December 17,2015

Tomorrow is the day I have been dreading for months. Tomorrow is December 17, 2015. To most it seems like just another day but to a grieving mother it's a day that will be full of emotions. You see December 17,2015 was Presleys due date. 

 Tomorrow I would have been 40 weeks pregnant meaning that I would be going into labor soon or would already have a newborn in my arms. But instead I lost my precious babe nearly 30 weeks ago. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about Presley or thought where I would have been in that pregnancy. 

 It's hard to be excited this time of year when I'm still grieving, I have my days of excitement for Christmas but soon they are pushed to the back of my mind with thoughts of what if I would have had a newborn as well. I will never be able to understand or comprehend why I'm not still pregnant. My doctors don't even have answers to be honest. God is the only one who knows why I'm not about to be 40 weeks pregnant. To be honest I like it that way. I don't think I'd be able to handle knowing the truth as to why I only got to spend nearly 10 weeks with my baby. But as I have said before and ill say it until my last breath Gods got a plan. I don't know that plan but maybe as it starts to unfold I'll understand. Well I hope I'll understand. 

  I've been asked if I plan on doing anything to remember Presley and the answer is yes. I'm hoping soon to build up the courage to visit their grave but until then I plan on doing what I did for Sage. Writing them a letter and I will bury it in the back yard. I'm hoping to get some sort of solar light for the spot where both letters are so when it's dark out I can look back there and think of my babies. 

 So may I ask for one thing in return from all who have read this. Please think about myself and my family tomorrow as it will be a difficult day. A day that has been long coming and a day I have been dreading. I'm thankful that I'll be in New Jersey and hopefully keep my mind off of things but no matter what that thought will still be in my mind. 

we still would appreciate all the thoughts and prayers we could get. Thank you 

XO

Leah

Instant Love and PPD

I was looking at Hannah the other day and thought how much I absolutely love this little girl. But unfortunatly it hasn't always been like that. 

 When I was pregnant with Hannah I kept hearing these stories that upon first glance of your baby you would fall in so much love with them. I hate to admit it but I didn't get that feeling. I loved her of course and I was so happy to finally hold her in my arms but I didn't get that fuzzy feeling that I read so much about. I honestly didn't get that fuzzy feeling until she was about 16months old. Thank you to post partum depression. Honestly this post is not an easy one to right but for those 16 months I felt like I was just babysitting. Let me reiderate the fact that I did love my daughter and I would do anything to protect her and keep her safe but I didn't have that mother daughter bond. Those months were so odd and I couldn't figure out for the life of me why I felt the way I felt. I realized that my "baby blues" weren't the first two weeks after birth but it lasted for months and became even worse once our breast feeding journey abruptly stopped at 4 months. I finally went to the doctor and was diagnosed with PPD almost a year and a half after she was born. I felt like I failed at being a mother. How did I let this go on for so long and have no idea! After talking to the doctor I was prescribed medication. It helped but I also turned to my faith as that needed to be first. It was a frustrating few months after being diagnosed but I started to feel like myself again and I was finally getting that fuzzy feeling every single time I looked at Hannah. And I still do!  I am absolutely 100% in love with this little girl. She is amazing and so smart and I am so glad she is mine! I'm blessed to be her mommy. I've learned that PPD is no joke and it's a hard journey but now if I'm blessed with more babies I'll know to let me doctor know so I can get help right away instead of waiting so long. 

XO

Leah 

What's in a name...

Yup had to go all Shakespeare for a second. I've been thinking a lot about my babies names and how they each have a unique story so I thought I would share. 

 When we found out we were pregnant with Sage we honestly didn't have enough time to bounce around names before we lost her. We lost her in 2012 and she didn't have a name until 2015. More on the later. 

 Hannah was actually pretty easy. Right before we found out we were pregnant I played Hannah at a bible club and realized I loved that name. Elizabeth just fit as a middle name. Of course we had zero idea that her initials would of course be HER. Whoops. Of course if she turned out to be a he she would have been Jude Matthew. But Kyle says now if we ever have a boy his initials have to be SIR so we will see about that. 

 Presley we honestly didn't talk names at all. He didn't have a set name for girl or boy and just like with Sage we were unable to find out the gender. Since we lost Pres at the beginning of camp and I still had 6 weeks until I could go home I had an amazing camp support system who let me have a ton of time alone. One of my alone times I was thinking about my baby and it bugged me how he and my 2012 baby didn't have names. I read a story (I think it was the Heaven is for real book but don't quote me) about how a boy went to Heaven and met his older sister who didn't have a name. That got me and I wanted my children to have names even if I never met them or knew their gender. I started to look at unisex names and their meanings as I love the meaning of names more so than the actually name sometimes. Sage means "the wise one" and I just loved that. I pray that my baby would be wise and I'm sure she is!  Presley means priests meadow but what I thought was pretty cool was its derived from the word preost meaning priest and Leah meaning wood. So of course my baby had to be named Presley. And in case your wondering Hannah means favor or grace. 

 I was happy that there were a ton of nice unisex names and quite honestly I think it's a huge responsibility to give another human a name. I'm hoping God will bless us with more children as I have some new favorite girl and boy names but  I'll keep those to myself for now. 

XO

Leah

What are you thankful for?

There are so many things to be thankful for this year that I can't even begin to write them all down. But one thing I am thankful for is the hard year I had. As much as stinks I am so thankful for it. 

 This time last year I was celebrating Hannahs first thanksgiving having zero idea that this year would be full of trials and tears. But I am so thankful for all I've been through. We have a blessings jar on top of our hutch ( I'll have a separate post for that later) and today I randomly dumped it out to count all the blessings we've had this year. Let me just say there were a lot! I forgot I wrote all about Presley and put that in the jar. The different heartbeat days and even the day  Pres was born into heaven. I don't remember writing them but I am so glad I did. I am so thankful that I was able to carry that very special gift for as long as I did. I'm thankful that Presley will never feel pain or sadness. I'm thankful that when he first opened his eyes the first face he saw was God's. I am so thankful God kept me safe through the whole process and that he gave me the strength to get through it. I'm glad that God makes beauty rise from the Ashes and I'm hoping he does the same for me. I'm thankful that all the times I was on my knees crying he was right there with me upset for his child hurting. I'm thankful for an amazing support system.  I'm thankful that I have two children waiting for me in heaven. I'm thankful that this is my life and the struggles are part of my testimony. And of course I'm thankful for you. Whoever you are, wherever you are you've taken the time out to read about Presley and Sage over these last few months and I'm so thankful for that. So thank you! Other than the usual, health, clothes, shelter what is something YOU are thankful for this year?

XO

Leah 

The Story of Sage Robinson

I feel like more people know what happened with Presley but not to many people know about Sage. So I thought it would be time to change that. 

  I remember the day I had the first inkling I was pregnant. Kyle and I were hanging out in our apartment and I started tasting a metal taste like pennies it was an awful taste. And we joked around that we were pregnant. After Kyle went to work I decided to test and well we were expecting. We talked about having children but not two years into being married. I was excited though so I ran to the store got a cupcake (inside joke) and a card that said "your boys can swim." Kyle got home from work and it took a little bit for him to understand what was going on but once he realized it he was overjoyed, we both were. We ran out and got the  what to expect while your expecting and I started reading right away as I was cramping and wasn't sure if it was a normal sign. 

 A few days passed and on July 26,2012 I was in New Jersey to try on my bridesmaid dress for my cousins wedding. While at my moms house I knew something was wrong and rushed out of my moms house for the long drive back to PA. On the way I called Kyle and told him I was having a miscarriage and needed to go to the hospital. I picked him up and we went. Just as I thought my doctor came in and told me we lost the baby. Let me just say this doctor had zero sympathy the whole hospital was honestly terrible hence why when we got pregnant with Hannah we switched practices right away. I remember after being discharged we went to the car and just cried. I didn't know what I did wrong, I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to have kids, so many different feelings but the one thing that rang true was that it was NOT Gods fault. And I told Kyle that I said I'm not going to blame God I'm not going try to figure this out I'm just going to trust him. And we did. Who would have thought that 9 months later around the due date of Sage I would get a positive pregnancy test that resulted in my Beautiful Hannah. Once we moved into our house I sat down and wrote a letter to Sage address to The child I'll never meet. I cried while writing it than took it to the backyard and buried it. That was quite therapeutic to me. And sometimes I look at the spot and think what Sage would have been like if she was here now. 

  Ultimatly God has a funny way of doing things and his plan will always be the best plan. I know when it comes to Sage I was embarrassed about losing her and didn't want to talk about it to anyone. It took months for me to open up. With Presley I made it a point to talk about him right away. It's a way of coping and talking about it could give hope to others. You may not be able to tell but I have three beautiful children it's just one of them is on my hip and two are in my heart.

XO

Leah

Update:

Just a quick update on life and the past few blogs. 

Paci war:  still a war, Hannah has her days of going to sleep no problem. But then she has days like last night night where it took her two hours to fall asleep. I'm not sure if it's because we just got home from jersey or because she seemed to be feeling a little sick yesterday. 

 Jake and the fleas:  do I feel like the worst furmom ever!  Took him to the vet last week since he was still itching, and I'm super paranoid, to make sure he doesn't have fleas. He is flea free! But come to find out he is allergic to flea bites hence why he is still itching. And the icing on the cake he has a few "hot spots" on his legs but the worse one was smack dab in the middle of his head. The vet had to save his poor head and he looks ridiculous 😔 but we have to do what's best for him. He is on medication for the hot spot as well as for the itching. I'm hoping he feels better soon too. 

Fleagate 2015: this has been a very very rough few weeks in the robinson house! We've treated the dog the house and nothing was working so last Wednesday I called an exterminator. We were planning on heading to jersey on Saturday for a few parties but after talking to Kyle, myself, Hannah and Jake went to jersey on Wednesday. Kyle would come on Saturday after the exterminator came. Lots of tears as I was at my wits end feeling like the absolute person in the world with all of the above happening at the same time. But, there was a lot I didn't know about these fleas and boy am I happy we called an exterminator to help. On a positive note he said it was one of the cleanest houses he's been in. He will be coming back once more next week just to make sure they are all really gone. 

Sorry for such a blah post but these past weeks,and my brain,have been a blur. Next week will get back to normal. I promise! 

XO 

Leah 

The "broken" paci

Looks like we have entered this wonderful journey of no more paci. It's a journey that all parents eventually venture into and it's wonderful. Full of smiles, and restful nights sleep, lots of hugs and thank you's from the child....yea right. Pretty much the opposite of everything I just said and we are only at day 2. Since my husband and I are geniuses we decided to start this journey on Saturday night. Unfortunately we forgot it was daylight savings. So we were already going to lose an hour of sleep and now we were going to lose even more sleep. (Note to self write daylight savings on the calendar for now on.). Now let me say i am not against the use of a paci. Each parent has their own way of doing things and has their own time frame of paci use. Hannah has really sharp teeth and one paci already broke from her biting it. So as a preventative we decided to be finished with paci's. It started that she would only have a pacifier during nap/bedtime. No longer would she have it during the day, on outings, or in the car. We did make a few exceptions to the rule though. I really wish we would have started to take it away at nap time than a few days later bedtime. But since we started at bedtime there was no looking back and we had to get rid of it all together. 

  The first night was horrible! Screaming and crying honestly I have no idea how long it took her to fall asleep because quite frankly I was crying a long with her. Already rare naptime was even more rare as she was in her room for hours with no nap. The roughest days are when Kyle isn't home for bedtime and I have to pull out all I have. So I started by giving her the broken paci, she realized it didn't feel right. I told her it was broken and she agreed to throw it away. Ive told her stories about a long time ago there was a princess who became a big girl and didn't need her paci. Hannah loves being called a big girl and I think that story helped a bit. I've also sang her to sleep which hasn't happened in a long time. 

 I get what most would say "she isn't ready for her paci to be taken away." "Your so mean" "I'd never do that to my child". But hey we're all different. Hannah only used her paci to fall asleep than wouldn't use it the rest of the night. But during that falling asleep phase she would bite it so hard it breaks. It's what's best for her. Even if she doesn't realize it right now. Sometimes being mom means I have to be "mean" and do what's best for her, she still hugs me and tells me she loves me before bedtime, before the screaming starts so she can't be too mad at me. One day we will look back on this day and laugh as Hannah becomes a mom and takes the paci away from her child. 

XO

Leah