeling of Ill never be able to have children. Than once we lost Presley the feeling of Ill never be able to give Kyle a son since I was so sure Presley was a boy. I'm so glad that I learned to trust in God's plan and being okay with what he had decided for me no matter how hard it would be. And let me tell you it has not been an easy journey but its my journey.
 Now in no way am I a perfect mother. I definitely have my flaws. I mean Saul is currently in his swing, and Hannah is eating breakfast in front of the TV so I can have a few minutes alone before I start my day ( yes its currently 930am.) There are some days that I am not proud of my "mommy methods" aka a lot more tv time than I want, and a lot more toddler play by herself than I want. I know, isnt hannah playing alone a good thing? It is because she learns self play but more times than I like she wants me to play and I have to say no. But being a stay at home mom, especially to two kids, gets pretty busy even if my house looks like I didn't get anything cleaned.
 Ultimately my point of this post is I am Hannah, and Saul's mother, I am the only mother they have and I really hope that in their eyes I am doing a good job. I hope they don't remember the bad days, but they remember the good days. Like the days we played outside for hours on end, or the tea parties in the middle of the living room, and the dance parties while cleaning the kitchen. I am not a perfect mom, I have many many flaws but God gave these two perfect kids to me and I don't want to mess up my chance of raising them. In the end I am a mother, a sleep deprived, running on caffeine and sloppy kisses, endless loving, wouldn't have it any other way, Hannah and Saul's Mother.

XO
Leah

The Story of Saul

What a whirlwind pregnancy! I can't believe it's over and my precious baby is in my arms. Even though I felt overall better during this pregnancy emotionally it was so much harder. Having lost a baby a year earlier I was nervous this entire pregnancy. We obviously didn't decide to find out the gender and I think for my emotional well being it was a smart decision. I was convinced our previous baby was a boy and that's why we lost him. So I was convinced baby boom boom was a girl since I carried this baby to the end Boy oh boy was I wrong! Now let's get to his story
 We decided fairly early we wanted an "end date" since kyle is traveling to Ghana July 30th and we were due on the 15th. I wanted to make sure he would get time with the newborn before his trip so we decided to schedule a csection on the 12th (with the hope of going into labor and having a vbac before that date) I did in fact go into labor in regards to contractions but unfortunatly I never progressed which seems to happen to me. Anyway each doctor appointment we went to every doctor said they thought there was a big baby in there. With no ultrasound to confirm I was a little nervous if I would be able to do a vbac if the time came.
 We made it to the 12th with no signs of a vbac and after a sleepless night we arrived bright and early at 530am. The emotions I felt going into the hospital were so overwhelming. I had so many fears and so many worries that I think I cried to kyle numerous times I just wanted to go home. I was keeping this baby inside forever and I didn't want to go through it. I'm glad he didn't agree with me.
 I absolutely love our hospital and all the staff know our history so they are super sensitive and just overall sweet. We got to our room about 545 and signed all the papers and went through what the day was going to look like. I feel like time went so fast! Before we knew I was being rolled down to meet my baby. We met the staff who would be assisting in the surgery. Kyle and I prayed and he waited as I went back and was prepped. Of course after I got my spinal and was on the table I threw up everywhere which was pretty much the entire pregnancy anyway so why wouldn't the last day be any different.
 While the surgery was going on me and kyle just chatted as if it was just a regular day and my stomach wasn't getting ripped open. We waited in anticipation to find out what this precious baby was. As the doctor pulled boom out (yes I have pictures of him entering the world but they are pretty gruesome so I'll spare you) kyle got to look and tell me what the baby was. With tears he said it's a boy! To which I replied no its not it's a girl, after going back and forth, having all the staff tell me it's a boy and seeing a picture I broke down crying saying I have a son. I looked at kyle and said I gave you a son! We were both excited. While the surgery was still happening they brought Saul over and I got to do skin to skin. It was an incredible experience! I unfortunatly couldn't hold him for too long due to some shoulder pain but the time I had was everything I could have wanted. Everyone was quite curious how big he was since he was quite a large baby (he still looks tiny to me) Kyle went with him to get weighed as I finished up and met him back in recovery where he told me he was 10lbs 3oz 22inches  that is a big baby! But he is perfect! He nursed right away and was super content.
Hannah was the first person to meet him and had the privilege of telling the rest of the family that he was a boy. She absolutely adores baby brother and is so helpful I couldn't have asked for a better big sister for Sauly, as she calls him.
 We are adjusting to being home now, and it's a huge adjustment but things seem to be going well. Sauls days and nights were mixed up for a bit so we are still trying to set that straight. But thankfully he is nursing like a champ! Mommy is very happy she can drink more than 12oz of coffee lol. Big sister Hannah has adjusted very well to her new brother and is very protective of him. Kyle is cool calm and collective of course. And I am still recovering from surgery some days are better than others, but I'm anxious to get back into a routine.

Heading to the hospital to meet baby boom boom!

Skin to skin with my son

Hannah meeting baby brother for the first time

Saul Isaiah Robinson 

Father and Son, which happens to be my favorite picture! 

XO

Leah