Do I still look at my husband...

...the same way I did when we got married?
 The other day my pregnant self thought it would be a good idea to pop in our wedding video and reminisce on that amazing day 5 years ago. As I got to our first dance I saw the way I looked at my new husband and thought do I still look at him the same way? Do I still look at him with googly eyes, while getting butterflies in my stomach? Do I still hang onto every word he says, and look at him as if he my high-school crush that I'm too nervous to talk to? The simple truth is no. No I do not look at my husband the same way I did when we first got married. And to be honest I'm not ashamed of that either.
 Through these 5 years we've been through a lot, from living together, to buying a house, to going through 4 pregnancies and lord willingly will be welcoming our second child soon. We've fought, we've cried, we've learned, and we've grown up. The way I look at my husband now isn't with those first love googly eyes. I look at my husband in amazement and with so much respect. He stuck by my side through so much, he's never given up on our family, works so hard to provide for our family and overall is just an amazing guy. I couldn't imagine doing this whole life thing with anyone else.  So yes I do look at my husband differently now, but my love for him is still as strong (or possibly even stronger) as the day we got married. That's really all that matters.

XO
Leah

One Year Ago Today....

One year ago I was so excited as a wife and as a mother. One year ago today we announced that we were expecting our second child to be born in December. We were thrilled to share our news and had hopes and dreams for this baby (later to be named Presley) The best part, Hannah and Presley would be excatly 2 years apart just like what our "plan" was.
 Unfortunatly sometimes our plan isn't The plan and if you've followed our journey you know what happens a week later. I knew this day was coming up and I knew it would be hard but I am so thankful to be pregnant now and entering my 31st week.  I will never understand God's plan fully, and I'm not meant to but in the good times and bad times I just need to trust Him and lean on Him. Which is what I'm trying to do through this whole process. Yes I have a beautiful daughter, and yes I'm currently pregnant but grieving the loss of a child doesn't just go away with a new pregnancy. This Pregnancy will never take the place of Presley just like how Hannah and her pregnancy never replaced Sage. Time heals all and I know in time these days will get easier. Plus having an amazing support system helps too.
I absolutely love all my children, Sage my first love heaven born, Hannah my wild earthside child, Presley born straight into Jesus's arms, and Boom boom my kickboxing still cooking. As upset as I am that after we shared our news about Presley, he/she passed away. And the fact that December came and I wasn't holding a newborn I'm grateful that I was able to carry that child for as long as I did. And I am even more grateful that God is currently giving me another chance with Boom boom.  There  is so much more I want to say but honestly I'm having a hard time. So I'll close out with this, sometimes our Plan A,B,C do not work out but Plan G, God's Plan always will.

XO
Leah.

Dear 130am

Have you ever reached that point in life where you just want to throw up your hands and say "I'm done" and just hide under the covers. Well I'm currently at that point. You see it has been a week since I've gotten a "good" nights sleep and it has nothing to do with the aches and pains of pregnancy.  I can deal with those hip pains, kickboxing in the wee hours of the morning. No this sleep strike is caused by none other than an awful cough that I just can't seem to shake. I know I know in hindsight it's preparing me for the sleepless nights of camp, and the newborn stage but wouldn't that mean that sleeping now should be important since in a few weeks it will be non existent?
  Staring at the clock and seeing all hours of the night, until I literally pass out than am woken with yet another cough attack, has given me plenty of time to really evaluate things and just talk to God. It can get so hard to admit failure in any aspect of life and maybe it's pregnancy hormones, or my new friend sleep deprivation but I feel like I've been failing or to put in a nicer term overall lacking in my responsibilities. I swear whoever reads this blog probably thinks I'm the worst mom and wife ever, but it's better to express your feelings no matter how many times the same feelings come up than keep them in.
 Anyway during one of my 130 sessions (lol) I looked back on the last few weeks and thought about three important aspects of life. God, family, household. I thought about when the last time I really dug into God's word and talked to him in a different manner than just prayer before bedtime and honestly I couldn't come up with an answer. Now that is just terrible! God gave me this amazing life I'm living I should never let the busyness of it get in the way of drawing closer to Him. But I have, and that is just sad especially with the chaos of life about to hit 100 in the next few weeks.
 Next family, now I have to admit I have been trying to be more intentional in my marriage and as a mother and some days are better than others. But  (with the exception of being sick and nearly quarantined) I've been trying to be more present for Hannah and Kyle. I hope they are seeing it and there is always room for improvement. It's weird though as I was looking through wedding pictures I saw the way I looked at my new husband and I thought to myself do I still look at him that way 5 years later?...that will be a new blog post so be on the look out
 Household. So I've never been the best cleaner as kyle says I'm a pack rat which is true I have a hard time throwing things away, hence why I still have a bag of old high school t-shirts. But I will admit when I was nesting I got a lot done and I'm hoping that will come back instead of the current neglect my house and chores are facing. I want to be able to keep a clean organized house but it feels like as soon as it's clean and organized tornado toddler comes through. I just need to figure out a schedule that works and stick to it no matter what since the schedule I have currently just isn't cutting it. I know that no matter what once the new baby gets here it will take some to get back into a routine so hopefully my house will be spotless before I leave for camp. Ambitions right!  With three weeks to go until we leave I need to get my butt in gear.

XO
Leah

Bloom Voxbox

I was so excited to recieve this box since it was a surprise box and I had no idea what would be in beforehand. So far this has been my favorite to date. The way ill review is a brief summary, the price of eacjh product and than a happy face scale of hpw satifised i was 1 being not so much and 5 being extremely that ill buy thr product. So let's get started.
 Cute Advanced revival Nail Polish pads. 

Good bye liquid remover! These nail Polish pads were amazing and one pad removed all the nail Polish off my fingers and probably my toes ( if I could reach them.) There was no harsh smell and no mess! The best part they aren't that expensive either!
$ 1.49-3.99
I give this product ☺☺☺☺☺

Not Your Mother's Plump For Joy

 I have tried Not your mother's products before and always loved them so I wasn't surprised when this product worked so well! My hair is confused where it's not curly, not straight no wavy, it's all of the above. But one thing my hair does lack is lift especially at the roots and this added some body and shine which is what I like
$3.00 (2oz) 7.00 (8oz)
☺☺☺☺☺

Nuxe Hulle prodigies multi purpose dry oil 

Other than Argan oil I have never used oil in my hair and never have I used it on my body so I was hesitant. I feel like oil makes my hair look more greasy than shiny, and with sensitive pregnancy skin I wasn't a fan of the way it made me feel.
$ 29.00 (50ml) $45.00 (100ml)
☺☺☺

Sunbelt Bakery Granola Bar

 Delicious! Holy moly this was so good and I'm not just saying that because I'm a chocolate loving pregnant lady but wow I already want more. It was very soft and the perfect amount of Granola and chocolate. It tasted fresh from the Bakery which was so nice. I can't wait to get my hands on more!
 $ .05 (single) $2.69 (multi)
☺☺☺☺☺

Secret outlast Xtend Invisible solid

 I was pretty underwhelmed by this deodorant. It was normal and nothing to special about it In my opinion. I mean it did its job but it didn't have the clean smell I like when it comes to deodorant there just wasn't any smell. But hey if you like your deodorant like that than this is your product!
$4.39
☺☺☺

Sinful Colors Nail Polish

 This came in perfect timing as my nails were starting to chip and I'd have to redo them anyway. Being a mom my hands go through alot during the day meaning my nails chip fast! This Polish is an amazing color, I only needed one coat , and a few days later it has yet to chip! Finally my nails have looked good for more than a day!
$1.99-2.99
☺☺☺☺☺

Hope you enjoyed this review! Until next time.

XO
Leah

What are you having.....

A baby!  At this point and time we have no idea if boom boom (what we call the baby, actually hannah gave the baby his/her nickname) is a boy or a girl, and we won't know until boomer makes an entrance.
 People have asked me if I have a feeling what boom boom is. And I can honestly say I have no idea anymore. This pregnancy is the exact opposite of Hannahs. I'll be 27 weeks on Friday and I'm still sick unfortunately, with hannah I was finished at 10 weeks, cravings are different, heartbeats are similar, favorite hangout spot is similar. So as far as old wives tales go it's pretty even
 With hannah I knew she was a girl and found out I was right a little over 20 weeks. With this baby I could have sworn that I'm carrying a boy. I would bet my house this is a boy. But as the weeks go on  my feelings of boy have gone away and I just do not know. I did confess to kyle that in all honestly I do not think I can carry boys. I know it sounds ridiculous but I swore Presley was a boy and ultimately we lost that baby. So in my mind I can only carry girls since I carried and delivered hannah.
 Whatever Gender this baby is I'm so excited either way and I can not wait to meet this little one. As the pregnancy goes on I do go back and forth with calling the baby a he one day and a she the next since I do not like the term "it" but I have no idea who excatly this person is.  It's funny though, with hannah I had to know her gender I was going crazy until I found out. With this baby I'm okay with not knowing. The suprise is quite exciting, and it's a blind date I'm actually excited for.
 Now only 13 or so more weeks until we hear "It's a..." ugh I can not wait!

XO
Leah

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

Some days I feel like I am so full of excuses I need to literally shake myself. Excuses for everything, I'm too tired, I'm pregnant, I don't feel well. But what it comes down to is the fact these excuses don't hurt me, they hurt my family.
 To say the least some days I feel like a failure. I feel like a failure as a mother, and a wife. Everynight i go to bed thinking tomorrow will be different and it never is. And I honestly need to snap myself out of whatever funk I'm in because I'm getting annoyed with myself.
Towards Hannah, I have not been the mother she deserves. Unfortunatly I have made this stupid device that's in my hand 24/7 more important than my daughter. Like really Leah! Why do I care so much about what's going on in other people's lives when I should be focusing on my own. I should be playing more and reading more with her (even though if I read Goodnight moon one more time I may go crazy) she's only going to be this little once and I need to be a mother who is present, and I'm going to try to do that more. I owe it to her. I'm the only mother she will ever have and I want to be the best one at that.
 Towards my husband, I have not been the loving wife I should be. He works hard outside of the house all day so that I can be home with hannah. And I shouldn't take that for granted. He should come home to a clean house and a hot meal (even though I'm not the greatest cook I should still try) I'll admit it, I take his niceness for granted and that is just awful. We're a team and I need to start acting like it. Now these past few weeks Have been hard with him being sick, hannahs surgery, and now I'm actually sick but I can still try my hardest to keep things in order. I really should figure out his love language and make that a priority. Even though he never reads my blog (ahem ahem lol) I do promise to work harder around the house and quite frankly be the wife he deserves
 I got this shirt "proverbs 31 wifey" I think a year ago or so. And when I pulled it out of the drawer to see if it would fit everything kinda clicked and made me want to get this all out in the open. Now I know some people do not like the wife described in Proverbs 31. But to be honest I need to strive to be like her. I need to provide for my family's needs, by speaking wisdom and truth instead of hurtful and gossip. Provide food, and do my housework even if it means getting up before everyone else. I need to ultimately make my family a priority instead of materialistic things. I'm ashamed of the mom and wife I am now, but there's time to turn things around and be the person I truly desire to be. And you better believe I'm going to work hard to become her and stay that way!  I'm thankful that I'm figuring this all out know and not later in life

XO
Leah

Sun sets on one day, and rises the next.

This past weekend I was able to go to our mid winter retreat with some of our bible conference guests from camp. (Thats why I didn't write last week since I was prepping for that.) As we got closer to leaving I was hit with the revelation that I was going back to the camp where I lost Presley. I was nervous (thankfully we were at their retreat facility instead of main camp) but, just being there brought back so many emotions and I'm going to be honest I was worried  that I would come home not pregnant again.
 The first night there I had a few minutes to sit outside and just stare at the stars. I remembered how I did that when I finally had a few free moments at camp after I learned that my dear Presley was born into Heaven. But this time everything felt different, the night sky was no doubt beautiful, but I wasn't crying out with a broken heart. This time I was praising God for the little one who was kicking from within.  Same stars different circumstances.
 The next morning as I was getting ready for my early med rounds I noticed how absolutely breathtaking the sun was as it was rising. It made me think how the sun setting and rising feels a lot like this past year. When we lost presley there wasn't much sun that week it was quite gloomy and looked how I felt. But no matter how it looked there, the sun still set every night and rose every day. To me, the sun setting always indicted the day coming to close and a sun rise is the start of a brand new day and a clean slate. This new baby is my sun rise. A new start, a beautiful beginning. When I snapped the picture of the sky this weekend I couldn't believe how different the two pictures were and how they showed excatly how I felt/feel.  I love how God can paint the sky to reflect how we feel and how always on point He is.
 I know this summer when I'm back at camp it may be rough again but I know I need to look to God and look towards the sky to see what beautiful painting he painted for me that day.

XO
Leah