What are you thankful for?

There are so many things to be thankful for this year that I can't even begin to write them all down. But one thing I am thankful for is the hard year I had. As much as stinks I am so thankful for it. 

 This time last year I was celebrating Hannahs first thanksgiving having zero idea that this year would be full of trials and tears. But I am so thankful for all I've been through. We have a blessings jar on top of our hutch ( I'll have a separate post for that later) and today I randomly dumped it out to count all the blessings we've had this year. Let me just say there were a lot! I forgot I wrote all about Presley and put that in the jar. The different heartbeat days and even the day  Pres was born into heaven. I don't remember writing them but I am so glad I did. I am so thankful that I was able to carry that very special gift for as long as I did. I'm thankful that Presley will never feel pain or sadness. I'm thankful that when he first opened his eyes the first face he saw was God's. I am so thankful God kept me safe through the whole process and that he gave me the strength to get through it. I'm glad that God makes beauty rise from the Ashes and I'm hoping he does the same for me. I'm thankful that all the times I was on my knees crying he was right there with me upset for his child hurting. I'm thankful for an amazing support system.  I'm thankful that I have two children waiting for me in heaven. I'm thankful that this is my life and the struggles are part of my testimony. And of course I'm thankful for you. Whoever you are, wherever you are you've taken the time out to read about Presley and Sage over these last few months and I'm so thankful for that. So thank you! Other than the usual, health, clothes, shelter what is something YOU are thankful for this year?

XO

Leah 

The Story of Sage Robinson

I feel like more people know what happened with Presley but not to many people know about Sage. So I thought it would be time to change that. 

  I remember the day I had the first inkling I was pregnant. Kyle and I were hanging out in our apartment and I started tasting a metal taste like pennies it was an awful taste. And we joked around that we were pregnant. After Kyle went to work I decided to test and well we were expecting. We talked about having children but not two years into being married. I was excited though so I ran to the store got a cupcake (inside joke) and a card that said "your boys can swim." Kyle got home from work and it took a little bit for him to understand what was going on but once he realized it he was overjoyed, we both were. We ran out and got the  what to expect while your expecting and I started reading right away as I was cramping and wasn't sure if it was a normal sign. 

 A few days passed and on July 26,2012 I was in New Jersey to try on my bridesmaid dress for my cousins wedding. While at my moms house I knew something was wrong and rushed out of my moms house for the long drive back to PA. On the way I called Kyle and told him I was having a miscarriage and needed to go to the hospital. I picked him up and we went. Just as I thought my doctor came in and told me we lost the baby. Let me just say this doctor had zero sympathy the whole hospital was honestly terrible hence why when we got pregnant with Hannah we switched practices right away. I remember after being discharged we went to the car and just cried. I didn't know what I did wrong, I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to have kids, so many different feelings but the one thing that rang true was that it was NOT Gods fault. And I told Kyle that I said I'm not going to blame God I'm not going try to figure this out I'm just going to trust him. And we did. Who would have thought that 9 months later around the due date of Sage I would get a positive pregnancy test that resulted in my Beautiful Hannah. Once we moved into our house I sat down and wrote a letter to Sage address to The child I'll never meet. I cried while writing it than took it to the backyard and buried it. That was quite therapeutic to me. And sometimes I look at the spot and think what Sage would have been like if she was here now. 

  Ultimatly God has a funny way of doing things and his plan will always be the best plan. I know when it comes to Sage I was embarrassed about losing her and didn't want to talk about it to anyone. It took months for me to open up. With Presley I made it a point to talk about him right away. It's a way of coping and talking about it could give hope to others. You may not be able to tell but I have three beautiful children it's just one of them is on my hip and two are in my heart.

XO

Leah

Update:

Just a quick update on life and the past few blogs. 

Paci war:  still a war, Hannah has her days of going to sleep no problem. But then she has days like last night night where it took her two hours to fall asleep. I'm not sure if it's because we just got home from jersey or because she seemed to be feeling a little sick yesterday. 

 Jake and the fleas:  do I feel like the worst furmom ever!  Took him to the vet last week since he was still itching, and I'm super paranoid, to make sure he doesn't have fleas. He is flea free! But come to find out he is allergic to flea bites hence why he is still itching. And the icing on the cake he has a few "hot spots" on his legs but the worse one was smack dab in the middle of his head. The vet had to save his poor head and he looks ridiculous 😔 but we have to do what's best for him. He is on medication for the hot spot as well as for the itching. I'm hoping he feels better soon too. 

Fleagate 2015: this has been a very very rough few weeks in the robinson house! We've treated the dog the house and nothing was working so last Wednesday I called an exterminator. We were planning on heading to jersey on Saturday for a few parties but after talking to Kyle, myself, Hannah and Jake went to jersey on Wednesday. Kyle would come on Saturday after the exterminator came. Lots of tears as I was at my wits end feeling like the absolute person in the world with all of the above happening at the same time. But, there was a lot I didn't know about these fleas and boy am I happy we called an exterminator to help. On a positive note he said it was one of the cleanest houses he's been in. He will be coming back once more next week just to make sure they are all really gone. 

Sorry for such a blah post but these past weeks,and my brain,have been a blur. Next week will get back to normal. I promise! 

XO 

Leah 

The "broken" paci

Looks like we have entered this wonderful journey of no more paci. It's a journey that all parents eventually venture into and it's wonderful. Full of smiles, and restful nights sleep, lots of hugs and thank you's from the child....yea right. Pretty much the opposite of everything I just said and we are only at day 2. Since my husband and I are geniuses we decided to start this journey on Saturday night. Unfortunately we forgot it was daylight savings. So we were already going to lose an hour of sleep and now we were going to lose even more sleep. (Note to self write daylight savings on the calendar for now on.). Now let me say i am not against the use of a paci. Each parent has their own way of doing things and has their own time frame of paci use. Hannah has really sharp teeth and one paci already broke from her biting it. So as a preventative we decided to be finished with paci's. It started that she would only have a pacifier during nap/bedtime. No longer would she have it during the day, on outings, or in the car. We did make a few exceptions to the rule though. I really wish we would have started to take it away at nap time than a few days later bedtime. But since we started at bedtime there was no looking back and we had to get rid of it all together. 

  The first night was horrible! Screaming and crying honestly I have no idea how long it took her to fall asleep because quite frankly I was crying a long with her. Already rare naptime was even more rare as she was in her room for hours with no nap. The roughest days are when Kyle isn't home for bedtime and I have to pull out all I have. So I started by giving her the broken paci, she realized it didn't feel right. I told her it was broken and she agreed to throw it away. Ive told her stories about a long time ago there was a princess who became a big girl and didn't need her paci. Hannah loves being called a big girl and I think that story helped a bit. I've also sang her to sleep which hasn't happened in a long time. 

 I get what most would say "she isn't ready for her paci to be taken away." "Your so mean" "I'd never do that to my child". But hey we're all different. Hannah only used her paci to fall asleep than wouldn't use it the rest of the night. But during that falling asleep phase she would bite it so hard it breaks. It's what's best for her. Even if she doesn't realize it right now. Sometimes being mom means I have to be "mean" and do what's best for her, she still hugs me and tells me she loves me before bedtime, before the screaming starts so she can't be too mad at me. One day we will look back on this day and laugh as Hannah becomes a mom and takes the paci away from her child. 

XO

Leah 

Sorrow and Joy

As most of you know last week did NOT go as I planned at all. Unfortunately the rough week rolled into the weekend. I love going to church with my little family, it's such a great time to get closer to God and to learn about him, if I miss a week than quite frankly, I feel like my entire week is off. Sunday Kyle had to work in the morning but would still be home in time to go to church. So while he was at work I got up and got Hannah dressed and fed so we would be ready to walk out the door. This isn't the first time that this has happened so I have it down to a science. Well Ms Hannah had other plans. While Kyle was getting ready Hannah decided she didn't want to go to church and threw a huge fit out of sheer exhaustion. Kyle and I both agreed that there was no way we would get to church. So I put Hannah down for a nap changed into some comfy clothes and sat down next to Kyle on the couch. We decided to listen to church through the Internet. Kyle wanted to listen to a different service than the church we attended so we did. 

 I was very hesitant to listen over the computer because 1) I didn't want to space out or fall asleep 2) I've never heard this pastor preach, for some reason new pastors make me nervous. Well God knew what he was doing! The pastor preached on the joy that comes from sorrow. He talked about how we can go through rough patches (he specifically mentioned miscarriage) but there will be joy that comes from it. I thought wow! This is why we missed church because God wanted me to hear this message, he knew that my heart needed to hear this. As I struggled to hide my tears from Kyle I was ,of course, in awe of Gods timing. I felt like he did this just for me to remind me that with everything I've been through Joy will come. Now I have no idea in what form the joy will come, of course I hope the joy would be to get pregnant and in the end have another healthy child but I have no idea Gods plan. I don't know if the joy will be positive reactions from this blog, or help drawing people closer to Him. I have no idea. Am I excited to find out? You bet your butt I am! And once I figure it out I'll be sure to write about it. I'll leave you with the verse that I've been leaning on these past few months and that the pastor also mentioned in his sermon. Isaiah 61:3 "and to provide for those who grieve in Zion, to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of Joy instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair..." NIV

XO

Leah

When life gets to hard to stand..

This week has been hard! My goodness how much can one person take. Let me give a little back story. I've learned time and time again that as soon as I get super close to God Satan comes in and tries to screw things up. When me and Kyle became missionaries about a month later nearly all of our savings was stolen from us. I can't remember to many details about that day but I knew it was Satan trying his hardest to get to us. Since then it has been little things here and there. Unfortunately lately, I have not been the greatest wife. I have turned to anger so easily and have turned really good days with my husband into tension filled horrible days and for that I feel awful. Kyle, if your reading this I am so so sorry for those days.  We did have a really nice talk the other day where I told Kyle that it feels like some days, some situations I have a good Angel and a bad one on each shoulder and I've gone towards the bad one since it was easier. Ya know "get mad at Kyle because his shoes were in the middle of he floor again" "get mad at Kyle because he is helping at church instead of helping you" honestly really ridiculous stuff that I am so embarrassed about. Lately, I've been trying to be a more intentional wife. I've been trying to do my daily house cleaning (even the ones I hate) with a servant attitude because I know that is something that is helpful to my husband, who by the way works his butt off outside of the house so I can be home with Hannah. 

  Any way back to this week, I've been trying my hardest to be this intentional wife, and an intentional mom and bam like right on cue satan hits. I'm doing my best to serve my husband, and daughter the best I can and I hit a brick wall where I need to make a decision. Well I chose Gods side and I'm feeling the effects of Satan. I was in urgent care a week ago with a minor issue that isn't entirely fixed, my daughter has hit the terrible twos early (and boy are they terrible) and now my dog has fleas that I just can't get rid of. On Monday everything hit hard and I truely couldn't deal with it anymore. I was not strong enough to stand so I did something I haven't done in years I kneeled. I kneeled, cried, and prayed. I prayed out loud to God because quite frankly I am not strong enough to deal with life alone. I know that God thinks I'm pretty strong...hello summer of 2015, one I'll never forget, but sometimes I realize life is to hard to stand and I have to kneel. I have to become so vulnerable and cry out that I need Gods help because I am getting hit with way to much at once. Okay now I get what most people are saying fleas, urgent care, terrible twos doesn't sound like much and the miscarriage of Presley sounds like a much worse situation. But I have to disagree since they are terrible situations in their own ways. I truely believe Presley's, even Sages, situations happened to strengthen my relationship with God, they happened to make my testimony even stronger. The urgent care, terrible twos, flea situation is an attack by Satan. I've lived through these attacks before, it's a smaller situation but it can pack a punch. But anyway, it would be so easy to fall into his temptation of getting angry at Hannah, the dog, etc but in the long run what would that do? Absolutely nothing! I needed to kneel pray and give this all to God. He is bigger than me he is bigger than Satan and I know He will help me through all this.  This whole situation has helped me and Kyle become closer and he even found a way to joke about the situation since our house has never been so clean before. It looks like we just moved in. But hey I have a good reason to rearrange the house now right. I guess in the craziest of situations you have to find the positives. But in the end when life gets to hard to stand...kneel 

XO

Leah 

I am 1 in 4 for the second time.

This day last year I wrote about Sage's story which most people didn't know about. Regarding Sage's passing, I kept it pretty hush hush I guess because I was embarrassed that I wasn't able to sustain the pregnancy and I didn't have information on why I lost her (we don't know either baby's gender but I have a feeling deep inside of the gender of each). Never in a million years did I think that a year later I would be writing about two babies. 

 I am the face of a mother who has three children except you only see me with one. I have two children who will never feel pain, sadness who already met Jesus and who are at their eternal home waiting for mommy daddy and their sister. It's exciting to know that when I get to heaven that not only will I meet God face to face but I'm going to have two children whom I never met waiting for me with open arms and eager to finally meet their mommy. 

  I don't wish the loss of a child on anyone and as horrible as an experience it is, I'm happy that it happened to me. Because I lost my two children, that is one less person in the world who will feel this heartache, one less person who will have to sit and wonder who those children would have grown up to be, one less person who will celebrate a birthday with no physical child to blow out the candles because God chose me. God chose me to carry this heartache because he knew I could handle it even at times when I don't think I can. He knew that through the tears and pain that I would continue to praise him and trust in his plan. He knew that through these two blessings I would use my testimony to bring people closer to Him. He knew that through the heartache and ashes that beauty WILL rise. He knows that as I sit here tears streaming down my face and words jumbled that at least one person needed to hear these words today. 

  Beauty will rise from this just like it has before. Hannah is my first rainbow baby, and if we have another successful pregnancy that child will too be a rainbow baby. I don't know what else God and this life has in store for me. I don't know if I will have anymore Heavenly or Earthly children but I know that I need to keep looking to God and thank him for the good times and the bad times. He chose me for a reason to carry these two children in my heart instead of holding my hand. I'm blessed to have known them, I'm blessed to be their mommy and I can't wait to meet them as I love them and miss them very much. I am 1 in 4 and I wouldn't have it any other way 

XO

Leah