When you look at my face what do you see...

... the face of a new mother
 the face of a new mother to a two day old son...
These are the tears of said mother who lost a baby 1 year ago...
These are also the tears of a mother to a two day old son who cried for two hours straight...
These are the tears of a mother who is diagnosed with post partum depression two days after one of the happiest day of her life.
This is the face of someone who refused to be silent.
7/14/16
As I sit in my hospital room gazing at my newborn I can't help but feel sad and anxious. One of the worst feelings especially since I'm supposed to be happy, I am supposed to love being a new mom, but I dont. This is a hard journey I dont know if I am ready, Can I handle two kids, am I strong enough for this, am I going to fail. Its been a long day filled with anxiety, I dont want anyone else to hold my baby I dont want my baby to leave my room, I dont want anything bad to happen to him. I am the only one who can properly take care of him. I did it for 9 months and other than Kyle I dont want anyone else to hold him. I just want to sit here rocking him to sleep and cry, I am probably tired since I havent slept well for a few days and I am still having pain from a new c section. I wonder if I will ever feel "normal" if these feeling will ever go away...
8/4/16
What you just read was raw, I wrote that the thursday after I had Saul. I broke down at 2 am and talked to a nurse about how I was feeling. And I held Saul alone in my room and cried. I was nervous that after having so many visitors that he was shaken without me realizing it. Where those feelings came from I have no idea. That night is a night I will never forget. Those feelings of not being able to control my emotions were awful! I talked to my doctor that night and poured my heart out. I told her how I had anxiety of something bad happening to Saul. I haven't slept since I was nervous something would happen while I slept. That night I was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression for the second time in my life. And I was quickly put on medication that night for it.
 Most of the time when people hear the diagnosis of PPD they think the mother wants to hurt herself or her baby and doesnt want the baby. But, it can manfest differently in everyone. For myself it gave me extreme anxiety that something awful would happen to Saul. I didnt want him out of my sight or anyone else to hold him.
8/14/16
 It has now been a month since my diagnosis and honestly reading that top part is hard! I wrote that at a very difficult time. I am glad I did though, I was at my most vulnerable and its good to look back and see how far Ive come in a month. As far as my anxiety goes I am a lot better. Many people have held saul since then and I havent felt anxious, and I even left him with someone twice so I could run an errand and I didnt feel like anything awful would happen while I was gone. Now I do still have my bad days but I in no way feel how I felt that Thursday night.
 I am still getting medications adjusted since there are days I feel like I fake being happy. That I'm not as happy as I could be. That's not a fun feeling to have, but I know with the right adjustment and time I will feel better. Being on medication was something I wasn't very happy with at first. Like what is wrong with me I need medication to be happy. But I want to be the best mom for my kids, and the best wife for my husband, and if I need some medical help with that than Ill take it. I know I wont be on medication for these issues the rest of my life, but right now I need it, so right now Ill take it.
If you have ever felt this way or are feeling like how I felt I urge you to talk to someone it will be hard at first but I promise it will help

XO

Leah

I am a Mother

When I was younger any time I heard the word Mom I would think of my own mom, an "older" woman who has a lot of life experiences. I know I have two children whom I carried for 9 months and gave birth to but honestly I dont feel like a mom. I know, I know how can I not feel like a mom when I have a two year old who follows me around yelling mom, mom, mom. If you follow me on facebook you may remember how I talked about the fact that after Hannah was born I felt like I was just babysiting and waiting for someone to eventually take her back. Honestly thats how I felt again. I felt like I'm just babysitting these two adorable kids 24/7 waiting for someone to eventaully come and say thanks for watching them I'll take them now. Thankfully that wont happen.
Mainly I felt/feel this way because I can not believe God blessed me with these two incredible kids! What did I do to deserve this priveledge? I am no one special, yet I was chosen to mother these two kids. I remember after we lost Sage the feeling of Ill never be able to have children. Than once we lost Presley the feeling of Ill never be able to give Kyle a son since I was so sure Presley was a boy. I'm so glad that I learned to trust in God's plan and being okay with what he had decided for me no matter how hard it would be. And let me tell you it has not been an easy journey but its my journey.
 Now in no way am I a perfect mother. I definitely have my flaws. I mean Saul is currently in his swing, and Hannah is eating breakfast in front of the TV so I can have a few minutes alone before I start my day ( yes its currently 930am.) There are some days that I am not proud of my "mommy methods" aka a lot more tv time than I want, and a lot more toddler play by herself than I want. I know, isnt hannah playing alone a good thing? It is because she learns self play but more times than I like she wants me to play and I have to say no. But being a stay at home mom, especially to two kids, gets pretty busy even if my house looks like I didn't get anything cleaned.
 Ultimately my point of this post is I am Hannah, and Saul's mother, I am the only mother they have and I really hope that in their eyes I am doing a good job. I hope they don't remember the bad days, but they remember the good days. Like the days we played outside for hours on end, or the tea parties in the middle of the living room, and the dance parties while cleaning the kitchen. I am not a perfect mom, I have many many flaws but God gave these two perfect kids to me and I don't want to mess up my chance of raising them. In the end I am a mother, a sleep deprived, running on caffeine and sloppy kisses, endless loving, wouldn't have it any other way, Hannah and Saul's Mother.

XO
Leah