Mommy Mistakes

I'm not the first to admit fault and I'm not quite sure why. Human nature? Pride? No idea but I feel like these past few weeks I've made a ton of "mommy mistakes." But  The other night at dinner I feel like was the worst. You see daddy was away for nearly 12hours, Hannah was in the midst of sleep strike meaning mommy hasnt slept in who knows how long and the dog had fleas  all that put together means mommy reached her boiling point. I was getting Hannah dinner and counting down the hours until bed time when the icing on the cake of a long day happened. Hannah was yet again refusing to eat and decided to throw dinner all over the ground. Instead of collecting my thoughts I did something I instantly regretted. Slammed my hands on the table and yelled "I'm finished."  I immediately looked at hannahs stunned look, I couldn't believe what I just did so I had to walk away and just cry. I couldn't believe I just yelled and I'm not talking a quiet yell but a yell that I'm sure my neighbors heard. How the heck did I let my emotions get so out of control? Was it lack of sleep? My PPD rearing its ugly head again? What caused me to lose myself in that instant. If you notice in each of those I never once blamed Hannah because quite frankly it's not her fault (yes she shouldn't throw food on the ground granted but that shouldn't result in my anger.). God gifted me with this beautiful stubborn strong willed little lady and boy oh boy is she strong willed but ultimately It's my job as a mom to teach her and guide and quite frankly yelling accomplishes zero except maybe makes your child be afraid of you which I don't want to do. 

  After a few moments of crying on the couch and feeling like an awful awful mom I went back over to Hannah and apologized and she forgave me, obviously she can't really verbalized it yet but the long hug she gave me did the trick. I'm hoping in the future that this won't happen again I can't make any promises but I never want to get that angry and yell that loudly at my child again. I'm sure there will still be frustrating situations and sleepless nights but I really really need to learn to step back, breath, evaluate the situation and think before I act. I'm so glad that I was given a new day and Hannah is a very forgiving girl and doesn't seem to hold a grudge. 

 In the end I'm a normal, non perfect human who is trying to navigate through this season of life. Im sure I'll make more mistakes but I'm thankful that I've been given this opportunity to be a mom and to teach Hannah how to forgive. I wish I was able to forgive as easily as she did. I'm so proud and thankful for her 

XO

Leah 

Happy Anniversary!

One year ago today I started this little journey. Never thinking anyone would actual read or care what I had to say. But you do! I wish I could give every single one of you a hug as corny at that sounds. This past year has sure been a whirlwind of life experiences that turned into blog posts. My emotions have been so raw at times that this was the perfect outlet to express that. On the other end of the spectrum there have been times that have been too funny not to share. But from the bottom of my heart thank you to each and every one of you who reads my blog. When I go on my dashboard and see the views increase I #1 can't believe it #2 am very overjoyed. So for those of you that have been here since the beginning thank you and I hope you continue reading. For those who have just joined the past few weeks or even today Welcome! And I hope you enjoy what you read! See you all Wednesday!

XO

Leah

Lose weight, wait and lose

A Picture speaks a thousand words or so they say. A few weeks back I saw a picture of myself right before I got pregnant with hannah and thought,Oh my goodness I was so tiny and yet back then I thought I was big. What was I thinking?!?! But we are our own biggest critics. I've never been one who struggled with my weight. In high school I was very athletic and maintained a healthy weight same with the first few years of marriage. But then between working the nigh shift at the hospital and depression following the lose of Sage food became my emotional outlet I guess you would say. My eating was out of control and I gained 30-40lbs in a short period. Right before I got pregnant with Hannah I got my butt in gear to lose all of that weight and I was on the right track. But thanks to pregnancy I gained a whooping 50lbs at least that's what the scale said on the day I delivered. From walking, nursing and well giving birth I was able to drop 30 of that 50 fast. But the rest has been a struggle. Honestly the first year of being a new mother between the sleep depervation and praying I was doing everything right in this season of motherhood losing weight was not on my brain's radar until I went to the doctor. One day at the doctors office I saw on my form "pregnancy complications due to obesity" what??  I didn't have any pregnancy complications and I did not think I was obese there must be something wrong. But at last due to the wonderful thing called BMI I am considered obese. What happened to that athletic girl in high school where did she go? Did life just get to her and food became the only outlet she could find? And as I look at pictures I can see that. 

  I look at pictures of myself now and I honestly think to myself that in the future I do not want to look back on a picture I took in the last few weeks and think the same thing I thought above. Oh my goodness I was skinny and thought I was big. I want to look back and think, " wow Leah, look at all the hardwork you did and how much it payed off" (as well as go to the doctors and show them that the "obese" girl is no longer here.) 

 Now I'm not saying  I'm going to lose every pound,especially since we don't own a scale anymore because the number on a scale is not a healthy obsession, but I just want to be happy and healthy. I want to wake up in the morning with confidence and just overall feel good about myself. Even if I have to wake up at 5 and get on my bike to achieve that goal. Losing weight is difficult and can be quit frustrating but, if I wait to long to lose it than my journey will end up being harder. 

XO

Leah

P.s. That picture is a picture of a girl getting her confidence back one bike ride at a time. 

Not Just A...

Yesterday I was in panic mode trying to figure out what to write. Some may think its no big deal if I miss a post but if I start slacking than I may never start blogging again and I actually enjoy it. After many ideas being suggested I think I have an idea so lets get started.
I was never that young girl who had dreams of what I wanted to be when I was older. After high school I wanted to be a police officer. I wanted to be similar to Miss Congeniality. That tough single girl who took down the bad guys, while keeping the public safe. Of course God had other plans. After working at camp I started nursing school. During school I still had zero idea of which Nursing field I wanted to work in. Labor and delivery, Peds, Nursing home no idea, but my classmates all knew and I was left like um what am I going to do when I'm out of school. During one of my rotations I met a women who was schizophrenic and oh my goodness I loved talking to this women. Oh course she called me Bobby and kept asking when we were going to "cross the river." I would watch as she would talk to people who weren't there or would have conversations with inanimate objects. That was when I knew Psych is were I would go after graduation. Thankfully,  I got married soon after graduation moved to PA and landed my first job after my very first interview at a Psych hospital not to far from my apartment. Working in the hospital was a lot harder than I thought but I knew these patients needed me. There were good times and there were bad times. There were times  my patients were super nice and we would have an easy shift. Than there were the bad times. The times where my patients would go into an episode and throw chairs clear across the unit, times when I would be attacked through my med window. Times when I was locked in my med-room until the situations were resolved. And of course the times where I had to unwrap sheets from around a patients neck or get broken glass out of someones hand before they swallowed it. Very scary times were I wasn't sure why I kept going back. But then I realized I was there because God put me there and my patients needed me. When I would do my checks I would ask each patient if they would want me to pray with them, and they did! I would pray with some of the patients before I left my shift and would share Bible stories with them. It helped them and it also helped me. When it was time for me to move on from the hospital it was rough but I knew that it was the right move and boy do I miss some of my patients. I will never forget them and everything I learned from the hospital.
 During the time in the hosiptal and even now as the Head Nurse of Handi*Camp I've learned something. I'm not just their nurse I am their friend as well. Just like the fact Im not just a mom, just a wife,  just a daughter, just a sister. I'm Leah a mother, a friend, a daughter, missionary, cousin, wife and of course  a nurse. This is not the life I envisioned for myself  but its a lot better than I thought it would be and I'm proud of all that Ive accomplished and been through. I will gladly put on my "doctor stethoscope" and make sure all my campers are safe, give out their meds, and be a hand to hold when they need it. It takes a special person to be a nurse and I am happy I get to share this sisterhood (and brotherhood) of nurses with so many amazing people. 

XO
Leah

A Grieiving Mother: Toddler Transitions

When we became pregnant with Presley we were so excited to give Hannah a sibling. Since Hannah would become the older of the children she would move into a big girl room and get her big girl bed before the new baby's arrival in December. We knew quite quickly that we wanted to move Hannah's room and transition her crib pretty soon after camp so we could work on the nursery since we would be almost half way through the pregnancy. After we lost Presley the thoughts of changing Han's room vanished and I knew that going home from camp would be hard because we had those big plans. I remember at one point walking into Hannah's nursery and just crying and grieving that I wasn't able to go through with those plans and that come December I wouldn't be putting a new baby in that room. A few weeks passed and the initial grief wave was over and than we technically lost the baby for the second time and had to get a second surgery. I was yet again worried to go home because even though it was still Presley and I grieved throughout the weeks prior I wasnt quite sure if it would sneak back up when I went into Hannahs room again. Thankfully it didn't.
  About a week ago my turbo toddler started to climb out of her crib. I knew this day would come sooner than I wanted since she climbs on everything. So after talking with Kyle it was time to convert her crib into her toddler bed. I knew she was ready and was a little confused as to why Mommy took pretty much everything out of her room except her crib. While Kyle was taking the crib a part  the emotions and the tears just started to flow unexpectedly. I honestly didn't think it would happen. I wasn't crying because of Hannah growing up. I am thrilled she is becoming a "big girl." Okay yes I am a little sad she isn't in the crib but I know she is safer in the toddler bed and she actually really likes it and Mommy likes that nap strike is over. I was crying because it took me right back to those plans we had before camp. Actually seeing the crib transitioning into a toddler bed and knowing its not because of a new baby was so hard. I haven't cried that hard since Presley passed. It was just a really hard day and as I type this my eyes are swelling up thinking about it. You would think that grief is a short process at least I did but, when its your own child some days it feels like everything makes you cry. I know that most likely when we switch her room for her second birthday and the nursery goes back to being a computer room I will probably cry then too. But just like in a post Ive written before I take the time to cry and I get back up and keep on going, keeping Presley and even Sage in the back of my mind and forefront of my heart. I still hope that eventually the nursery will become a nursery again and Hannah will get her very own baby (at least that is what she would think) but for right now we are just taking things one day at a time, all the transitions and all the tears included.

XO
Leah

A letter: To Hannah's Mother in Law

Dear Hannah's Future Mother in Law,

     I may have met you and maybe I have not. We could have grown up with each other, gone through school together, met at a summer camp, met in passing, or I may not have had the privilege of meeting you yet. But some day I will. When my beautiful Hannah grows up and falls in love and introduces me to the mother who taught her son how to love my daughter. This letter is for you.

     Mother hood is a hard journey and can seem lonely at times. I don't know where you are yet in your journey. Whether your son is getting ready for preschool, hasn't been born yet, or if you are going through the fun yet tiring start of the toddler years. But I want to thank you. I want to thank you for carrying your son for months on end whether the journey was easy or hard, and for giving him life. I want to thank you for the 2am feedings and the sleep depervation. I want to thank you for giving up going out, and hanging out with friends on the weekend because your son needed you. Thank you for the worries, and possible doctor trips for colds and of course staying up to make sure everything is okay. Thank you for allowing part of your heart to walk outside of your body. Thank you for showing this little boy how to love and for loving him unconditionally. Thank you for allowing your little baby to grow up and love my daughter. And of course thank you for loving my daughter as I love her. 

 I want you to know that not only do I pray for a wonderful God fearing boy to enter into my life and whisp my daughter away into marriage (in time, ya know when she's about 45.) but, I pray for you daily. I pray for your health, I pray for your sanity since motherhood can get crazy. I pray that wherever you are on your journey that you are placing your trust in God. I pray for you everyday, as a fellow mother and as a friend and I will continue to pray for you every day.

With love,

Leah 

 Now I get what your saying. Why in the world are you thinking about marriage when your daughter is barely two. I have heard that kids grow up fast and before I know it my almost 2 year old will be older and walking down the aisle to start her new journey. Since she was born I've prayed for the man that in time will go on the marriage journey with Hannah and I pray that he will treat her well and love the Lord just as much as I hope Hannah will. But, these past few months the mother of said son has been on my heart, and I decided to start to pray for her as well. I know that motherhood is hard and I need all the prayer I can get to make it to that wonderful time called bedtime and I'm sure she does too. Maybe one day years from now when we meet I'll show her this letter and let her know that I've been praying for not only her son but for her as well. But, until that day comes, I'll continue to pray. 

XO

Leah