Sun sets on one day, and rises the next.

This past weekend I was able to go to our mid winter retreat with some of our bible conference guests from camp. (Thats why I didn't write last week since I was prepping for that.) As we got closer to leaving I was hit with the revelation that I was going back to the camp where I lost Presley. I was nervous (thankfully we were at their retreat facility instead of main camp) but, just being there brought back so many emotions and I'm going to be honest I was worried  that I would come home not pregnant again.
 The first night there I had a few minutes to sit outside and just stare at the stars. I remembered how I did that when I finally had a few free moments at camp after I learned that my dear Presley was born into Heaven. But this time everything felt different, the night sky was no doubt beautiful, but I wasn't crying out with a broken heart. This time I was praising God for the little one who was kicking from within.  Same stars different circumstances.
 The next morning as I was getting ready for my early med rounds I noticed how absolutely breathtaking the sun was as it was rising. It made me think how the sun setting and rising feels a lot like this past year. When we lost presley there wasn't much sun that week it was quite gloomy and looked how I felt. But no matter how it looked there, the sun still set every night and rose every day. To me, the sun setting always indicted the day coming to close and a sun rise is the start of a brand new day and a clean slate. This new baby is my sun rise. A new start, a beautiful beginning. When I snapped the picture of the sky this weekend I couldn't believe how different the two pictures were and how they showed excatly how I felt/feel.  I love how God can paint the sky to reflect how we feel and how always on point He is.
 I know this summer when I'm back at camp it may be rough again but I know I need to look to God and look towards the sky to see what beautiful painting he painted for me that day.

XO
Leah

Happy Birthday?

So this past Monday was my birthday. Yay for 27 years on earth! All day I received various messages of well happy birthdayness (i know it's not a real word) Anyway I started thinking what did I do to receive all these lovely greetings. Um nothing I just entered the world when my mom told me to lol. I didn't do any of the work. But do you know who did. My beautiful mother. She is the one whom carried me for nine months. She's the one who protected, sheltered, and fed me for those months. She's the one who endured the beauty (yet painful at times) of all of my wiggles and kicks. She was the one who had to change her wardrobe in order to accommodate "my home," and the fact she could no longer fit in a church pew. Than ultimately had major surgery to bring me into the world. What did I do during all of that...? Absolutely nothing lol so why are people wishing me the happy birthday and not my mom.

 I get that there is a general mothers day but I think that moms should be celebrated on the days they give birth too. Maybe since I'm a mom now and know just how beautiful and hard pregnancy is, and when hannahs birthday comes around I remember everything leading up to her delivery. Who knows. But I just want to say (even though I was her third child) Happy belated Motherhood (not birthday) day to my amazing mom who sacrificed so much so I could be here today! I love you mom!

XO

Leah

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

Wow is it Saturday yet?  This has been one crazy week and really opened up my eyes to how not truthful and hurtful people can be. Two instances where I was lied to this week but two people I trusted. I know I know maybe it's because I'm pregnant I'm just more sensitive but none the less it's never nice to be lied to.
 First situation involved my unborn baby. I had the big ultrasound last week where they check the anatomy of the baby and make sure everything looks good. It's pretty much the ladst time I will see the baby until he/she will be born. Since this baby is a tad stubborn the tech couldn't get the best pictures of the heart. I get it and I'll probably have to go back for a second ultrasound no big deal. Well I get a call from my nurse saying that on my report they couldn't visualize the heart very well (knew that) but since the tech made me walk around,change positions and go to the bathroom and still couldn't see they would refer me to a specialist. Um what?!?! That never happened. I told my nurse he lied on the report because none of that happened. After a super long emotional day (and an extra free ultrasound) baby's heart looks perfect and the new tech could see everything. Why in the world did the guy lie causing a pregnant woman more stress and more worry! I'll never know but I'm glad my doctors and head of radiology are on my side and handled the situation
 Second situation. As cliche as it is I have a hard time making "real life" friends. Maybe it's because I'm socially awkward who knows. Anyway with each pregnancy I've found myself in social media groups with other moms due around the same time. Each woman is amazing and unique and it's always cool to share our stories and different life viewpoints if that makes sense. Anyway I'm in a new group obviously due in July. There are some girls I've grown super close to because of similar life situations. This morning I found out that one of the woman whom I've developed a friendship with isn't excatly who she said she was. I was shocked when I figured this out (I'm not going to go into detail) but my feelings were extremely hurt. I know people can be anything they want behind a computer screen, heck I'm writing this from my private yacht heading to the Bahamas ;) or from my living watching my two year refuse to keep pants on. I felt quite betrayed and just upset. Maybe I shouldn't trust people as easily as I have.
 In the end I feel like no matter what people will still hurt others with their words (and actions.) I mean this isn't the first time I've been lied to and I'm sure it won't be the last. But to the two people whom had  pretty big lies this week I wish them each the best and I could only hope they learn from both situations

XO
Leah

I hate anxiety...

There I said it outloud. I absolutely positively hate hate anxiety. And after yesterday I hate it even more
 Let's go back a few years to when my anxiety really picked up. To my knowledge I never had any issues with anxiety. Everything was great and  I was just living my life until one awful night when I was at camp. Early in the morning we had a terrible storm which knocked out power, destroyed things, and knocked down many trees including one that almost crushed the cottage  I was staying in with kyle. That night haunts me still even though it was nearly 3 years ago ( i was pregnant with hannah when that storm hit.)
 Since that night anytime I hear a storm is coming I break out in cold sweats, I pace, and  honestly I can't function. March of 2015 I finally went to the doctors for unrelated reasons and I was finally diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder also known as PTSD. I was shocked. I honestly didn't realize that I could be diagnosed with that but ultimately my symptoms matched up and I had to face reality. That storm had impacted me more than i thought. I was put on medication which was starting to help but unfortunatly lost presley while I was on them. Ultimately I stopped taking the  medication and haven't started again (especially since I'm pregnant again.)
 Yesterday's storm felt almost identical to the first storm except we had more warning. I started checking my radars so that I would be prepared. Figured out a plan incase a tornado was to hit. Once the thunder started I started to worry and unfortunatly pace looking out the windows to see if I could see anything coming. Than around 7pm lightening, Thunder,and our power went out at the same time. Anxiety sky rocketed and I honestly thought yup this is how it ends. I told kyle to go upstairs and get hannah and just like that I get a tornado warning on my phone. Just what an anxiety filled person needs. I could see the wind picking up outside and my sweet sweet husband got me away from the window to get my mind off of what was going on outside.
 Thankfully, no tornado touchdown near us. And other than a flooded basement we were safe. As soon as I knew the storms were passed I went straight to bed since one of those attacks really take things out of me. I am so hoping one day I can put all of this behind me and enjoy the weather like I used to. Once the storms are passed I get so mad at myself for how I reacted and how I can't control anything.
 Anxiety is no joke. I'm positive I will get through this, but until then I just need to pray and breath

XO
Leah

19 weeks update

How far along? 19 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: zero

Maternity Clothes: yup no shame

Stretch marks? Nothing new

Sleep: eh

Best moment this week: feeling the baby move

Movement: yes depends on the day

Food cravings: cranberry juice

Anything making you queasy or sick? Dairy sweets

Have you started to show yet: some days I just look fat...today

Labor Signs:  no

Belly Button in or out? Still trifecta

Wedding rings on or off? On

Happy or Moody most of the time: emotional

Looking forward to: seeing the boom boom next week

Permanent member of the time out club.

I remember when I was pregnant seeing kids in movies go into these full blown tantrums and thinking oh that will never be my child. Or the children in the grocery store who screams at the top of their lungs and thinking the same. If only I could go back in time to that sweet sweet naive Leah and laugh because she obviously didn't know just how strong willed (and stubborn)her precious baby girl would be.
 After camp this past summer we started the inevitable time out chair. Hannah had just a little too much freedom and well in a sense needed to be reminded who was boss. (Even though we all know pretty much toddlers are the boss of the house lol) thankfully it worked! She would be bad, sit in the time out chair, say sorry and problem was fixed she didn't do it again. As she started to get older she knew and would walk herself over to the chair herself flip out and be good to go. We of course had to adapt to situations since everywhere we go there isn't a timeout chair but, she learned quickly she can be put in timeout no matter where we are.
  She has been time out free for what felt like days!  That is until the start of this week. For some reason I feel like her little butt is glued to that chair! Why? Full blown temper tantrums. Yes the ones where the kid throws him or herself to the ground and flail their body around. Those tantrums that I just stand there and think "how the heck does that make you feel better" "what exactly does that accomplish." I honestly think there's that specific kind of temper tantrum button in her brain and when she's old enough it gets pushed  (yes I've seen the movie inside out) because unless Mickey is doing something I don't know about I have no idea how she learned this.
 Currently it's 8:10 and she's already thrown one temper tantrum that resulted in time out. I know this is a stage and she is just seeing how far she can get. Even though this particular stage is so frustrating my biggest thing is to not let her see me get frustrated. It's happened before and the results helped no one. But I've found if I stay calm, get down to her level and we talk it helps a ton and she realizes quickly how ridiculous whatever she was throwing a fit over is. The terrible twos are rough but I know I'll miss how tiny she is so I'll take it all in now because in a blink of an eye she will be older and we will laugh at all of this.
 So if anyone knows where to get an I'm a permanent member of the timeout club shirt let me know! I think she will get a lot of use out of it in the months to come. And another thing. Sometimes you just have to laugh at what resulted in a temper tantrum (usually involves jake not giving hannah a hug back)

 the picture is from Hannahs very first Timeout. 

XO

Leah

Positivity>Negativity

The Internet can be a great place to keep in touch with friends, search for crafty ideas, and of course shop among many other things. Confession: being a stay at home mom sometimes I tend to go on the Internet (more than i like to admit) to interact with people my age since conversation with a 2year old all could drive a person crazy. Lately though when I've been on the Internet I have noticed so much negativity. Like way to much to handle. From Beyoncé's superbowl preformance, to old teachers being arrested, to the drug epidemic, and just wow. Everyday I get on to update some of my fellow moms on my pregnancy and the first thing I see is something negative on my news feed. I've had to unfriend/unfollow so many people this week and I totally get that everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I'm not a fan of putting a person down. We each live our own lives and quite frankly make our own mistakes. There are so many things people do that I do not agree with but I'm not going to go around telling them they are a lesser person than me. Everyone was raised differently, so not everyone shares the same views on subjects.
 Sorry for the rant back to the topic. Over the next few months with camp quickly approaching and being pregnant my stress level is starting to rise. And seeing such negativity is not helping at all. We are all God's children red, yellow, black, and white, male, and female. And we were all made perfect by Him. Instead of sharing all these negativity stories essentially putting individuals down that we may or may not even know how about we start lifting people up and sharing some positivity. I know that I need a break from the Internet  (maybe not pinterest since you know I'm pregnant haha) and I know that no matter what these stories will still be shared but, I also know that I'm the one who controls my social media accounts. So if by chance I unfriend/unfollow you I'm sorry but I don't need these stories popping up on my feed when I log in. So let's share something positive today instead of something negative!

XO
Leah