St Ives Review

My skin can be terrible at times and chasing a toddler around while having summer temperatures (in the middle of winter) I tend not to smell the greatest by the end of the day. Thankfully a great company called Influenster sent me some products to review so let's get started! 

 St Ives Pear Nectar & Soy Body lotion

 I honestly wasn't sure if I would like this product. Pear Nectar doesn't sound to appeasing and I've never had "fruit smelling" lotion before. But boy did this product prove me wrong! It smells amazing and not as fruity as I thought. My skin is so smooth for hours. I don't need to reapply every 5 minutes which is nice. I was pleasantly surprised by this and will most likely buy it once this runs out.

Nourished and smooth Oatmeal scrub and Mask

 The skin on my face is odd. Some days it's super oily and other days it's dry and cracking. It makes buying products hard since majority of the time a product is for a specific problem. I've tried masks before as well as scrubs and I felt like they left my skin even more dry. Right off the bat I knew it would smell amazing I love the smell of oatmeal products. I used a quarter size (maybe a little less) and scrubbed my face with it. My face actually looks really nice and glowing. Not like a teenager going through puberty. My face is nice and soft and no flaky skin. I think out of the bunch this is my favorite product. Will Definitely buy this product again. 

 Even &Bright Pink Lemon&Mandarin Exfoliating body wash

 I was really excited for this product. The name made me think it was going to make me smell amazing. Upon opening it, it did smell amazing. After using it though it was no different than any other body wash I've used before. A half hour or so after using it I realized my skin had no smell. It doesn't smell like when I was using it in the shower. I like body washes that make my skin smell amazing for at least a little while. I was disappointed in this product and most likely will not be buying  it. 

 Hope you enjoyed my review! Next week will be the first 2016 post! If your curious about what influenster is and want to get your own free products leave a comment below! 

XO

Leah 

Happy Birthday Hannah!

Wow my baby is two! I can't believe it. This time two years ago I was in labor waiting to see who this little lady, who had been kicking me for 9 months, would look like. It's so funny when I look back on those first pictures because she honestly looks so different! Over the past two years this little lady has taught me so much. These are the top five things she has taught me. 

1) be patient. I struggle with patience especially as hannah got older and started using that infamous word No. But she has taught me that I have to be patient with her as she is still learning, and exploring 

2) Breath. Now  I'm not saying breath as in the literal sense but figuratively speaking of course. Having a strong willed toddler can test ever part of me but I sometimes need to walk away take a mommy time out and breath and that is fine to do. 

3) Stop cleaning and play. Being a home owner some days I feel like my house has to be immaculate like those magazines. But as I clean there is usually someone behind me making a mess. Some days the dishes can wait because she will only be this young one. 

4) Every opportunity is a teaching opportunity. Whether it's a skill like sweeping, math, reading or a life lesson like kindness there is a teaching opportunity  around every corner. 

5) Cuddle often! As Hannah gets older she gets more independent meaning she doesn't want to cuddle which is hard for mommy. So any chance she wants to sit with me or cuddle I'm going to take it. Since I'm not sure when that will end for good (hopefully never.) 

 There are of course many many other lessons she has taught me in her two years but I'm going to keep this short so I can go hang out with the birthday girl! Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!

XO

Leah

December 17,2015

Tomorrow is the day I have been dreading for months. Tomorrow is December 17, 2015. To most it seems like just another day but to a grieving mother it's a day that will be full of emotions. You see December 17,2015 was Presleys due date. 

 Tomorrow I would have been 40 weeks pregnant meaning that I would be going into labor soon or would already have a newborn in my arms. But instead I lost my precious babe nearly 30 weeks ago. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about Presley or thought where I would have been in that pregnancy. 

 It's hard to be excited this time of year when I'm still grieving, I have my days of excitement for Christmas but soon they are pushed to the back of my mind with thoughts of what if I would have had a newborn as well. I will never be able to understand or comprehend why I'm not still pregnant. My doctors don't even have answers to be honest. God is the only one who knows why I'm not about to be 40 weeks pregnant. To be honest I like it that way. I don't think I'd be able to handle knowing the truth as to why I only got to spend nearly 10 weeks with my baby. But as I have said before and ill say it until my last breath Gods got a plan. I don't know that plan but maybe as it starts to unfold I'll understand. Well I hope I'll understand. 

  I've been asked if I plan on doing anything to remember Presley and the answer is yes. I'm hoping soon to build up the courage to visit their grave but until then I plan on doing what I did for Sage. Writing them a letter and I will bury it in the back yard. I'm hoping to get some sort of solar light for the spot where both letters are so when it's dark out I can look back there and think of my babies. 

 So may I ask for one thing in return from all who have read this. Please think about myself and my family tomorrow as it will be a difficult day. A day that has been long coming and a day I have been dreading. I'm thankful that I'll be in New Jersey and hopefully keep my mind off of things but no matter what that thought will still be in my mind. 

we still would appreciate all the thoughts and prayers we could get. Thank you 

XO

Leah

Instant Love and PPD

I was looking at Hannah the other day and thought how much I absolutely love this little girl. But unfortunatly it hasn't always been like that. 

 When I was pregnant with Hannah I kept hearing these stories that upon first glance of your baby you would fall in so much love with them. I hate to admit it but I didn't get that feeling. I loved her of course and I was so happy to finally hold her in my arms but I didn't get that fuzzy feeling that I read so much about. I honestly didn't get that fuzzy feeling until she was about 16months old. Thank you to post partum depression. Honestly this post is not an easy one to right but for those 16 months I felt like I was just babysitting. Let me reiderate the fact that I did love my daughter and I would do anything to protect her and keep her safe but I didn't have that mother daughter bond. Those months were so odd and I couldn't figure out for the life of me why I felt the way I felt. I realized that my "baby blues" weren't the first two weeks after birth but it lasted for months and became even worse once our breast feeding journey abruptly stopped at 4 months. I finally went to the doctor and was diagnosed with PPD almost a year and a half after she was born. I felt like I failed at being a mother. How did I let this go on for so long and have no idea! After talking to the doctor I was prescribed medication. It helped but I also turned to my faith as that needed to be first. It was a frustrating few months after being diagnosed but I started to feel like myself again and I was finally getting that fuzzy feeling every single time I looked at Hannah. And I still do!  I am absolutely 100% in love with this little girl. She is amazing and so smart and I am so glad she is mine! I'm blessed to be her mommy. I've learned that PPD is no joke and it's a hard journey but now if I'm blessed with more babies I'll know to let me doctor know so I can get help right away instead of waiting so long. 

XO

Leah 

What's in a name...

Yup had to go all Shakespeare for a second. I've been thinking a lot about my babies names and how they each have a unique story so I thought I would share. 

 When we found out we were pregnant with Sage we honestly didn't have enough time to bounce around names before we lost her. We lost her in 2012 and she didn't have a name until 2015. More on the later. 

 Hannah was actually pretty easy. Right before we found out we were pregnant I played Hannah at a bible club and realized I loved that name. Elizabeth just fit as a middle name. Of course we had zero idea that her initials would of course be HER. Whoops. Of course if she turned out to be a he she would have been Jude Matthew. But Kyle says now if we ever have a boy his initials have to be SIR so we will see about that. 

 Presley we honestly didn't talk names at all. He didn't have a set name for girl or boy and just like with Sage we were unable to find out the gender. Since we lost Pres at the beginning of camp and I still had 6 weeks until I could go home I had an amazing camp support system who let me have a ton of time alone. One of my alone times I was thinking about my baby and it bugged me how he and my 2012 baby didn't have names. I read a story (I think it was the Heaven is for real book but don't quote me) about how a boy went to Heaven and met his older sister who didn't have a name. That got me and I wanted my children to have names even if I never met them or knew their gender. I started to look at unisex names and their meanings as I love the meaning of names more so than the actually name sometimes. Sage means "the wise one" and I just loved that. I pray that my baby would be wise and I'm sure she is!  Presley means priests meadow but what I thought was pretty cool was its derived from the word preost meaning priest and Leah meaning wood. So of course my baby had to be named Presley. And in case your wondering Hannah means favor or grace. 

 I was happy that there were a ton of nice unisex names and quite honestly I think it's a huge responsibility to give another human a name. I'm hoping God will bless us with more children as I have some new favorite girl and boy names but  I'll keep those to myself for now. 

XO

Leah

What are you thankful for?

There are so many things to be thankful for this year that I can't even begin to write them all down. But one thing I am thankful for is the hard year I had. As much as stinks I am so thankful for it. 

 This time last year I was celebrating Hannahs first thanksgiving having zero idea that this year would be full of trials and tears. But I am so thankful for all I've been through. We have a blessings jar on top of our hutch ( I'll have a separate post for that later) and today I randomly dumped it out to count all the blessings we've had this year. Let me just say there were a lot! I forgot I wrote all about Presley and put that in the jar. The different heartbeat days and even the day  Pres was born into heaven. I don't remember writing them but I am so glad I did. I am so thankful that I was able to carry that very special gift for as long as I did. I'm thankful that Presley will never feel pain or sadness. I'm thankful that when he first opened his eyes the first face he saw was God's. I am so thankful God kept me safe through the whole process and that he gave me the strength to get through it. I'm glad that God makes beauty rise from the Ashes and I'm hoping he does the same for me. I'm thankful that all the times I was on my knees crying he was right there with me upset for his child hurting. I'm thankful for an amazing support system.  I'm thankful that I have two children waiting for me in heaven. I'm thankful that this is my life and the struggles are part of my testimony. And of course I'm thankful for you. Whoever you are, wherever you are you've taken the time out to read about Presley and Sage over these last few months and I'm so thankful for that. So thank you! Other than the usual, health, clothes, shelter what is something YOU are thankful for this year?

XO

Leah 

The Story of Sage Robinson

I feel like more people know what happened with Presley but not to many people know about Sage. So I thought it would be time to change that. 

  I remember the day I had the first inkling I was pregnant. Kyle and I were hanging out in our apartment and I started tasting a metal taste like pennies it was an awful taste. And we joked around that we were pregnant. After Kyle went to work I decided to test and well we were expecting. We talked about having children but not two years into being married. I was excited though so I ran to the store got a cupcake (inside joke) and a card that said "your boys can swim." Kyle got home from work and it took a little bit for him to understand what was going on but once he realized it he was overjoyed, we both were. We ran out and got the  what to expect while your expecting and I started reading right away as I was cramping and wasn't sure if it was a normal sign. 

 A few days passed and on July 26,2012 I was in New Jersey to try on my bridesmaid dress for my cousins wedding. While at my moms house I knew something was wrong and rushed out of my moms house for the long drive back to PA. On the way I called Kyle and told him I was having a miscarriage and needed to go to the hospital. I picked him up and we went. Just as I thought my doctor came in and told me we lost the baby. Let me just say this doctor had zero sympathy the whole hospital was honestly terrible hence why when we got pregnant with Hannah we switched practices right away. I remember after being discharged we went to the car and just cried. I didn't know what I did wrong, I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to have kids, so many different feelings but the one thing that rang true was that it was NOT Gods fault. And I told Kyle that I said I'm not going to blame God I'm not going try to figure this out I'm just going to trust him. And we did. Who would have thought that 9 months later around the due date of Sage I would get a positive pregnancy test that resulted in my Beautiful Hannah. Once we moved into our house I sat down and wrote a letter to Sage address to The child I'll never meet. I cried while writing it than took it to the backyard and buried it. That was quite therapeutic to me. And sometimes I look at the spot and think what Sage would have been like if she was here now. 

  Ultimatly God has a funny way of doing things and his plan will always be the best plan. I know when it comes to Sage I was embarrassed about losing her and didn't want to talk about it to anyone. It took months for me to open up. With Presley I made it a point to talk about him right away. It's a way of coping and talking about it could give hope to others. You may not be able to tell but I have three beautiful children it's just one of them is on my hip and two are in my heart.

XO

Leah

Update:

Just a quick update on life and the past few blogs. 

Paci war:  still a war, Hannah has her days of going to sleep no problem. But then she has days like last night night where it took her two hours to fall asleep. I'm not sure if it's because we just got home from jersey or because she seemed to be feeling a little sick yesterday. 

 Jake and the fleas:  do I feel like the worst furmom ever!  Took him to the vet last week since he was still itching, and I'm super paranoid, to make sure he doesn't have fleas. He is flea free! But come to find out he is allergic to flea bites hence why he is still itching. And the icing on the cake he has a few "hot spots" on his legs but the worse one was smack dab in the middle of his head. The vet had to save his poor head and he looks ridiculous 😔 but we have to do what's best for him. He is on medication for the hot spot as well as for the itching. I'm hoping he feels better soon too. 

Fleagate 2015: this has been a very very rough few weeks in the robinson house! We've treated the dog the house and nothing was working so last Wednesday I called an exterminator. We were planning on heading to jersey on Saturday for a few parties but after talking to Kyle, myself, Hannah and Jake went to jersey on Wednesday. Kyle would come on Saturday after the exterminator came. Lots of tears as I was at my wits end feeling like the absolute person in the world with all of the above happening at the same time. But, there was a lot I didn't know about these fleas and boy am I happy we called an exterminator to help. On a positive note he said it was one of the cleanest houses he's been in. He will be coming back once more next week just to make sure they are all really gone. 

Sorry for such a blah post but these past weeks,and my brain,have been a blur. Next week will get back to normal. I promise! 

XO 

Leah 

The "broken" paci

Looks like we have entered this wonderful journey of no more paci. It's a journey that all parents eventually venture into and it's wonderful. Full of smiles, and restful nights sleep, lots of hugs and thank you's from the child....yea right. Pretty much the opposite of everything I just said and we are only at day 2. Since my husband and I are geniuses we decided to start this journey on Saturday night. Unfortunately we forgot it was daylight savings. So we were already going to lose an hour of sleep and now we were going to lose even more sleep. (Note to self write daylight savings on the calendar for now on.). Now let me say i am not against the use of a paci. Each parent has their own way of doing things and has their own time frame of paci use. Hannah has really sharp teeth and one paci already broke from her biting it. So as a preventative we decided to be finished with paci's. It started that she would only have a pacifier during nap/bedtime. No longer would she have it during the day, on outings, or in the car. We did make a few exceptions to the rule though. I really wish we would have started to take it away at nap time than a few days later bedtime. But since we started at bedtime there was no looking back and we had to get rid of it all together. 

  The first night was horrible! Screaming and crying honestly I have no idea how long it took her to fall asleep because quite frankly I was crying a long with her. Already rare naptime was even more rare as she was in her room for hours with no nap. The roughest days are when Kyle isn't home for bedtime and I have to pull out all I have. So I started by giving her the broken paci, she realized it didn't feel right. I told her it was broken and she agreed to throw it away. Ive told her stories about a long time ago there was a princess who became a big girl and didn't need her paci. Hannah loves being called a big girl and I think that story helped a bit. I've also sang her to sleep which hasn't happened in a long time. 

 I get what most would say "she isn't ready for her paci to be taken away." "Your so mean" "I'd never do that to my child". But hey we're all different. Hannah only used her paci to fall asleep than wouldn't use it the rest of the night. But during that falling asleep phase she would bite it so hard it breaks. It's what's best for her. Even if she doesn't realize it right now. Sometimes being mom means I have to be "mean" and do what's best for her, she still hugs me and tells me she loves me before bedtime, before the screaming starts so she can't be too mad at me. One day we will look back on this day and laugh as Hannah becomes a mom and takes the paci away from her child. 

XO

Leah 

Sorrow and Joy

As most of you know last week did NOT go as I planned at all. Unfortunately the rough week rolled into the weekend. I love going to church with my little family, it's such a great time to get closer to God and to learn about him, if I miss a week than quite frankly, I feel like my entire week is off. Sunday Kyle had to work in the morning but would still be home in time to go to church. So while he was at work I got up and got Hannah dressed and fed so we would be ready to walk out the door. This isn't the first time that this has happened so I have it down to a science. Well Ms Hannah had other plans. While Kyle was getting ready Hannah decided she didn't want to go to church and threw a huge fit out of sheer exhaustion. Kyle and I both agreed that there was no way we would get to church. So I put Hannah down for a nap changed into some comfy clothes and sat down next to Kyle on the couch. We decided to listen to church through the Internet. Kyle wanted to listen to a different service than the church we attended so we did. 

 I was very hesitant to listen over the computer because 1) I didn't want to space out or fall asleep 2) I've never heard this pastor preach, for some reason new pastors make me nervous. Well God knew what he was doing! The pastor preached on the joy that comes from sorrow. He talked about how we can go through rough patches (he specifically mentioned miscarriage) but there will be joy that comes from it. I thought wow! This is why we missed church because God wanted me to hear this message, he knew that my heart needed to hear this. As I struggled to hide my tears from Kyle I was ,of course, in awe of Gods timing. I felt like he did this just for me to remind me that with everything I've been through Joy will come. Now I have no idea in what form the joy will come, of course I hope the joy would be to get pregnant and in the end have another healthy child but I have no idea Gods plan. I don't know if the joy will be positive reactions from this blog, or help drawing people closer to Him. I have no idea. Am I excited to find out? You bet your butt I am! And once I figure it out I'll be sure to write about it. I'll leave you with the verse that I've been leaning on these past few months and that the pastor also mentioned in his sermon. Isaiah 61:3 "and to provide for those who grieve in Zion, to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of Joy instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair..." NIV

XO

Leah

When life gets to hard to stand..

This week has been hard! My goodness how much can one person take. Let me give a little back story. I've learned time and time again that as soon as I get super close to God Satan comes in and tries to screw things up. When me and Kyle became missionaries about a month later nearly all of our savings was stolen from us. I can't remember to many details about that day but I knew it was Satan trying his hardest to get to us. Since then it has been little things here and there. Unfortunately lately, I have not been the greatest wife. I have turned to anger so easily and have turned really good days with my husband into tension filled horrible days and for that I feel awful. Kyle, if your reading this I am so so sorry for those days.  We did have a really nice talk the other day where I told Kyle that it feels like some days, some situations I have a good Angel and a bad one on each shoulder and I've gone towards the bad one since it was easier. Ya know "get mad at Kyle because his shoes were in the middle of he floor again" "get mad at Kyle because he is helping at church instead of helping you" honestly really ridiculous stuff that I am so embarrassed about. Lately, I've been trying to be a more intentional wife. I've been trying to do my daily house cleaning (even the ones I hate) with a servant attitude because I know that is something that is helpful to my husband, who by the way works his butt off outside of the house so I can be home with Hannah. 

  Any way back to this week, I've been trying my hardest to be this intentional wife, and an intentional mom and bam like right on cue satan hits. I'm doing my best to serve my husband, and daughter the best I can and I hit a brick wall where I need to make a decision. Well I chose Gods side and I'm feeling the effects of Satan. I was in urgent care a week ago with a minor issue that isn't entirely fixed, my daughter has hit the terrible twos early (and boy are they terrible) and now my dog has fleas that I just can't get rid of. On Monday everything hit hard and I truely couldn't deal with it anymore. I was not strong enough to stand so I did something I haven't done in years I kneeled. I kneeled, cried, and prayed. I prayed out loud to God because quite frankly I am not strong enough to deal with life alone. I know that God thinks I'm pretty strong...hello summer of 2015, one I'll never forget, but sometimes I realize life is to hard to stand and I have to kneel. I have to become so vulnerable and cry out that I need Gods help because I am getting hit with way to much at once. Okay now I get what most people are saying fleas, urgent care, terrible twos doesn't sound like much and the miscarriage of Presley sounds like a much worse situation. But I have to disagree since they are terrible situations in their own ways. I truely believe Presley's, even Sages, situations happened to strengthen my relationship with God, they happened to make my testimony even stronger. The urgent care, terrible twos, flea situation is an attack by Satan. I've lived through these attacks before, it's a smaller situation but it can pack a punch. But anyway, it would be so easy to fall into his temptation of getting angry at Hannah, the dog, etc but in the long run what would that do? Absolutely nothing! I needed to kneel pray and give this all to God. He is bigger than me he is bigger than Satan and I know He will help me through all this.  This whole situation has helped me and Kyle become closer and he even found a way to joke about the situation since our house has never been so clean before. It looks like we just moved in. But hey I have a good reason to rearrange the house now right. I guess in the craziest of situations you have to find the positives. But in the end when life gets to hard to stand...kneel 

XO

Leah 

I am 1 in 4 for the second time.

This day last year I wrote about Sage's story which most people didn't know about. Regarding Sage's passing, I kept it pretty hush hush I guess because I was embarrassed that I wasn't able to sustain the pregnancy and I didn't have information on why I lost her (we don't know either baby's gender but I have a feeling deep inside of the gender of each). Never in a million years did I think that a year later I would be writing about two babies. 

 I am the face of a mother who has three children except you only see me with one. I have two children who will never feel pain, sadness who already met Jesus and who are at their eternal home waiting for mommy daddy and their sister. It's exciting to know that when I get to heaven that not only will I meet God face to face but I'm going to have two children whom I never met waiting for me with open arms and eager to finally meet their mommy. 

  I don't wish the loss of a child on anyone and as horrible as an experience it is, I'm happy that it happened to me. Because I lost my two children, that is one less person in the world who will feel this heartache, one less person who will have to sit and wonder who those children would have grown up to be, one less person who will celebrate a birthday with no physical child to blow out the candles because God chose me. God chose me to carry this heartache because he knew I could handle it even at times when I don't think I can. He knew that through the tears and pain that I would continue to praise him and trust in his plan. He knew that through these two blessings I would use my testimony to bring people closer to Him. He knew that through the heartache and ashes that beauty WILL rise. He knows that as I sit here tears streaming down my face and words jumbled that at least one person needed to hear these words today. 

  Beauty will rise from this just like it has before. Hannah is my first rainbow baby, and if we have another successful pregnancy that child will too be a rainbow baby. I don't know what else God and this life has in store for me. I don't know if I will have anymore Heavenly or Earthly children but I know that I need to keep looking to God and thank him for the good times and the bad times. He chose me for a reason to carry these two children in my heart instead of holding my hand. I'm blessed to have known them, I'm blessed to be their mommy and I can't wait to meet them as I love them and miss them very much. I am 1 in 4 and I wouldn't have it any other way 

XO

Leah

An introverts journey to extrovertism

I'm not even sure if extrovertism is even a word so sorry if it's not but it works for the title. 

  In my life I am surrounded by two extremely outgoing and super friendly people. Obviously that's Kyle and Hannah. Kyle has always been outgoing for as long as I've known him. He will meet a person and try to be the first to shake hands. He is comfortable in a room full of people. The same can be said for Hannah. She is so outgoing that it amazes me. We will walk through church and she will wave and say hi to everyone even those she doesn't even know. If you need a hug she will be the first to give you one. And then there is me...the complete opposite of those two. Being in a room full of people I don't know scares me. Being at camp surrounded by people 24/7 can be exhausting and my introvert personality makes me hide after being around people 24/7 for 6 weeks. Meeting new people I don't know the right time to handshake. Unless your my family and you give me a hug I have no idea how to react. Haha I'm so insanely awkward when it comes to that. But having a daughter who is outgoing I realized that me being mom and a role model I need to be less of a hermit and be more outgoing. 

  There's a show big bang theory that Kyle and myself enjoy. In one episode one character who has a hard time talking to women mets a lady who is just as awkward and she vows that she makes herself do something that she feels is uncomfortable every year. Well I made that vow on my journey to becoming an extrovert. I joined the choir at church. Yea that doesn't seem like a big deal but for me it is. I love signing (Hannah can vouch for that) so maybe doing something I love in front of a bunch of people would be helpful. Now this isn't a normal church this church has 1000 attendees and 2 services as well as its broadcasted. Nerve wrecking! I'm glad I didnt have to sing alone or anything that's for sure! The day of I so wanted to turn my car around and just say forget it but I didn't, I went, I sang, I conquered! Well kinda,  I did really enjoy myself though that's for sure. It was so much fun and I can't wait to do it again! Who am I turning into?!? Now I'm not an extrovert like Hannah and Kyle but I'm slowly getting there. I went to bible study yesterday and was actually talkative at my table and joined up to sing there too! Meeting new people sure I'll shake your hand, if I met you before oh why not lets hug it out! Hopefully this can last and all these things won't be so uncomfortable in a few months. But only time will tell I guess! 

XO

Leah

So since  I don't have any pictures of Hannah hugging strangers here she is hugging Jake haha

PS. I'm curious where everyone is from who reads my blog since my map says people are all over the world! Feel free to leave a comment where you're from 😀

#fightlikerocky

In today's world social media is huge! It can be used in a positive way but at the same time a negative way. If there are enough people involved something can "go viral" in a matter of minutes. Between selfies, memes, YouTube no wonder people are attached to their phones, and the Internet is the easiest way to get a message across. 

 A few weeks ago, through social media,I was introduced to a Mocc shop called hello_mess. The mom boss is a wonderful woman named Kimmie who was  was expecting her fourth child! What a woman! Everyone was waiting in anticipation for the birth announcement and shortly after, adorable Rocky was born. And boy is he adorable and I enjoyed the posts and pictures of a new squishy babe.  A few weeks after Rocky was born Kimmie wrote a heartbreaking post regarding Rockys new diagnosis tuberous sclerosis. I'm pretty sure everyone who read her blog,read it with tears streaming down their faces. If you want to read her blog and their story go check it out at hellomess.com. 

  Kimmie is such a sweetheart and this past week she even organized a Random act of kindness day in honor of her friends birthday. It was amazing! So of course when I was added to a secret group to mob the Ellen show regarding Kimmie and Rockys story I had to join! This woman is a mom just like myself so not only is she going through the every day hustle and bustle of motherhood, she's doing it while running her own shop and with a fragile child while trying to keep up with all the medical bills.  Last night was the night to "mob Ellen" aka post on all social media to get Ellen's attention so she could bring them on her show. 9pm rolled around the time to post and social media exploded with the photo (that you see below) and a specific caption. It was amazing to see all these individuals get together and use social media for something positive. Especially when it feels like you only see negativity every day. So I ask you, would you help this family get on the Ellen show and join this movement. Instead of posting another selfie or meme would you take a moment to upload this picture and caption to your social media and help out?  Will you use social media in a positive way to help out this deserving family today? If you do here is the caption 

Ellen, we want you on the #fightlikerocky team! #squadgoals! The IG community wants to see Rocky & his mom @hello_mess on @theellenshow! 

The @fightlikerocky wants to raise awareness about #tuberoussclerosis and the Ess Family is immensely deserving of your help! http://bit.ly/1Pn6vay

#ellenyouvebeenmobbed

#fightlikerocky #bekindtooneanother

As well as the picture posted 

 

XO

Leah 

Ps visit Kimmies blog to read all about Rocky hellomess.com

Thinking outside of the box

Those who have read my blog or know me personally know that dear dear Hannah has hit "turbo" twos early. Everything is go go go and there is no time to stop for anything including food. Meal times have become a struggle (to the point that I'm not sure which is worse napstrike or food strike.) I've fed her favorite meals but unless it's a banana or a piece of bread she isn't having it.  I feel like I've tried every trick in the book to get this girl to eat! We've even done the whole "you can't have a banana until you have 5 more bites" and boy are those last  5 bites terrible! I honestly can't remember the last time she's finished a meal without a fit or us having to substitute the food. I realized a few days ago that she likes it if I eat the same thing as she does so I've intentionally been doing that, but that's only helped a tad. Tonight was a whole other story!

  When you have a toddler who doesn't eat mealtime can be super stressful. I made one of her favorites but I was waiting for the few bites in and her saying she was finished. Right on cue it happened so the "5 bites and then you can be done" as well as the waterworks started. I looked around and saw this small blue toothpick holder on my lazy Susie. Now this toothpick holder isn't just an ordinary holder. I received this toothpick holder from my grandparents house after my grandpop passed. And me being sentimental kept the same toothpicks in there from when it was at his house. No new toothpicks have gone in and none have been used. Anyway back to the story, I remembered how much Hannah loves sorting and putting things away so I decided to pull out 5 toothpicks and tell her this is how many bites she has left. Everytime she takes a bite she can put a toothpick back. She agreed and hesitantly ate ALL 5 bites! I jokingly asked if she wanted to do it again. She did! So I poured out all the toothpicks. She was double fisting her food and at times forgot our "game." Well low and behold she ate her entire meal!!! As well as a banana! I am one proud mom and yes I totally patted myself on the back for that one! 

  Sometimes I think that I think too much about into the situation and how frustrating things are instead of thinking how to make things fun so we can both accomplish our goal...her eating, and me not going crazy.   Next time your in a tough situation maybe think about an out of the box way to fix it, or just look for a set of toothpicks 😉

XO

Leah

What am I doing wrong?

  I find myself asking this question almost weekly. Especially when Hannah is misbehaving which is why she is a permanent member of the time out club. The other night I asked Kyle that question and he gave me a great answer that

 I tend to forget in those moments. She is an independent child who quite frankly wants to test the limits. So what drove me to asking the question out loud with tears coming down my face? Well dinner, for some reason if it's not sleep strike it's mealtime strike. Okay I get it I'm not the greatest cook in the world and I've probably burnt more things than I'd like to fess up too. But for once the dinner actually turned out tasting pretty good. But it was still a meal and Hannah threw a fit screaming uncontrollably so she knows the drill, time out chair than back to eating. Not that night, she was back in her chair 5 bites left, so hysterical she made herself throw up everywhere! This has never happened and I stood in shock not knowing what to do. 

 After she got cleaned up and we established that that was not an appropriate response to the situation I sat and thought about the moms of the Bible. I bet they probably went through the same things. I could see Mary with her head in her hands as Jesus came inside covered in mud again. Sarah even in her old age asking Abraham what to do as Issac was climbing up a tree again after he was told not to. Or Leah as Levi and Simeon or any of her 6 sons were fighting with each other. 

  I have to remember that this mom struggle has been going on for thousands of years and I'm not alone. The moms, past present and future,have or will most likely struggle with the same feelings. But I have to remember she will only be (almost) 2 once and this phase won't last forever. Eventually she will grow up into a beautiful woman, get married, and have her own child and she will struggle with the same question "what am I doing wrong?" And I'll be there to tell her she isn't the only one. So if your a mom (or a dad) and you struggle with the same question just remember your doing nothing wrong. This is just a phase. And we will all get through this. 

XO

Leah

Going with your gut

I remember in grade school when the teachers would say that if you didn't know an answer going with your gut was the next best thing. There were plenty of times that I failed to do that and unfortunately got that answer wrong. One thing I didn't realize back then was that your gut instinct didn't stop once you were finished with your academics that it would transition into everyday life. As I've gotten older I feel like my gut instinct has gotten stronger and I've learned to trust it more. 

 With each of my pregnancys I had such weird gut instincts that I trusted no matter how hard it was to deal with. When I first found out I was pregnant with Sage,and after the initial shock of pregnancy, I had a weird feeling that I couldn't shake. I just knew that pregnancy was not going to end how I wanted no matter how much I begged God. And just like that two weeks later I got the devastating news. Fast forward a year and I found out I was pregnant with Hannah. The feeling I had this time was so different. I knew that things would work out and in the end I would hold a healthy beautiful baby. I was at peace ,even though there were still times of being nervous I was trusting in God to bring me and my baby through pregnancy and through a safe delivery. With Presley's pregnancy it was the same feeling as Sage. Even though his pregnancy went on longer than Sage's and was harder to deal with, I knew it wasn't going to end well. Yet again, it was a feeling I couldn't shake and as much as I tried to have that peace that I had with Hannah I couldn't find it. After we went through the surgery and I got yet another positive test in July I told Kyle that I didn't feel pregnant and that I felt it was still Presley. My gut, as horrible as the situation was, was correct again. 

 Pregnancy wasn't the only time I've had to trust my gut. Being a mom I've had to trust my motherly instincts which is similiar. Something I didn't think I would get but all mothers do. Those times when you just think something isn't right with your child so you take them to the doctors to find out you were right. Or the times your house is just a little too quiet and your motherly instinct tells you your daughter is probably pulling all the tissues out of the tissue box somewhere. Yup those instincts 

  The last example I have is just life gut instinct. This is one I've trusted and was probably the scariest situation I've ever been in. I was shopping with Hannah once and my gut was telling me something was wrong. I looked behind me to see a gentleman following us. At first I thought I was being paranoid so I was going through aisles and looked to see him down every aisle I was in but he didn't have a cart or basket.  I quickly went to check out to see this man looking at the women's clothing on the other side of the checkout behind me so I changed lanes and he moved behind me to look at jewelry. At that point I made sure to make eye contact and let him know "I see you" at that point I was kinda freaking out and called Kyle to come because I didn't want to be followed out of the store. Now I'm not saying that anything would have happened but my gut was saying something was not right and I had to trust it and boy am I glad I did. 

  As you can tell I've learned over and over again to trust my instinct. I'm not sure why God gave me such strong instincts but in glad he did. In a sense I feel like my gut instinct is actually Gods way of talking to me. Obviously I can't see him or have a face to face conversation. But those gut instincts are Him to give me a heads up on whatever life situation I'm going through at that moment, and no matter what I'm going to trust it. Has there ever been a time you've had to trust your gut? 

XO

Leah

Mommy Mistakes

I'm not the first to admit fault and I'm not quite sure why. Human nature? Pride? No idea but I feel like these past few weeks I've made a ton of "mommy mistakes." But  The other night at dinner I feel like was the worst. You see daddy was away for nearly 12hours, Hannah was in the midst of sleep strike meaning mommy hasnt slept in who knows how long and the dog had fleas  all that put together means mommy reached her boiling point. I was getting Hannah dinner and counting down the hours until bed time when the icing on the cake of a long day happened. Hannah was yet again refusing to eat and decided to throw dinner all over the ground. Instead of collecting my thoughts I did something I instantly regretted. Slammed my hands on the table and yelled "I'm finished."  I immediately looked at hannahs stunned look, I couldn't believe what I just did so I had to walk away and just cry. I couldn't believe I just yelled and I'm not talking a quiet yell but a yell that I'm sure my neighbors heard. How the heck did I let my emotions get so out of control? Was it lack of sleep? My PPD rearing its ugly head again? What caused me to lose myself in that instant. If you notice in each of those I never once blamed Hannah because quite frankly it's not her fault (yes she shouldn't throw food on the ground granted but that shouldn't result in my anger.). God gifted me with this beautiful stubborn strong willed little lady and boy oh boy is she strong willed but ultimately It's my job as a mom to teach her and guide and quite frankly yelling accomplishes zero except maybe makes your child be afraid of you which I don't want to do. 

  After a few moments of crying on the couch and feeling like an awful awful mom I went back over to Hannah and apologized and she forgave me, obviously she can't really verbalized it yet but the long hug she gave me did the trick. I'm hoping in the future that this won't happen again I can't make any promises but I never want to get that angry and yell that loudly at my child again. I'm sure there will still be frustrating situations and sleepless nights but I really really need to learn to step back, breath, evaluate the situation and think before I act. I'm so glad that I was given a new day and Hannah is a very forgiving girl and doesn't seem to hold a grudge. 

 In the end I'm a normal, non perfect human who is trying to navigate through this season of life. Im sure I'll make more mistakes but I'm thankful that I've been given this opportunity to be a mom and to teach Hannah how to forgive. I wish I was able to forgive as easily as she did. I'm so proud and thankful for her 

XO

Leah 

Happy Anniversary!

One year ago today I started this little journey. Never thinking anyone would actual read or care what I had to say. But you do! I wish I could give every single one of you a hug as corny at that sounds. This past year has sure been a whirlwind of life experiences that turned into blog posts. My emotions have been so raw at times that this was the perfect outlet to express that. On the other end of the spectrum there have been times that have been too funny not to share. But from the bottom of my heart thank you to each and every one of you who reads my blog. When I go on my dashboard and see the views increase I #1 can't believe it #2 am very overjoyed. So for those of you that have been here since the beginning thank you and I hope you continue reading. For those who have just joined the past few weeks or even today Welcome! And I hope you enjoy what you read! See you all Wednesday!

XO

Leah

Lose weight, wait and lose

A Picture speaks a thousand words or so they say. A few weeks back I saw a picture of myself right before I got pregnant with hannah and thought,Oh my goodness I was so tiny and yet back then I thought I was big. What was I thinking?!?! But we are our own biggest critics. I've never been one who struggled with my weight. In high school I was very athletic and maintained a healthy weight same with the first few years of marriage. But then between working the nigh shift at the hospital and depression following the lose of Sage food became my emotional outlet I guess you would say. My eating was out of control and I gained 30-40lbs in a short period. Right before I got pregnant with Hannah I got my butt in gear to lose all of that weight and I was on the right track. But thanks to pregnancy I gained a whooping 50lbs at least that's what the scale said on the day I delivered. From walking, nursing and well giving birth I was able to drop 30 of that 50 fast. But the rest has been a struggle. Honestly the first year of being a new mother between the sleep depervation and praying I was doing everything right in this season of motherhood losing weight was not on my brain's radar until I went to the doctor. One day at the doctors office I saw on my form "pregnancy complications due to obesity" what??  I didn't have any pregnancy complications and I did not think I was obese there must be something wrong. But at last due to the wonderful thing called BMI I am considered obese. What happened to that athletic girl in high school where did she go? Did life just get to her and food became the only outlet she could find? And as I look at pictures I can see that. 

  I look at pictures of myself now and I honestly think to myself that in the future I do not want to look back on a picture I took in the last few weeks and think the same thing I thought above. Oh my goodness I was skinny and thought I was big. I want to look back and think, " wow Leah, look at all the hardwork you did and how much it payed off" (as well as go to the doctors and show them that the "obese" girl is no longer here.) 

 Now I'm not saying  I'm going to lose every pound,especially since we don't own a scale anymore because the number on a scale is not a healthy obsession, but I just want to be happy and healthy. I want to wake up in the morning with confidence and just overall feel good about myself. Even if I have to wake up at 5 and get on my bike to achieve that goal. Losing weight is difficult and can be quit frustrating but, if I wait to long to lose it than my journey will end up being harder. 

XO

Leah

P.s. That picture is a picture of a girl getting her confidence back one bike ride at a time. 

Not Just A...

Yesterday I was in panic mode trying to figure out what to write. Some may think its no big deal if I miss a post but if I start slacking than I may never start blogging again and I actually enjoy it. After many ideas being suggested I think I have an idea so lets get started.
I was never that young girl who had dreams of what I wanted to be when I was older. After high school I wanted to be a police officer. I wanted to be similar to Miss Congeniality. That tough single girl who took down the bad guys, while keeping the public safe. Of course God had other plans. After working at camp I started nursing school. During school I still had zero idea of which Nursing field I wanted to work in. Labor and delivery, Peds, Nursing home no idea, but my classmates all knew and I was left like um what am I going to do when I'm out of school. During one of my rotations I met a women who was schizophrenic and oh my goodness I loved talking to this women. Oh course she called me Bobby and kept asking when we were going to "cross the river." I would watch as she would talk to people who weren't there or would have conversations with inanimate objects. That was when I knew Psych is were I would go after graduation. Thankfully,  I got married soon after graduation moved to PA and landed my first job after my very first interview at a Psych hospital not to far from my apartment. Working in the hospital was a lot harder than I thought but I knew these patients needed me. There were good times and there were bad times. There were times  my patients were super nice and we would have an easy shift. Than there were the bad times. The times where my patients would go into an episode and throw chairs clear across the unit, times when I would be attacked through my med window. Times when I was locked in my med-room until the situations were resolved. And of course the times where I had to unwrap sheets from around a patients neck or get broken glass out of someones hand before they swallowed it. Very scary times were I wasn't sure why I kept going back. But then I realized I was there because God put me there and my patients needed me. When I would do my checks I would ask each patient if they would want me to pray with them, and they did! I would pray with some of the patients before I left my shift and would share Bible stories with them. It helped them and it also helped me. When it was time for me to move on from the hospital it was rough but I knew that it was the right move and boy do I miss some of my patients. I will never forget them and everything I learned from the hospital.
 During the time in the hosiptal and even now as the Head Nurse of Handi*Camp I've learned something. I'm not just their nurse I am their friend as well. Just like the fact Im not just a mom, just a wife,  just a daughter, just a sister. I'm Leah a mother, a friend, a daughter, missionary, cousin, wife and of course  a nurse. This is not the life I envisioned for myself  but its a lot better than I thought it would be and I'm proud of all that Ive accomplished and been through. I will gladly put on my "doctor stethoscope" and make sure all my campers are safe, give out their meds, and be a hand to hold when they need it. It takes a special person to be a nurse and I am happy I get to share this sisterhood (and brotherhood) of nurses with so many amazing people. 

XO
Leah

A Grieiving Mother: Toddler Transitions

When we became pregnant with Presley we were so excited to give Hannah a sibling. Since Hannah would become the older of the children she would move into a big girl room and get her big girl bed before the new baby's arrival in December. We knew quite quickly that we wanted to move Hannah's room and transition her crib pretty soon after camp so we could work on the nursery since we would be almost half way through the pregnancy. After we lost Presley the thoughts of changing Han's room vanished and I knew that going home from camp would be hard because we had those big plans. I remember at one point walking into Hannah's nursery and just crying and grieving that I wasn't able to go through with those plans and that come December I wouldn't be putting a new baby in that room. A few weeks passed and the initial grief wave was over and than we technically lost the baby for the second time and had to get a second surgery. I was yet again worried to go home because even though it was still Presley and I grieved throughout the weeks prior I wasnt quite sure if it would sneak back up when I went into Hannahs room again. Thankfully it didn't.
  About a week ago my turbo toddler started to climb out of her crib. I knew this day would come sooner than I wanted since she climbs on everything. So after talking with Kyle it was time to convert her crib into her toddler bed. I knew she was ready and was a little confused as to why Mommy took pretty much everything out of her room except her crib. While Kyle was taking the crib a part  the emotions and the tears just started to flow unexpectedly. I honestly didn't think it would happen. I wasn't crying because of Hannah growing up. I am thrilled she is becoming a "big girl." Okay yes I am a little sad she isn't in the crib but I know she is safer in the toddler bed and she actually really likes it and Mommy likes that nap strike is over. I was crying because it took me right back to those plans we had before camp. Actually seeing the crib transitioning into a toddler bed and knowing its not because of a new baby was so hard. I haven't cried that hard since Presley passed. It was just a really hard day and as I type this my eyes are swelling up thinking about it. You would think that grief is a short process at least I did but, when its your own child some days it feels like everything makes you cry. I know that most likely when we switch her room for her second birthday and the nursery goes back to being a computer room I will probably cry then too. But just like in a post Ive written before I take the time to cry and I get back up and keep on going, keeping Presley and even Sage in the back of my mind and forefront of my heart. I still hope that eventually the nursery will become a nursery again and Hannah will get her very own baby (at least that is what she would think) but for right now we are just taking things one day at a time, all the transitions and all the tears included.

XO
Leah

A letter: To Hannah's Mother in Law

Dear Hannah's Future Mother in Law,

     I may have met you and maybe I have not. We could have grown up with each other, gone through school together, met at a summer camp, met in passing, or I may not have had the privilege of meeting you yet. But some day I will. When my beautiful Hannah grows up and falls in love and introduces me to the mother who taught her son how to love my daughter. This letter is for you.

     Mother hood is a hard journey and can seem lonely at times. I don't know where you are yet in your journey. Whether your son is getting ready for preschool, hasn't been born yet, or if you are going through the fun yet tiring start of the toddler years. But I want to thank you. I want to thank you for carrying your son for months on end whether the journey was easy or hard, and for giving him life. I want to thank you for the 2am feedings and the sleep depervation. I want to thank you for giving up going out, and hanging out with friends on the weekend because your son needed you. Thank you for the worries, and possible doctor trips for colds and of course staying up to make sure everything is okay. Thank you for allowing part of your heart to walk outside of your body. Thank you for showing this little boy how to love and for loving him unconditionally. Thank you for allowing your little baby to grow up and love my daughter. And of course thank you for loving my daughter as I love her. 

 I want you to know that not only do I pray for a wonderful God fearing boy to enter into my life and whisp my daughter away into marriage (in time, ya know when she's about 45.) but, I pray for you daily. I pray for your health, I pray for your sanity since motherhood can get crazy. I pray that wherever you are on your journey that you are placing your trust in God. I pray for you everyday, as a fellow mother and as a friend and I will continue to pray for you every day.

With love,

Leah 

 Now I get what your saying. Why in the world are you thinking about marriage when your daughter is barely two. I have heard that kids grow up fast and before I know it my almost 2 year old will be older and walking down the aisle to start her new journey. Since she was born I've prayed for the man that in time will go on the marriage journey with Hannah and I pray that he will treat her well and love the Lord just as much as I hope Hannah will. But, these past few months the mother of said son has been on my heart, and I decided to start to pray for her as well. I know that motherhood is hard and I need all the prayer I can get to make it to that wonderful time called bedtime and I'm sure she does too. Maybe one day years from now when we meet I'll show her this letter and let her know that I've been praying for not only her son but for her as well. But, until that day comes, I'll continue to pray. 

XO

Leah 

#MomStatus

When I first realized I was going to be a mom I had dreams and visions of the type of mom I was going to be. I was going to be that Pinterest mom who was good at crafts, could make edible nontoxic play dough, and of course those colorful cakes. That mom with a clean house, nothing out of place dishes and laundry done on a schedule. The mom who would wake up before her family shower, get dressed, do her hair and makeup and of course have an elaborate healthy breakfast ready for when everyone got up. The mom who would spend every minute she could playing with her child lots of outside activities, never raising her voice and just being that perfect mom 

 Well once the pain meds wore off and I was home all of that went straight out the window. That mom does not exist in my house. I've tried but she is a mirage. Instead I'm the realistic mom. I'm the mom who goes to bed too late and wakes up the same time as the toddler. I'm the mom who doesn't remember the last time she took a shower longer than 5 minutes. The mom whose go to outfit is leggings and a messy bun. I've put Barney on so I can drink my coffee in peace while it's still hot. I've hidden in the bathroom so I could have 5 minutes sitting on the floor to read a magazine (thank you nap strike.) The mom who has given her child chicken nuggets because they are easy and I haven't slept in days. I'm the mom who just realized the laundry she put in the washer yesterday...is still in the washer whoops! But I'm the mom who loves unconditionally. Would go to the end of the Earth for my family. Only wants the best for Hannah, will still kiss her and hug her in public even when she doesn't want me too. I'm the mom who isn't perfect and no matter how hard I try to be a perfect mom/wife won't be. Even when I'm on the break of insanity I wouldn't change a thing. Even with the bap strikes, the multiple time outs, the long days and short nights I love my job as mom. And hannah probably doesn't realize that mommy hasn't showered, she's eating chicken nuggets two days in a row, that playing hide and seek is actually let hannah hide and I'll wait 5 minutes to find her so I can brush my teeth. But all she knows is Im her mommy and as long as she is happy and healthy I'm doing my job. She doesn't care about colorful spaghetti and elaborate crafts she just wants to play with mommy, dance barefoot in the kitchen, chase the dog and I can do that all day everyday. As long as she wants her mommy I'm here (and even when she doesn't want me) #momstatusforthewin 

XO

Leah

Life is like a log flume...

...you never know what's going to happen next. So who else said that in a Forrest Gump voice?  Last night we returned from a wonderful 3 day vacation. One of the highlights of vacation is going on the rides at the boardwalk. Anyone who knows me knows I'm petrified of heights. Like clear elevators give me anxiety. Since becoming a mom somedays my anxiety tips the scale. But, during vacation I went on the log flume again after not going on it for a few years.  This log flume wasn't like the one I was on before. This had TWO hills meaning I had to go up and down twice. Oh crap. But I wanted to try it anyway. (It was a hot day and the water looked refreshing.). As we sat down (sister in law, myself, father in law) I was getting nervous and wrestled with the thought of jumping out before we got to the tunnel. Unfortunately, I missed my chance, so I had to stay until the ride was over. I felt the ride go up and I closed my eyes and squeezed the handle bars and we went down. Phew! That was the big hill right...wrong! That was the tiny hill. We got to the top of the big hill and I heard my sister in law say. Hey there's no more water! What?? I opened my eyes to see there was in fact no more water under us, but I looked in the distance and could see the ocean and it was breathtaking and for an instant I forgot that I was about to plunge back down to earth (dramatic I know.) After the ride was finished I felt refreshed and happy that I didn't back out. 

  How does an amusement ride relate to life? Well in life there are so many up and downs. You can feel so many emotions at onetime. These past few months felt like an amusement park ride that I wanted to get off but I couldn't. Even at the lowest points I knew that things could only go up and get better and they have. If I didn't open my eyes on the log flume I would have missed a beautiful view of the ocean. Just like in life I have to keep my eyes open because then I'll hopefully be able to see what lessons I can learn and what God is trying to tell me through the ups and downs of life. At the time being I still have no idea what God has been trying to telling to me or how these months fit into his plan but I'll keep my eyes open and I'll keep looking at what He is trying to say. 

 The next time you're on a ride don't forget to take in the views, and the next time your going through the "downs" of life don't forget to keep your eyes open to see what God is trying to tell you. 

Xo

Leah

It's okay to cry...as long as you get back up

 I absolutely HATE HATE HATE to cry. I don't like to cry alone and you better believe I do not like to cry in front of other people. With the grief associated with losing a child I have spent many days/ nights crying. Yesterday was one of those days. I was so overcome with grief the tears became the words that I couldn't speak. You see we would have been half way through Presleys pregnancy. We would have found out the gender (maybe) and started coming up with ideas for a nursery. I see others having healthy happy pregnancies with a similiar due dates and I'll be the first to admit it gets hard. Am I happy for them YES do I wish that was me YES but currently I have an empty womb and an empty place in my heart. Now I know what some are saying, You have a beautiful toddler how can you be so upset. But losing a child that you never got a chance to meet is hard and its something that no matter how many children I have I will never forget the ones I lost.
 I have had many rough days especially after the second surgery. There have been days where I would rather stay in bed all day and have a pity party but, I cant do that. I have to get up everyday and keep going on with my Life. I refuse to let myself spiral into a black hole of misery. As much as grieving stinks and as much as the tears stream down my face because the words just cant come out, I have to keep going. Yesterday while I was having a cryfest alone in my room a song came over the radio Survivor by Matthew West. The lyrics that really hit hard were "Your strength has been stolen away and your faith has been worn to a fray But you live to live on one more day Cause you're a survivor And nothing can stop you now nothing can back you down, you never give up, you never give in you're a survivor." Isn't that the truth. We are all survivors no matter what the circumstances may be. I pray that who ever is reading this, whatever you have gone through that no matter what, after you have one of those days where its hard to get up, hard to say how you are feeling, that you will get up and keep going because no matter what you've been through you ARE a survivor.

XO
Leah

Kyle's wife, Hannah's mom...whats your name again

When I first got married I wasn't sure how to react to seeing people and being called "oh yea your Kyle's wife" Honestly it drove me crazy that that was my identifier and when ever we went to conferences or banquets people  didn't know my name. Now, I understand everyone who has heard of HVMI know who Kyle is and the fact that well he was born into the ministry. But a girl from New who just got married to Kyle didn't know how to handle it. I wasn't sure if it was a compliment, if people were trying to be funny or just had no idea who I was. I didn't know what do so that people would know me as Leah and not just Kyles Wife.
 When Hannah was born another identifier was born as well. Oh your Hannahs mom. This didnt bug me as much since well she is my daughter and I'm pretty darn proud of the little girl I created. But in a sense why didnt being called Hannahs mom affect me as much as Being called Kyle's wife.
 This weekend we went to a baptism for one of our campers and well I introduced myself to some as Kyle's wife. It may have taken me oh you know a couple years to get used being called Kyle's wife and  not really having my own name but, quite honestly I am so proud to be called Kyle's wife. He is 26 and has accomplished so much in his life. He is the Assistant to the Executive Director,  the director of various other parts of HV. He is a loving husband or works two jobs so that I am able to stay home with Hannah. He is a loving Daddy and strives to make sure Han is okay and is growing up to be a lady.
 So what made the "tides turn" and make me not so crazy that sometimes people don't know my name. Well its the campers of course it all ties back to them.  This weekend at the baptism we greated our camper who just took a huge leap of faith. Of course he was super excited to see Kyle and gave him a hug but then he turned to me and said Leah. My heart melted. Some campers I'm not sure if they know my name other than the fact that Im married to the greatest guy ever but this camper knew my name without me saying anything. That made me realize that in the 7or so years of being a part of Handi*Camp ( I still have what 19 years to catch up to kyle though) that I'm doing something right and the individuals I work with and love are realizing that I am more than Kyle's wife I am Leah.
 What is the point of this rambling blog? Just some thoughts that I wanted to get out but, the next time you see me feel free to call me Kyle's wife, Hannah's mom, Super Nurse(lol) or Leah. Because I am proud to be called any of those. Oh but feel free to call Kyle Leah's husband next time you see him ;)

XO
Leah

P.S I want to start a Q&A on the blog hopefully once a week depending on if I get questions. You ask the questions and I'll answer ( as long as they are appropriate) So feel free to ask whatever you want. Favorite color, how I met kyle, where do I see myself in 5 years etc. Leave a comment here, instagram under this post, or email me LJRobinson89@gmail.com
See you next Wednesday!

The Kindness Project

Since my blog has over 1000 views I thought I would do another entry. I'm still so blown away by all of the love and support for yesterday's entry. Thank you so much!!

Back to the title of this entry. As Hannahs mom it's my job to teach her valuable life lessons(and Id like to think I take my job very seriously) on that note it's my job to teach her kindness. Since she is a missionary kid she knows that everyone is created differently but we still need to love,be kind and pray to/for everyone we meet. I want to go a step further. 

 When I first got pregnant with Hannah I started friendships with a bunch of girls all over the globe who were due around the same time. We all shared this amazing journey together and are still on this journey of motherhood together. Even though we've never met, these girls are like family. We've shared tears together, joy, laughs you name it. 

  So what does this have to do with the "kindness project." Well each month I'm going to let Hannah pick out one of the girls names. We will have two boxes one for the moms and one for the babes. She will pick out from each box (small little items) and we will draw a picture and send a letter as well as pray over that mom and babe for the month. I want to teach her to be kind and pray for everyone, even those she's never met Hopefully I'll be able to keep up with this little project and Hannah will learn from it as well as brighten someone's day. 

xo

Leah

Faith unshaken; The Story of Presley Robinson

 Life has been Crazy since I last blogged. We found out we were pregnant with our second child in April. It was an answer to prayers and we were so excited to have another baby right around Hannah's Second birthday. Through out the beginning of the pregnancy I had a strange feeling that this Pregnancy wouldnt last. I was praying to God that I would have the peace I had during Hannah's pregnancy but for some reason I wasn't finding it. On May 21 I received the news that my baby whom I have carried for 9 weeks was no longer living. It was devastating especially since the day before everything was perfect.My baby was Born into Heaven and I never got a chance to meet him or her. Grieving was rough since I was at camp and never had some alone time But the support and Love I felt during that time was amazing and I truly appreciate my camp/work family.
  When we finally got home on July 4th I knew I would be overcome with grief being home for the first time since our baby( who we later named Presley) passed. It was rough but I was thankful to be home and get back into the swing of things of being a Stay At Home Mom. On July 20th I got yet another positive test and I was filled with joy, But I couldnt shake the feeling of thinkinig that this was left over from Presley's pregnancy. After talking to the Nurse she assured me that since I had surgery in May that this was in fact a new pregnancy. I still wasnt so sure. On Thursday ( Now I hate thursdays by the way, funny thing is im writing this on a thursday) I rushed to the ER with some unexplained symptoms and being pregnant I wasnt taking any chances. While getting an ultrasound I looked on the screen and there I saw a baby, Head, Torso,Arms, Legs and no Heartbeat. The tech was shocked, inside of me was a 9week old baby with no Heartbeat whom I named Presley two months ago. After the shock set in of knowing that all this time I thought I was grieiving a baby who was no longer inside of me he/she was in fact still in me for the past two months, we decided to go ahead and get yet another surgery on the 24th.  The staff were amazing since this is something that never happens, yes a piece of the baby's tissue could be left inside but never the entire baby.
  So where does this leave us a week later. Confused? Scared? Full of Tears? All of the above. But at the same time optimistic. God has a huge plan for my life. I of course have no idea what that plan is. I know his plans are so much greater than mine ( says the girl who wanted to be a non married police officer but is now a loving wife and mom) I do have times of thinking Why me, Why did I have to go through surgery twice for one baby, Why did I lose my beautiful baby while people who don't follow God go on to have so many children. God I'm not as strong as you think I am. But God draws close to the brokenhearted and I know that he cries right along with me. This is something that could rock peoples faith but just like after losing Sage in 2012 God doesn't do this to spite me, he is using me for something greater. Even through this sadness and confusion I'm going to continue to lean on God and look towards him. He's got this and He's got me.
  I'm very optimistic about the future and about Future Babies. Look at the women in the Bible, Sarah had a baby at a very old age. Hannah never ceased praying to have a baby, and of course Leah who God saw was unloved so he opened her womb to bore children. Those women loved God and never stopped praying and that's what I'll continue to do. All of this just adds to my testimony and through the tears in my eyes I can't wait to see what comes of this.

Xo
Leah

Mommy said...Saturday Edition

It's just after 10am and the things I've said to my daughter today are things I can only look back and laugh at. Hope you enjoy! 

1) "Hannah Stop trying to run over the dog!" Yup had to say that not once but twice. We got hannah a new toy that she can drive around the house but of course her only mission is to run over the dog. 

2) "bananas don't belong in your diaper". Whats the fascination with sticking things down her diaper? I don't think I'll ever understand. But, I do hope this phase ends soon. I've found way to much food and various other things in there when I go to change her 

3) "Hannah don't stick your finger there, it might get stuck". Did she listen...Nope..did her finger get stuck...yup... Did I almost have to use butter to unstick her finger..yup 

4) "Hannah Elizabeth stop licking the dog!" Yup super gross I swear we feed her 

5) "Please stop playing with the light switch" she's finally tall enough to reach our stairway light switch so all day I just see the lights flicker. Of course I thought it was a circut problem or a ghost..Nope just a curious toddler having fun. 

Thankfully daddy has a short day of work so once he's home I'll keep an ear out and maybe do a Daddy's edition haha 

XO

Leah

Happy Wife..Happy life....

..or at least that's the saying. But what about Happy husband, or happy marriage. With everything going on right now life seems to have gotten the best of me and Kyle. Now Im not saying our marriage is in shambles or we aren't in love with each other. It just fees like sometimes we are just living life and just getting by, Not really striving for anything else. Its like we are on autopilot I guess. Wake up eat breakfast he goes to work, hours pass he comes home I say Hi and go to bed. We don't have alot of  "us" time and quite honestly we don't put effort into making us time. 

Today I was invited to a moms group and the session was titled " Keeping Romance Alive" Isolation VS Intimacy. It talked about the three common results when couples fall out of love. Now let me just start by saying I absolutely love my husband he is my favorite person in the word (other than Hannah) but its true after almost 5 years of marriage and a child the butterflies aren't as strong as they used to be. After the session today and feeling like the speaker had cameras in my house I need to be more intentional about my marriage.  Unfortunately when Kyle and I get into our little disagreements I do hold grudges and I try to one up him and really am mean. There were two things that really stood out to me today. To invest more in your relationship than you withdraw, and to Experience Life together.

Invest more than you withdraw to put it in different terms be a Giver not a taker. I know at times I take and take and take but its because I feel like I give. I try to keep the house clean, do the  dishes, laundry, clutter, I make sure Hannah is okay dressed appropriately, has enough to eat, isnt stationed in front of the tv. But in a sense I feel like I'm giving to my husband but I don't know if that's really what he needs. With his new work schedule he inst home alot and has some rough days, he may need me to just listen to him when he gets home I can give him and ear but am I actually doing that. No, because by that time of night Im exhausted and just want to fall into bed. I need to see what his true needs are and Im hoping to do better at that.

The Second thing is to Experience Life Together. Yes we experience life together,  We obviously experienced buying our first house and the birth of our daughter together. But what about the rest of the time. What about the sunset that God paints every night just for us. Or the flowers starting to bloom as spring is right around the corner, What about those things are we experiencing those things? Unfortunately the answer yet again is No. Life gets busy but we need to stop and just experience EVERYTHING together. Life can either be rough or fun. I want it to be the latter. And I want to experience it with my husband. 

Im praying that I can take these to heart and not just get on a kick and than slowly fall back into auto pilot. Im hoping when Kyle gets home tonight we can really sit down talk and listen to eachother so we can see what each of us needs instead of just guessing. Ill leave you with my new life verse Acts 2:35 "It is more blessed to give than to receive."

XO

Leah

Dishelved

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like you would lose your head if it wasn't attached.  I've felt like that the past few days. My house is a mess I cant find anything, my socks don't match, my daughter is wearing pink pants with a red shirt. I feel like life is on hyper speed and I'm trying to catch up.

I think it all started when my one year old cut her 3rd tooth.Sleeping hasn't been the best and she has been quite clingy. Which is okay when I don't have a million things going on. This weekend is the retreat for my work. Its a nice time for our guests to get away and Learn more about God. Being the head nurse there is alot for me to do and I completely forgot one of the biggest things....getting Doctor coverage.How in the world did I forget to do that!! Last Thursday I sat down and called the doctor to request coverage apologizing profusely for the fact that I usually give them a months notice and now its less than a week. I waited for a phone call back and tried to put it out of my mind during our conferences over the weekend. Monday comes and I hurry up with my sleepy toddler to work and write the letter and get everything ready to mail and stick it in our bin to go to the post office. I call and tell them everything is in the mail and apologize again. Then they say just fax it over...Fax why didn't I think of that. It gets there quicker and I get a quick response. Duh! After I get everything ready to fax and fax it I rush home since the napping window for my toddler is very short and I put her in her crib set her up and decide maybe ill take a shower while shes napping. Of course as soon as I get in the shower  the windows of my house are about to crack with squeals of a very upset little lady. 2 minute non-relaxing shower later (personal best) I get the baby situated and she thankfully falls asleep for real this time. Time for coffee maybe that's what I need to get out of this funk. Coffee made...no creamer..Thankfully my neighbor lent me some so i can have some coffee. Than I sit down and look around my disheveled messy house and look to my side to see my daily devotional (which ive been unfortunately lacking) and start to read. Of course just like with everything else the devotional is right on point. Sometimes life gets hectic and chaotic, sometimes days are long and nights are short but I have to remember to turn to God take some time and of course BREATH. Being a mom, missionary, wife, nurse, daughter,sister, cousin, friend can get tough but if I don't take time to sit down breath and spend time with God than quite frankly my head is going to fly off. Just like with this post life gets messy but you just have to take some "me time"  and know everything will be okay

XO
Leah

Day over..do over

Have you ever had one of those days that just doesn't go right. It seems like everything is just going wrong? Today is one of those days for me. 

 I had a doctors appointment this morning that I scheduled a month ago. I haven't been looking forward to going but I figured it would be a fast appointment....an hour after my scheduled time I was still sitting in the waiting room waiting. I was eventually called back and was able to talk to the doctor and of course the results weren't was I was hoping for. I left went to get coffee and rush home so Kyle could go to work. Once home I realized the lunch I wanted to eat was gone and there was no more juice in the house. Than I got sick and realized Hannah was alone in the other end of the house. Yes that has bad news written all over it. And as I sit here hoping Hannah settles down to nap I realized how crazy this morning was and it didn't not go according to plan but that's just life sometimes. And you either go with flow or you don't. 

 My devotional today really lined up with this morning as it was talk about finding peace in God during stressful situations. And that is so true! Instead of being angry that my appointment was running late or throw a pity party because I'm sick I need to pray and find comfort within God. Hopefully I'll be able to remember that in the future 

Xo

Leah

Surface Devotions

I know for myself finding quiet time with God is so difficult some days. My quiet time with God used to be when I was driving in my car alone. I would just talk out loud as if God was sitting in the passenger seat. After Hannah came I found myself to never be alone in the car. Unfortunately my time with God was put on the back burner and I didn't realize it. I started going to a wonderful Bible study at my church and met an amazing group of women and it was then that I realized I was missing something. I thought it was social interaction with woman my own age, and I enjoyed going and seeing them weekly (well the weeks that I could make it.) Within the past few weeks I've realized I have become in a sense mean, short tempered and a conclusion jumper (sorry Kyle) and its really reeked havoc in my life. I just felt like something was missing, but I was so quick to jump to anger instead of rational thinking.  I started to really look inward and I realized that I am missing that quiet time with God, that helps keep me in check and makes me feel better about life. My wonderful husband got me a new Bible for Christmas and I am so excited to dive into it. But as far as devotions go I'm not one who can just open the Bible and read, I need guidance. I invested in a devotional Journal by Sarah Young. I was skeptical at first and made sure to find time daily to do my devotions, usually during Han's nap time, and I must admit the past two days have been exceptionally incredible!! The devotions lined up exactly with what I am going through and make me want to open and dig in the Bible for more answers. Its so refreshing and I can feel my soul becoming happy. It feels as though God is saying this is what you have been missing, here is the information you have been searching for, and here I am. Yesterday's devotional was about trusting God, today's devotion was about praying with perseverance. Two things I have struggled with over the past week. Its incredible and I am so excited to see what tomorrows devotion will say and what else God has in store for my life. 

Xo
Leah

Adaptability

You win some and you lose some. That's what kept running through my head today. Yesterday I started a new schedule with Hannah and it went so much better than I could have expected it. Today...that was another story. She slept in her crib until 745ish (usually she comes in our bed at 6am) she felt like skipping her morning nap and it was not a silent protest in the slightest. Okay so we adapted and played had a morning snack to try and keep the rest of the day on schedule. Lunch came and so did nap time. Well nap time (2 glorious hours I am able to get things done) turned into half an hour of barely anything. As much as I tried, sleep wasn't going to happen. No temp wasn't hungry so we played, and played, screamed a bit, and played in the snow. Eventually she ate dinner once dada got home and went to bed 5:45. 

Today's schedule was not her normal schedule and I had to adapt to what she decided we were doing today. I love schedules but with a toddler I have to be okay with the fact that sometimes I have to throw it out the window and play by her rules. Scary but it will all be okay and will just be a busier night when she finally goes to bed. And of course tomorrow is a new day! 

Xo

Leah

First birthday...

Due to sickness and the excitement of Hans bday I haven't been able to write 👎 but I feel semi human today so let's get the party started! 

My precious baby turned one on December 23! When people say the first year goes fast boy were they right!  I really wish I could have taken in all of those sleepy cuddles and needing me for practically everything. Take me back to the days of tummy time, nursing, baby butts with animals on them. Before the mad face, no no no, the walking, and getting into everything. Lol 

 As much as I miss that little newborn that came home from the hospital over a year ago I must admit I absolutely LOVE seeing her grown and experience new things. The way her eyes light up when she figures something out and giggles at everything. It's incredible. I still can't believe that she's a toddler this almost walking, talking (still toothless) little person. 

 I'm so excited to watch her grow and see who she's going to turn into. What type of woman she will be. And of course what her take on the world 

Xo

Leah