FEARfully and wonderfully made

One of my favorite verses in the Bible talks about how we are knit together in our mothers wombs and are fearfully and wonderfully made. Since I am pregnant that verse pops up alot and I think how this child I am carrying is someone God specifically made, and He made this person with the intent that I be his or her mother. That just baffles me! Before I was created, heck before even Adam and Eve  were created God knew that I would be pregnant with this child. How crazy is that! As I was writing a title for this blog I specifically put fear in all caps since well that's how I am feeling at this exact moment.
 No one tells you that when you lose a child there are different days that will effect you more than others especially the first year after the child passed. In regards to Presley, we have four days ( Presleys due date, when I was 10 weeks with boom since we lost presley at ten weeks, the exact date of presley passing, and the Thursday of orientation when I learned about Presley being born into Heaven.) Tomorrow is our fourth hard day and as it gets closer I am so overcome with fear that it makes my stomach turn. Being pregnant during these specific days makes things alot harder, when I've actually been told it makes things easier. I am fearful that Ill end up in the same predicament as last year. And as much as I pray, as much as I give this baby and this pregnancy to God everyday the fear doesn't subside. I'm only human though, I do trust God that whatever his plans for this baby are I'm trusting in Him. It doesn't make things easier but to be honest I don't think anything will make tomorrow easier.
 So as we approach our fourth and final hard day I'm praying for an uneventful day but ultimately the day is in God's hands and I'm trusting in Him to help me make it through the day (with not too many breakdowns) But as it also says in the Bible, Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.

XO
Leah

Do I still look at my husband...

...the same way I did when we got married?
 The other day my pregnant self thought it would be a good idea to pop in our wedding video and reminisce on that amazing day 5 years ago. As I got to our first dance I saw the way I looked at my new husband and thought do I still look at him the same way? Do I still look at him with googly eyes, while getting butterflies in my stomach? Do I still hang onto every word he says, and look at him as if he my high-school crush that I'm too nervous to talk to? The simple truth is no. No I do not look at my husband the same way I did when we first got married. And to be honest I'm not ashamed of that either.
 Through these 5 years we've been through a lot, from living together, to buying a house, to going through 4 pregnancies and lord willingly will be welcoming our second child soon. We've fought, we've cried, we've learned, and we've grown up. The way I look at my husband now isn't with those first love googly eyes. I look at my husband in amazement and with so much respect. He stuck by my side through so much, he's never given up on our family, works so hard to provide for our family and overall is just an amazing guy. I couldn't imagine doing this whole life thing with anyone else.  So yes I do look at my husband differently now, but my love for him is still as strong (or possibly even stronger) as the day we got married. That's really all that matters.

XO
Leah

One Year Ago Today....

One year ago I was so excited as a wife and as a mother. One year ago today we announced that we were expecting our second child to be born in December. We were thrilled to share our news and had hopes and dreams for this baby (later to be named Presley) The best part, Hannah and Presley would be excatly 2 years apart just like what our "plan" was.
 Unfortunatly sometimes our plan isn't The plan and if you've followed our journey you know what happens a week later. I knew this day was coming up and I knew it would be hard but I am so thankful to be pregnant now and entering my 31st week.  I will never understand God's plan fully, and I'm not meant to but in the good times and bad times I just need to trust Him and lean on Him. Which is what I'm trying to do through this whole process. Yes I have a beautiful daughter, and yes I'm currently pregnant but grieving the loss of a child doesn't just go away with a new pregnancy. This Pregnancy will never take the place of Presley just like how Hannah and her pregnancy never replaced Sage. Time heals all and I know in time these days will get easier. Plus having an amazing support system helps too.
I absolutely love all my children, Sage my first love heaven born, Hannah my wild earthside child, Presley born straight into Jesus's arms, and Boom boom my kickboxing still cooking. As upset as I am that after we shared our news about Presley, he/she passed away. And the fact that December came and I wasn't holding a newborn I'm grateful that I was able to carry that child for as long as I did. And I am even more grateful that God is currently giving me another chance with Boom boom.  There  is so much more I want to say but honestly I'm having a hard time. So I'll close out with this, sometimes our Plan A,B,C do not work out but Plan G, God's Plan always will.

XO
Leah.

Dear 130am

Have you ever reached that point in life where you just want to throw up your hands and say "I'm done" and just hide under the covers. Well I'm currently at that point. You see it has been a week since I've gotten a "good" nights sleep and it has nothing to do with the aches and pains of pregnancy.  I can deal with those hip pains, kickboxing in the wee hours of the morning. No this sleep strike is caused by none other than an awful cough that I just can't seem to shake. I know I know in hindsight it's preparing me for the sleepless nights of camp, and the newborn stage but wouldn't that mean that sleeping now should be important since in a few weeks it will be non existent?
  Staring at the clock and seeing all hours of the night, until I literally pass out than am woken with yet another cough attack, has given me plenty of time to really evaluate things and just talk to God. It can get so hard to admit failure in any aspect of life and maybe it's pregnancy hormones, or my new friend sleep deprivation but I feel like I've been failing or to put in a nicer term overall lacking in my responsibilities. I swear whoever reads this blog probably thinks I'm the worst mom and wife ever, but it's better to express your feelings no matter how many times the same feelings come up than keep them in.
 Anyway during one of my 130 sessions (lol) I looked back on the last few weeks and thought about three important aspects of life. God, family, household. I thought about when the last time I really dug into God's word and talked to him in a different manner than just prayer before bedtime and honestly I couldn't come up with an answer. Now that is just terrible! God gave me this amazing life I'm living I should never let the busyness of it get in the way of drawing closer to Him. But I have, and that is just sad especially with the chaos of life about to hit 100 in the next few weeks.
 Next family, now I have to admit I have been trying to be more intentional in my marriage and as a mother and some days are better than others. But  (with the exception of being sick and nearly quarantined) I've been trying to be more present for Hannah and Kyle. I hope they are seeing it and there is always room for improvement. It's weird though as I was looking through wedding pictures I saw the way I looked at my new husband and I thought to myself do I still look at him that way 5 years later?...that will be a new blog post so be on the look out
 Household. So I've never been the best cleaner as kyle says I'm a pack rat which is true I have a hard time throwing things away, hence why I still have a bag of old high school t-shirts. But I will admit when I was nesting I got a lot done and I'm hoping that will come back instead of the current neglect my house and chores are facing. I want to be able to keep a clean organized house but it feels like as soon as it's clean and organized tornado toddler comes through. I just need to figure out a schedule that works and stick to it no matter what since the schedule I have currently just isn't cutting it. I know that no matter what once the new baby gets here it will take some to get back into a routine so hopefully my house will be spotless before I leave for camp. Ambitions right!  With three weeks to go until we leave I need to get my butt in gear.

XO
Leah

Bloom Voxbox

I was so excited to recieve this box since it was a surprise box and I had no idea what would be in beforehand. So far this has been my favorite to date. The way ill review is a brief summary, the price of eacjh product and than a happy face scale of hpw satifised i was 1 being not so much and 5 being extremely that ill buy thr product. So let's get started.
 Cute Advanced revival Nail Polish pads. 

Good bye liquid remover! These nail Polish pads were amazing and one pad removed all the nail Polish off my fingers and probably my toes ( if I could reach them.) There was no harsh smell and no mess! The best part they aren't that expensive either!
$ 1.49-3.99
I give this product ☺☺☺☺☺

Not Your Mother's Plump For Joy

 I have tried Not your mother's products before and always loved them so I wasn't surprised when this product worked so well! My hair is confused where it's not curly, not straight no wavy, it's all of the above. But one thing my hair does lack is lift especially at the roots and this added some body and shine which is what I like
$3.00 (2oz) 7.00 (8oz)
☺☺☺☺☺

Nuxe Hulle prodigies multi purpose dry oil 

Other than Argan oil I have never used oil in my hair and never have I used it on my body so I was hesitant. I feel like oil makes my hair look more greasy than shiny, and with sensitive pregnancy skin I wasn't a fan of the way it made me feel.
$ 29.00 (50ml) $45.00 (100ml)
☺☺☺

Sunbelt Bakery Granola Bar

 Delicious! Holy moly this was so good and I'm not just saying that because I'm a chocolate loving pregnant lady but wow I already want more. It was very soft and the perfect amount of Granola and chocolate. It tasted fresh from the Bakery which was so nice. I can't wait to get my hands on more!
 $ .05 (single) $2.69 (multi)
☺☺☺☺☺

Secret outlast Xtend Invisible solid

 I was pretty underwhelmed by this deodorant. It was normal and nothing to special about it In my opinion. I mean it did its job but it didn't have the clean smell I like when it comes to deodorant there just wasn't any smell. But hey if you like your deodorant like that than this is your product!
$4.39
☺☺☺

Sinful Colors Nail Polish

 This came in perfect timing as my nails were starting to chip and I'd have to redo them anyway. Being a mom my hands go through alot during the day meaning my nails chip fast! This Polish is an amazing color, I only needed one coat , and a few days later it has yet to chip! Finally my nails have looked good for more than a day!
$1.99-2.99
☺☺☺☺☺

Hope you enjoyed this review! Until next time.

XO
Leah