An insightful Dream

Obviously if you follow this blog you know my struggles with Postpartum depression. It's a never ending battle and I'm assuming, after a dream the other night it's on my mind even when I'm sleeping.
After talking with doctors switching around some things I finally found a regiment to help me feel semi normal. But after a dream I had my eyes are more open and I am so much more aware of what is going on more than what medication or talking it out can do.
So this dream...it started that I had a weekend full of weddings to attend. The last wedding was for a women named Alison and once I got to the reception (held at my home church) I was questioned as to how I knew the bride. I couldn't answer and was accused of stalking the wedding. I realized I was my mother's plus one but due to the allegations I left. As I was walking to my car I noticed a baby stroller with a baby in it so I  started to walk towards it to see if the baby was in need. Once I realized the baby's father was around I decided to keep going instead of turning around to my car. I ended up walking through what looked like Camden NJ at night and realized many people needed help. I then noticed I had a fanny pack full of bandaids and antibiotics ointment and helped everyone I could. I continued walking and noticed the walls were covered in writing, the writing that you would see under a black light. These writings were words and sentences that I have found my self saying to myself in the past. as I was walking I was essentially getting lost within this building, covered in these not so nice sentences. As I was walking just trying to find a way out I didn't know what to do. Eventually I saw a light and ran towards it. It got brighter and brighter and brighter until I realized I was outside! It was beautiful! I was in what looked to be a realistic future with hover cars and robots and also noticed the year was 2982. Meaning everyone I loved was not around anymore (yes yes I know I wouldn't be around either but it was a dream.)
When I woke up it was as if I woke up from a fog. It all made sense! That dream was showing me that if I keep in this dark depression state I  am going to miss out on so much, with my kids, with my husband, with the one life I have. I'm not one to ever interpret dreams but I honestly believe it was my subconscious telling me to shape up. But since that dream I have been happy, more aware of my actions and quite frankly I have laughed. It's been a long time since I've laughed and it was so nice. So I think it's safe to say that my dream was a wish my heart made (without me realizing it of course lol)

XO
Leah

I'm (not) Fine

Those words not in parthensis are the words I've uttered to myself and those around me for the past month.  Unbeknownst to any of us my depression and anxiety slowly crept back into my life. It started lightly by me having no motivation to clean my house, or take care of myself. I attributed it to just being legitimately tired. I found myself just wanting to sit and cry, go back to bed and not deal with life, of course I thought it was just being overwhelmed with kyle traveling so much. I would check on the kids every hour during the night (usually it was the one hour Saul actually slept) to make sure they were breathing and okay. If I tried to convince myself they were okay I would nearly go into a panic attack of what ifs.
Obviously my PPD/PPA is different then others. The stigma with Post Partum Depression is that since I've been diagnosed with it I want to harm myself or my children. That is very untrue in my case. I want my children to be safe but I am not doing anythung to enrich their lives. There has been way to much TV time for my liking, barely any playtime, I was just doing what I had to do to get through the day until I could go back to sleep. Looking back on it all it makes me so upset at all those missed opputunities to teach and play. Those are times I will never get back and my depression stole it from me.
Yesterday 2/6 is when it all came to the front of my mind. I was sitting in a meeting and ready to run out of there. I stopped and thought to myself my goodness what is going on with me and then it hit, I am depressed. After it was over I raced out to call my doctor since everything made so much sense now. I cried on the phone explaining my feelings and everything that has happened. We agreed to try some different things and meet in a few weeks to see if any other adjustments need to happen.
The journey of depression is a rough one. I'm not quite sure when I will be as happy as I once was but I know it will happen and I'll get to that point. Now, that I realized what was wrong I can make the changes that need to happen so my family isn't deprived of fun memories with mom.

XO
Leah