Sorrow and Joy

As most of you know last week did NOT go as I planned at all. Unfortunately the rough week rolled into the weekend. I love going to church with my little family, it's such a great time to get closer to God and to learn about him, if I miss a week than quite frankly, I feel like my entire week is off. Sunday Kyle had to work in the morning but would still be home in time to go to church. So while he was at work I got up and got Hannah dressed and fed so we would be ready to walk out the door. This isn't the first time that this has happened so I have it down to a science. Well Ms Hannah had other plans. While Kyle was getting ready Hannah decided she didn't want to go to church and threw a huge fit out of sheer exhaustion. Kyle and I both agreed that there was no way we would get to church. So I put Hannah down for a nap changed into some comfy clothes and sat down next to Kyle on the couch. We decided to listen to church through the Internet. Kyle wanted to listen to a different service than the church we attended so we did. 

 I was very hesitant to listen over the computer because 1) I didn't want to space out or fall asleep 2) I've never heard this pastor preach, for some reason new pastors make me nervous. Well God knew what he was doing! The pastor preached on the joy that comes from sorrow. He talked about how we can go through rough patches (he specifically mentioned miscarriage) but there will be joy that comes from it. I thought wow! This is why we missed church because God wanted me to hear this message, he knew that my heart needed to hear this. As I struggled to hide my tears from Kyle I was ,of course, in awe of Gods timing. I felt like he did this just for me to remind me that with everything I've been through Joy will come. Now I have no idea in what form the joy will come, of course I hope the joy would be to get pregnant and in the end have another healthy child but I have no idea Gods plan. I don't know if the joy will be positive reactions from this blog, or help drawing people closer to Him. I have no idea. Am I excited to find out? You bet your butt I am! And once I figure it out I'll be sure to write about it. I'll leave you with the verse that I've been leaning on these past few months and that the pastor also mentioned in his sermon. Isaiah 61:3 "and to provide for those who grieve in Zion, to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of Joy instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair..." NIV

XO

Leah

When life gets to hard to stand..

This week has been hard! My goodness how much can one person take. Let me give a little back story. I've learned time and time again that as soon as I get super close to God Satan comes in and tries to screw things up. When me and Kyle became missionaries about a month later nearly all of our savings was stolen from us. I can't remember to many details about that day but I knew it was Satan trying his hardest to get to us. Since then it has been little things here and there. Unfortunately lately, I have not been the greatest wife. I have turned to anger so easily and have turned really good days with my husband into tension filled horrible days and for that I feel awful. Kyle, if your reading this I am so so sorry for those days.  We did have a really nice talk the other day where I told Kyle that it feels like some days, some situations I have a good Angel and a bad one on each shoulder and I've gone towards the bad one since it was easier. Ya know "get mad at Kyle because his shoes were in the middle of he floor again" "get mad at Kyle because he is helping at church instead of helping you" honestly really ridiculous stuff that I am so embarrassed about. Lately, I've been trying to be a more intentional wife. I've been trying to do my daily house cleaning (even the ones I hate) with a servant attitude because I know that is something that is helpful to my husband, who by the way works his butt off outside of the house so I can be home with Hannah. 

  Any way back to this week, I've been trying my hardest to be this intentional wife, and an intentional mom and bam like right on cue satan hits. I'm doing my best to serve my husband, and daughter the best I can and I hit a brick wall where I need to make a decision. Well I chose Gods side and I'm feeling the effects of Satan. I was in urgent care a week ago with a minor issue that isn't entirely fixed, my daughter has hit the terrible twos early (and boy are they terrible) and now my dog has fleas that I just can't get rid of. On Monday everything hit hard and I truely couldn't deal with it anymore. I was not strong enough to stand so I did something I haven't done in years I kneeled. I kneeled, cried, and prayed. I prayed out loud to God because quite frankly I am not strong enough to deal with life alone. I know that God thinks I'm pretty strong...hello summer of 2015, one I'll never forget, but sometimes I realize life is to hard to stand and I have to kneel. I have to become so vulnerable and cry out that I need Gods help because I am getting hit with way to much at once. Okay now I get what most people are saying fleas, urgent care, terrible twos doesn't sound like much and the miscarriage of Presley sounds like a much worse situation. But I have to disagree since they are terrible situations in their own ways. I truely believe Presley's, even Sages, situations happened to strengthen my relationship with God, they happened to make my testimony even stronger. The urgent care, terrible twos, flea situation is an attack by Satan. I've lived through these attacks before, it's a smaller situation but it can pack a punch. But anyway, it would be so easy to fall into his temptation of getting angry at Hannah, the dog, etc but in the long run what would that do? Absolutely nothing! I needed to kneel pray and give this all to God. He is bigger than me he is bigger than Satan and I know He will help me through all this.  This whole situation has helped me and Kyle become closer and he even found a way to joke about the situation since our house has never been so clean before. It looks like we just moved in. But hey I have a good reason to rearrange the house now right. I guess in the craziest of situations you have to find the positives. But in the end when life gets to hard to stand...kneel 

XO

Leah 

I am 1 in 4 for the second time.

This day last year I wrote about Sage's story which most people didn't know about. Regarding Sage's passing, I kept it pretty hush hush I guess because I was embarrassed that I wasn't able to sustain the pregnancy and I didn't have information on why I lost her (we don't know either baby's gender but I have a feeling deep inside of the gender of each). Never in a million years did I think that a year later I would be writing about two babies. 

 I am the face of a mother who has three children except you only see me with one. I have two children who will never feel pain, sadness who already met Jesus and who are at their eternal home waiting for mommy daddy and their sister. It's exciting to know that when I get to heaven that not only will I meet God face to face but I'm going to have two children whom I never met waiting for me with open arms and eager to finally meet their mommy. 

  I don't wish the loss of a child on anyone and as horrible as an experience it is, I'm happy that it happened to me. Because I lost my two children, that is one less person in the world who will feel this heartache, one less person who will have to sit and wonder who those children would have grown up to be, one less person who will celebrate a birthday with no physical child to blow out the candles because God chose me. God chose me to carry this heartache because he knew I could handle it even at times when I don't think I can. He knew that through the tears and pain that I would continue to praise him and trust in his plan. He knew that through these two blessings I would use my testimony to bring people closer to Him. He knew that through the heartache and ashes that beauty WILL rise. He knows that as I sit here tears streaming down my face and words jumbled that at least one person needed to hear these words today. 

  Beauty will rise from this just like it has before. Hannah is my first rainbow baby, and if we have another successful pregnancy that child will too be a rainbow baby. I don't know what else God and this life has in store for me. I don't know if I will have anymore Heavenly or Earthly children but I know that I need to keep looking to God and thank him for the good times and the bad times. He chose me for a reason to carry these two children in my heart instead of holding my hand. I'm blessed to have known them, I'm blessed to be their mommy and I can't wait to meet them as I love them and miss them very much. I am 1 in 4 and I wouldn't have it any other way 

XO

Leah

An introverts journey to extrovertism

I'm not even sure if extrovertism is even a word so sorry if it's not but it works for the title. 

  In my life I am surrounded by two extremely outgoing and super friendly people. Obviously that's Kyle and Hannah. Kyle has always been outgoing for as long as I've known him. He will meet a person and try to be the first to shake hands. He is comfortable in a room full of people. The same can be said for Hannah. She is so outgoing that it amazes me. We will walk through church and she will wave and say hi to everyone even those she doesn't even know. If you need a hug she will be the first to give you one. And then there is me...the complete opposite of those two. Being in a room full of people I don't know scares me. Being at camp surrounded by people 24/7 can be exhausting and my introvert personality makes me hide after being around people 24/7 for 6 weeks. Meeting new people I don't know the right time to handshake. Unless your my family and you give me a hug I have no idea how to react. Haha I'm so insanely awkward when it comes to that. But having a daughter who is outgoing I realized that me being mom and a role model I need to be less of a hermit and be more outgoing. 

  There's a show big bang theory that Kyle and myself enjoy. In one episode one character who has a hard time talking to women mets a lady who is just as awkward and she vows that she makes herself do something that she feels is uncomfortable every year. Well I made that vow on my journey to becoming an extrovert. I joined the choir at church. Yea that doesn't seem like a big deal but for me it is. I love signing (Hannah can vouch for that) so maybe doing something I love in front of a bunch of people would be helpful. Now this isn't a normal church this church has 1000 attendees and 2 services as well as its broadcasted. Nerve wrecking! I'm glad I didnt have to sing alone or anything that's for sure! The day of I so wanted to turn my car around and just say forget it but I didn't, I went, I sang, I conquered! Well kinda,  I did really enjoy myself though that's for sure. It was so much fun and I can't wait to do it again! Who am I turning into?!? Now I'm not an extrovert like Hannah and Kyle but I'm slowly getting there. I went to bible study yesterday and was actually talkative at my table and joined up to sing there too! Meeting new people sure I'll shake your hand, if I met you before oh why not lets hug it out! Hopefully this can last and all these things won't be so uncomfortable in a few months. But only time will tell I guess! 

XO

Leah

So since  I don't have any pictures of Hannah hugging strangers here she is hugging Jake haha

PS. I'm curious where everyone is from who reads my blog since my map says people are all over the world! Feel free to leave a comment where you're from 😀

#fightlikerocky

In today's world social media is huge! It can be used in a positive way but at the same time a negative way. If there are enough people involved something can "go viral" in a matter of minutes. Between selfies, memes, YouTube no wonder people are attached to their phones, and the Internet is the easiest way to get a message across. 

 A few weeks ago, through social media,I was introduced to a Mocc shop called hello_mess. The mom boss is a wonderful woman named Kimmie who was  was expecting her fourth child! What a woman! Everyone was waiting in anticipation for the birth announcement and shortly after, adorable Rocky was born. And boy is he adorable and I enjoyed the posts and pictures of a new squishy babe.  A few weeks after Rocky was born Kimmie wrote a heartbreaking post regarding Rockys new diagnosis tuberous sclerosis. I'm pretty sure everyone who read her blog,read it with tears streaming down their faces. If you want to read her blog and their story go check it out at hellomess.com. 

  Kimmie is such a sweetheart and this past week she even organized a Random act of kindness day in honor of her friends birthday. It was amazing! So of course when I was added to a secret group to mob the Ellen show regarding Kimmie and Rockys story I had to join! This woman is a mom just like myself so not only is she going through the every day hustle and bustle of motherhood, she's doing it while running her own shop and with a fragile child while trying to keep up with all the medical bills.  Last night was the night to "mob Ellen" aka post on all social media to get Ellen's attention so she could bring them on her show. 9pm rolled around the time to post and social media exploded with the photo (that you see below) and a specific caption. It was amazing to see all these individuals get together and use social media for something positive. Especially when it feels like you only see negativity every day. So I ask you, would you help this family get on the Ellen show and join this movement. Instead of posting another selfie or meme would you take a moment to upload this picture and caption to your social media and help out?  Will you use social media in a positive way to help out this deserving family today? If you do here is the caption 

Ellen, we want you on the #fightlikerocky team! #squadgoals! The IG community wants to see Rocky & his mom @hello_mess on @theellenshow! 

The @fightlikerocky wants to raise awareness about #tuberoussclerosis and the Ess Family is immensely deserving of your help! http://bit.ly/1Pn6vay

#ellenyouvebeenmobbed

#fightlikerocky #bekindtooneanother

As well as the picture posted 

 

XO

Leah 

Ps visit Kimmies blog to read all about Rocky hellomess.com

Thinking outside of the box

Those who have read my blog or know me personally know that dear dear Hannah has hit "turbo" twos early. Everything is go go go and there is no time to stop for anything including food. Meal times have become a struggle (to the point that I'm not sure which is worse napstrike or food strike.) I've fed her favorite meals but unless it's a banana or a piece of bread she isn't having it.  I feel like I've tried every trick in the book to get this girl to eat! We've even done the whole "you can't have a banana until you have 5 more bites" and boy are those last  5 bites terrible! I honestly can't remember the last time she's finished a meal without a fit or us having to substitute the food. I realized a few days ago that she likes it if I eat the same thing as she does so I've intentionally been doing that, but that's only helped a tad. Tonight was a whole other story!

  When you have a toddler who doesn't eat mealtime can be super stressful. I made one of her favorites but I was waiting for the few bites in and her saying she was finished. Right on cue it happened so the "5 bites and then you can be done" as well as the waterworks started. I looked around and saw this small blue toothpick holder on my lazy Susie. Now this toothpick holder isn't just an ordinary holder. I received this toothpick holder from my grandparents house after my grandpop passed. And me being sentimental kept the same toothpicks in there from when it was at his house. No new toothpicks have gone in and none have been used. Anyway back to the story, I remembered how much Hannah loves sorting and putting things away so I decided to pull out 5 toothpicks and tell her this is how many bites she has left. Everytime she takes a bite she can put a toothpick back. She agreed and hesitantly ate ALL 5 bites! I jokingly asked if she wanted to do it again. She did! So I poured out all the toothpicks. She was double fisting her food and at times forgot our "game." Well low and behold she ate her entire meal!!! As well as a banana! I am one proud mom and yes I totally patted myself on the back for that one! 

  Sometimes I think that I think too much about into the situation and how frustrating things are instead of thinking how to make things fun so we can both accomplish our goal...her eating, and me not going crazy.   Next time your in a tough situation maybe think about an out of the box way to fix it, or just look for a set of toothpicks 😉

XO

Leah

What am I doing wrong?

  I find myself asking this question almost weekly. Especially when Hannah is misbehaving which is why she is a permanent member of the time out club. The other night I asked Kyle that question and he gave me a great answer that

 I tend to forget in those moments. She is an independent child who quite frankly wants to test the limits. So what drove me to asking the question out loud with tears coming down my face? Well dinner, for some reason if it's not sleep strike it's mealtime strike. Okay I get it I'm not the greatest cook in the world and I've probably burnt more things than I'd like to fess up too. But for once the dinner actually turned out tasting pretty good. But it was still a meal and Hannah threw a fit screaming uncontrollably so she knows the drill, time out chair than back to eating. Not that night, she was back in her chair 5 bites left, so hysterical she made herself throw up everywhere! This has never happened and I stood in shock not knowing what to do. 

 After she got cleaned up and we established that that was not an appropriate response to the situation I sat and thought about the moms of the Bible. I bet they probably went through the same things. I could see Mary with her head in her hands as Jesus came inside covered in mud again. Sarah even in her old age asking Abraham what to do as Issac was climbing up a tree again after he was told not to. Or Leah as Levi and Simeon or any of her 6 sons were fighting with each other. 

  I have to remember that this mom struggle has been going on for thousands of years and I'm not alone. The moms, past present and future,have or will most likely struggle with the same feelings. But I have to remember she will only be (almost) 2 once and this phase won't last forever. Eventually she will grow up into a beautiful woman, get married, and have her own child and she will struggle with the same question "what am I doing wrong?" And I'll be there to tell her she isn't the only one. So if your a mom (or a dad) and you struggle with the same question just remember your doing nothing wrong. This is just a phase. And we will all get through this. 

XO

Leah

Going with your gut

I remember in grade school when the teachers would say that if you didn't know an answer going with your gut was the next best thing. There were plenty of times that I failed to do that and unfortunately got that answer wrong. One thing I didn't realize back then was that your gut instinct didn't stop once you were finished with your academics that it would transition into everyday life. As I've gotten older I feel like my gut instinct has gotten stronger and I've learned to trust it more. 

 With each of my pregnancys I had such weird gut instincts that I trusted no matter how hard it was to deal with. When I first found out I was pregnant with Sage,and after the initial shock of pregnancy, I had a weird feeling that I couldn't shake. I just knew that pregnancy was not going to end how I wanted no matter how much I begged God. And just like that two weeks later I got the devastating news. Fast forward a year and I found out I was pregnant with Hannah. The feeling I had this time was so different. I knew that things would work out and in the end I would hold a healthy beautiful baby. I was at peace ,even though there were still times of being nervous I was trusting in God to bring me and my baby through pregnancy and through a safe delivery. With Presley's pregnancy it was the same feeling as Sage. Even though his pregnancy went on longer than Sage's and was harder to deal with, I knew it wasn't going to end well. Yet again, it was a feeling I couldn't shake and as much as I tried to have that peace that I had with Hannah I couldn't find it. After we went through the surgery and I got yet another positive test in July I told Kyle that I didn't feel pregnant and that I felt it was still Presley. My gut, as horrible as the situation was, was correct again. 

 Pregnancy wasn't the only time I've had to trust my gut. Being a mom I've had to trust my motherly instincts which is similiar. Something I didn't think I would get but all mothers do. Those times when you just think something isn't right with your child so you take them to the doctors to find out you were right. Or the times your house is just a little too quiet and your motherly instinct tells you your daughter is probably pulling all the tissues out of the tissue box somewhere. Yup those instincts 

  The last example I have is just life gut instinct. This is one I've trusted and was probably the scariest situation I've ever been in. I was shopping with Hannah once and my gut was telling me something was wrong. I looked behind me to see a gentleman following us. At first I thought I was being paranoid so I was going through aisles and looked to see him down every aisle I was in but he didn't have a cart or basket.  I quickly went to check out to see this man looking at the women's clothing on the other side of the checkout behind me so I changed lanes and he moved behind me to look at jewelry. At that point I made sure to make eye contact and let him know "I see you" at that point I was kinda freaking out and called Kyle to come because I didn't want to be followed out of the store. Now I'm not saying that anything would have happened but my gut was saying something was not right and I had to trust it and boy am I glad I did. 

  As you can tell I've learned over and over again to trust my instinct. I'm not sure why God gave me such strong instincts but in glad he did. In a sense I feel like my gut instinct is actually Gods way of talking to me. Obviously I can't see him or have a face to face conversation. But those gut instincts are Him to give me a heads up on whatever life situation I'm going through at that moment, and no matter what I'm going to trust it. Has there ever been a time you've had to trust your gut? 

XO

Leah