Running..an escape from reality

Running used to be a way of life for me. I absolutely loved running,and since I played field hockey I didn't have a choice. I couldn't even count how many miles we ran during the day whether it was practice or a game. All I knew was to be on varsity I had to run a mile in under 8 minutes. So I worked hard to achieve that. Instead of running just run I used it as an escape. Just me and the road I was on. Eventually I started to do 5ks which added my other favorite thing to the loop competition. Except my competition was myself. I wasn't the best runner but I would set goals for myself to beat. Once I got out of high school I didn't run as much, but feel down I missed it. 

 Fast forward a few years and I'm married pregnant with my first daughter and I hear about a mud run. Sounds amazing! Getting muddy while running. How exciting! Except I had to push it off a year due to being pregnant. Bummer lol on a bright side more time to train once the baby got here right...wrong lol

May 2014 the night before the mud run my nerves were shot and "what was I thinking" running through my head. Of course I was 4 months post partum so my goal was just to finish. And I did! Came in dead last but was proud of myself for completing it.  I was hoping to do more races but things didn't pan out through the year. Now 10 months post partum and I completed another 5k and made it in the time I was hoping for. Oh and I wasn't last this time 😉 added bonus.  

I really hope I can keep up with running and do more races as it's an escape for me and quite relaxing. Hopefully this will also be a positive influence in my daughter (and future children) lives. 

Love and hugs 

Leah

I am 1 in 4....

Today is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness day and I thought it would be fitting to tell my story. Everyone who has lost a baby grieve differently and I know for me two years later and it hasn't  get easier 

 We weren't trying for this baby sometimes things just happen. We were outside hanging out and I remember tasting metal in my mouth. Like I just put pennies in my mouth and I joked with my husband that I was pregnant. We went into our apartment so I could drink some orange juice and research this odd taste and to our surprise it was indeed a pregnancy symptom. I didn't miss my period yet so I didn't feel like testing 

 When my husband went to work a few days later I tested and it came back positive! I was so excited. I ran out called my friend christine and got a cupcake (inside joke) and a hey your a dad card. He was just as shocked as I was. We got the what to expect when your expecting book and were so excited to start our journey. I remember feeling pains and thinking it was my body adjusting and scheduled our appt. I got my blood work done three days in a row to see if my numbers were increasing. They were slowly but the doctors chalked it up to being so early in the pregnancy. 

 July 26,2012 I was heading to jersey to try on bridesmaid dresses for my cousins wedding all while keeping my pregnancy a secret. I got to jersey told my cousin my secret and asked for prayers as I felt a little weird. I was trying on dresses crampy and just not sure what was going on. I got back to my moms house and saw what I was dreading. I rushed out of my moms called my husband and said I'll meet you at the hospital I think I'm having a miscarriage. That was the longest drive of my life.

At the hospital it was confirmed through ultrasound and blood tests there was no longer a baby. So many thoughts went through my head that day. Why did this happen to us? What did I do wrong? Will I ever have children? I may never know why that happened and why my first baby was taken away from me before I knew them. I do have comfort in knowing the baby will never feel pain or sadness and I can't wait to meet them some day 

Mommy confessions

Wow it's been a little while since I've written. I'm already slacking. Anyway today I will talk about my 5 confessions about being a mommy and some I didn't realize I even did them until today 

1) Calling Hannah by a different name. Yes sometimes I accidently call her by the dogs name guilty as charged. But other times I like to test out our future children's names on her. Someone once told me when testing out baby names to yell them and see how that feels. I don't know how true that is. So if you see me out in public and I accidently call Hannah hazel or grunka (Kyle) you'll know why. 

2) Sometimes I let Hannah get away with stuff on purpose. She thinks it's hilarious to climb the stairs she will look at me giggle and keep climbing. I only let her get to the second step before I "catch" her. Of course she thinks it's hilarious and try to climb the steps faster. I live for those giggles though. 

3) I have heard so many moms say how they have found themselves watching their kids shows and not realizing it. Yup this has happened more times than I'd like to admit. Doc mcstuffins she is a girl after my own heart and I'll leave it at that. 

4) I'm so jealous that Hannah says dada instead of mama but I'm happy at the same time. Even though I try to teach her to say mama everyday she only does when she is super upset. But, she will crawl around the house all day saying dada and you better believe when he walks in the door age gets a huge smile and looks at him and says dada. I guess it's a nice trade since I'm home with her all day. And I love that even if my husband had a bad day at work that can bring him an instant smile. 

5). This may be the worst confession. Sometimes I laugh uncontrollably when Hannah falls. Now I'm not talking about when she falls and gets hurt that would be mean. But an example; yesterday she was pushing her toy and it honestly looked like when a cartoon character slips on ice.  I couldn't stop laughing and poor Hannah is laying there trying to figure out if she should laugh or
cry. She did manage some crocodile tears though but I promise she is a-okay. 

Until next time 

Leah