Not Just A...

Yesterday I was in panic mode trying to figure out what to write. Some may think its no big deal if I miss a post but if I start slacking than I may never start blogging again and I actually enjoy it. After many ideas being suggested I think I have an idea so lets get started.
I was never that young girl who had dreams of what I wanted to be when I was older. After high school I wanted to be a police officer. I wanted to be similar to Miss Congeniality. That tough single girl who took down the bad guys, while keeping the public safe. Of course God had other plans. After working at camp I started nursing school. During school I still had zero idea of which Nursing field I wanted to work in. Labor and delivery, Peds, Nursing home no idea, but my classmates all knew and I was left like um what am I going to do when I'm out of school. During one of my rotations I met a women who was schizophrenic and oh my goodness I loved talking to this women. Oh course she called me Bobby and kept asking when we were going to "cross the river." I would watch as she would talk to people who weren't there or would have conversations with inanimate objects. That was when I knew Psych is were I would go after graduation. Thankfully,  I got married soon after graduation moved to PA and landed my first job after my very first interview at a Psych hospital not to far from my apartment. Working in the hospital was a lot harder than I thought but I knew these patients needed me. There were good times and there were bad times. There were times  my patients were super nice and we would have an easy shift. Than there were the bad times. The times where my patients would go into an episode and throw chairs clear across the unit, times when I would be attacked through my med window. Times when I was locked in my med-room until the situations were resolved. And of course the times where I had to unwrap sheets from around a patients neck or get broken glass out of someones hand before they swallowed it. Very scary times were I wasn't sure why I kept going back. But then I realized I was there because God put me there and my patients needed me. When I would do my checks I would ask each patient if they would want me to pray with them, and they did! I would pray with some of the patients before I left my shift and would share Bible stories with them. It helped them and it also helped me. When it was time for me to move on from the hospital it was rough but I knew that it was the right move and boy do I miss some of my patients. I will never forget them and everything I learned from the hospital.
 During the time in the hosiptal and even now as the Head Nurse of Handi*Camp I've learned something. I'm not just their nurse I am their friend as well. Just like the fact Im not just a mom, just a wife,  just a daughter, just a sister. I'm Leah a mother, a friend, a daughter, missionary, cousin, wife and of course  a nurse. This is not the life I envisioned for myself  but its a lot better than I thought it would be and I'm proud of all that Ive accomplished and been through. I will gladly put on my "doctor stethoscope" and make sure all my campers are safe, give out their meds, and be a hand to hold when they need it. It takes a special person to be a nurse and I am happy I get to share this sisterhood (and brotherhood) of nurses with so many amazing people. 

XO
Leah

A Grieiving Mother: Toddler Transitions

When we became pregnant with Presley we were so excited to give Hannah a sibling. Since Hannah would become the older of the children she would move into a big girl room and get her big girl bed before the new baby's arrival in December. We knew quite quickly that we wanted to move Hannah's room and transition her crib pretty soon after camp so we could work on the nursery since we would be almost half way through the pregnancy. After we lost Presley the thoughts of changing Han's room vanished and I knew that going home from camp would be hard because we had those big plans. I remember at one point walking into Hannah's nursery and just crying and grieving that I wasn't able to go through with those plans and that come December I wouldn't be putting a new baby in that room. A few weeks passed and the initial grief wave was over and than we technically lost the baby for the second time and had to get a second surgery. I was yet again worried to go home because even though it was still Presley and I grieved throughout the weeks prior I wasnt quite sure if it would sneak back up when I went into Hannahs room again. Thankfully it didn't.
  About a week ago my turbo toddler started to climb out of her crib. I knew this day would come sooner than I wanted since she climbs on everything. So after talking with Kyle it was time to convert her crib into her toddler bed. I knew she was ready and was a little confused as to why Mommy took pretty much everything out of her room except her crib. While Kyle was taking the crib a part  the emotions and the tears just started to flow unexpectedly. I honestly didn't think it would happen. I wasn't crying because of Hannah growing up. I am thrilled she is becoming a "big girl." Okay yes I am a little sad she isn't in the crib but I know she is safer in the toddler bed and she actually really likes it and Mommy likes that nap strike is over. I was crying because it took me right back to those plans we had before camp. Actually seeing the crib transitioning into a toddler bed and knowing its not because of a new baby was so hard. I haven't cried that hard since Presley passed. It was just a really hard day and as I type this my eyes are swelling up thinking about it. You would think that grief is a short process at least I did but, when its your own child some days it feels like everything makes you cry. I know that most likely when we switch her room for her second birthday and the nursery goes back to being a computer room I will probably cry then too. But just like in a post Ive written before I take the time to cry and I get back up and keep on going, keeping Presley and even Sage in the back of my mind and forefront of my heart. I still hope that eventually the nursery will become a nursery again and Hannah will get her very own baby (at least that is what she would think) but for right now we are just taking things one day at a time, all the transitions and all the tears included.

XO
Leah

A letter: To Hannah's Mother in Law

Dear Hannah's Future Mother in Law,

     I may have met you and maybe I have not. We could have grown up with each other, gone through school together, met at a summer camp, met in passing, or I may not have had the privilege of meeting you yet. But some day I will. When my beautiful Hannah grows up and falls in love and introduces me to the mother who taught her son how to love my daughter. This letter is for you.

     Mother hood is a hard journey and can seem lonely at times. I don't know where you are yet in your journey. Whether your son is getting ready for preschool, hasn't been born yet, or if you are going through the fun yet tiring start of the toddler years. But I want to thank you. I want to thank you for carrying your son for months on end whether the journey was easy or hard, and for giving him life. I want to thank you for the 2am feedings and the sleep depervation. I want to thank you for giving up going out, and hanging out with friends on the weekend because your son needed you. Thank you for the worries, and possible doctor trips for colds and of course staying up to make sure everything is okay. Thank you for allowing part of your heart to walk outside of your body. Thank you for showing this little boy how to love and for loving him unconditionally. Thank you for allowing your little baby to grow up and love my daughter. And of course thank you for loving my daughter as I love her. 

 I want you to know that not only do I pray for a wonderful God fearing boy to enter into my life and whisp my daughter away into marriage (in time, ya know when she's about 45.) but, I pray for you daily. I pray for your health, I pray for your sanity since motherhood can get crazy. I pray that wherever you are on your journey that you are placing your trust in God. I pray for you everyday, as a fellow mother and as a friend and I will continue to pray for you every day.

With love,

Leah 

 Now I get what your saying. Why in the world are you thinking about marriage when your daughter is barely two. I have heard that kids grow up fast and before I know it my almost 2 year old will be older and walking down the aisle to start her new journey. Since she was born I've prayed for the man that in time will go on the marriage journey with Hannah and I pray that he will treat her well and love the Lord just as much as I hope Hannah will. But, these past few months the mother of said son has been on my heart, and I decided to start to pray for her as well. I know that motherhood is hard and I need all the prayer I can get to make it to that wonderful time called bedtime and I'm sure she does too. Maybe one day years from now when we meet I'll show her this letter and let her know that I've been praying for not only her son but for her as well. But, until that day comes, I'll continue to pray. 

XO

Leah 

#MomStatus

When I first realized I was going to be a mom I had dreams and visions of the type of mom I was going to be. I was going to be that Pinterest mom who was good at crafts, could make edible nontoxic play dough, and of course those colorful cakes. That mom with a clean house, nothing out of place dishes and laundry done on a schedule. The mom who would wake up before her family shower, get dressed, do her hair and makeup and of course have an elaborate healthy breakfast ready for when everyone got up. The mom who would spend every minute she could playing with her child lots of outside activities, never raising her voice and just being that perfect mom 

 Well once the pain meds wore off and I was home all of that went straight out the window. That mom does not exist in my house. I've tried but she is a mirage. Instead I'm the realistic mom. I'm the mom who goes to bed too late and wakes up the same time as the toddler. I'm the mom who doesn't remember the last time she took a shower longer than 5 minutes. The mom whose go to outfit is leggings and a messy bun. I've put Barney on so I can drink my coffee in peace while it's still hot. I've hidden in the bathroom so I could have 5 minutes sitting on the floor to read a magazine (thank you nap strike.) The mom who has given her child chicken nuggets because they are easy and I haven't slept in days. I'm the mom who just realized the laundry she put in the washer yesterday...is still in the washer whoops! But I'm the mom who loves unconditionally. Would go to the end of the Earth for my family. Only wants the best for Hannah, will still kiss her and hug her in public even when she doesn't want me too. I'm the mom who isn't perfect and no matter how hard I try to be a perfect mom/wife won't be. Even when I'm on the break of insanity I wouldn't change a thing. Even with the bap strikes, the multiple time outs, the long days and short nights I love my job as mom. And hannah probably doesn't realize that mommy hasn't showered, she's eating chicken nuggets two days in a row, that playing hide and seek is actually let hannah hide and I'll wait 5 minutes to find her so I can brush my teeth. But all she knows is Im her mommy and as long as she is happy and healthy I'm doing my job. She doesn't care about colorful spaghetti and elaborate crafts she just wants to play with mommy, dance barefoot in the kitchen, chase the dog and I can do that all day everyday. As long as she wants her mommy I'm here (and even when she doesn't want me) #momstatusforthewin 

XO

Leah

Life is like a log flume...

...you never know what's going to happen next. So who else said that in a Forrest Gump voice?  Last night we returned from a wonderful 3 day vacation. One of the highlights of vacation is going on the rides at the boardwalk. Anyone who knows me knows I'm petrified of heights. Like clear elevators give me anxiety. Since becoming a mom somedays my anxiety tips the scale. But, during vacation I went on the log flume again after not going on it for a few years.  This log flume wasn't like the one I was on before. This had TWO hills meaning I had to go up and down twice. Oh crap. But I wanted to try it anyway. (It was a hot day and the water looked refreshing.). As we sat down (sister in law, myself, father in law) I was getting nervous and wrestled with the thought of jumping out before we got to the tunnel. Unfortunately, I missed my chance, so I had to stay until the ride was over. I felt the ride go up and I closed my eyes and squeezed the handle bars and we went down. Phew! That was the big hill right...wrong! That was the tiny hill. We got to the top of the big hill and I heard my sister in law say. Hey there's no more water! What?? I opened my eyes to see there was in fact no more water under us, but I looked in the distance and could see the ocean and it was breathtaking and for an instant I forgot that I was about to plunge back down to earth (dramatic I know.) After the ride was finished I felt refreshed and happy that I didn't back out. 

  How does an amusement ride relate to life? Well in life there are so many up and downs. You can feel so many emotions at onetime. These past few months felt like an amusement park ride that I wanted to get off but I couldn't. Even at the lowest points I knew that things could only go up and get better and they have. If I didn't open my eyes on the log flume I would have missed a beautiful view of the ocean. Just like in life I have to keep my eyes open because then I'll hopefully be able to see what lessons I can learn and what God is trying to tell me through the ups and downs of life. At the time being I still have no idea what God has been trying to telling to me or how these months fit into his plan but I'll keep my eyes open and I'll keep looking at what He is trying to say. 

 The next time you're on a ride don't forget to take in the views, and the next time your going through the "downs" of life don't forget to keep your eyes open to see what God is trying to tell you. 

Xo

Leah

It's okay to cry...as long as you get back up

 I absolutely HATE HATE HATE to cry. I don't like to cry alone and you better believe I do not like to cry in front of other people. With the grief associated with losing a child I have spent many days/ nights crying. Yesterday was one of those days. I was so overcome with grief the tears became the words that I couldn't speak. You see we would have been half way through Presleys pregnancy. We would have found out the gender (maybe) and started coming up with ideas for a nursery. I see others having healthy happy pregnancies with a similiar due dates and I'll be the first to admit it gets hard. Am I happy for them YES do I wish that was me YES but currently I have an empty womb and an empty place in my heart. Now I know what some are saying, You have a beautiful toddler how can you be so upset. But losing a child that you never got a chance to meet is hard and its something that no matter how many children I have I will never forget the ones I lost.
 I have had many rough days especially after the second surgery. There have been days where I would rather stay in bed all day and have a pity party but, I cant do that. I have to get up everyday and keep going on with my Life. I refuse to let myself spiral into a black hole of misery. As much as grieving stinks and as much as the tears stream down my face because the words just cant come out, I have to keep going. Yesterday while I was having a cryfest alone in my room a song came over the radio Survivor by Matthew West. The lyrics that really hit hard were "Your strength has been stolen away and your faith has been worn to a fray But you live to live on one more day Cause you're a survivor And nothing can stop you now nothing can back you down, you never give up, you never give in you're a survivor." Isn't that the truth. We are all survivors no matter what the circumstances may be. I pray that who ever is reading this, whatever you have gone through that no matter what, after you have one of those days where its hard to get up, hard to say how you are feeling, that you will get up and keep going because no matter what you've been through you ARE a survivor.

XO
Leah

Kyle's wife, Hannah's mom...whats your name again

When I first got married I wasn't sure how to react to seeing people and being called "oh yea your Kyle's wife" Honestly it drove me crazy that that was my identifier and when ever we went to conferences or banquets people  didn't know my name. Now, I understand everyone who has heard of HVMI know who Kyle is and the fact that well he was born into the ministry. But a girl from New who just got married to Kyle didn't know how to handle it. I wasn't sure if it was a compliment, if people were trying to be funny or just had no idea who I was. I didn't know what do so that people would know me as Leah and not just Kyles Wife.
 When Hannah was born another identifier was born as well. Oh your Hannahs mom. This didnt bug me as much since well she is my daughter and I'm pretty darn proud of the little girl I created. But in a sense why didnt being called Hannahs mom affect me as much as Being called Kyle's wife.
 This weekend we went to a baptism for one of our campers and well I introduced myself to some as Kyle's wife. It may have taken me oh you know a couple years to get used being called Kyle's wife and  not really having my own name but, quite honestly I am so proud to be called Kyle's wife. He is 26 and has accomplished so much in his life. He is the Assistant to the Executive Director,  the director of various other parts of HV. He is a loving husband or works two jobs so that I am able to stay home with Hannah. He is a loving Daddy and strives to make sure Han is okay and is growing up to be a lady.
 So what made the "tides turn" and make me not so crazy that sometimes people don't know my name. Well its the campers of course it all ties back to them.  This weekend at the baptism we greated our camper who just took a huge leap of faith. Of course he was super excited to see Kyle and gave him a hug but then he turned to me and said Leah. My heart melted. Some campers I'm not sure if they know my name other than the fact that Im married to the greatest guy ever but this camper knew my name without me saying anything. That made me realize that in the 7or so years of being a part of Handi*Camp ( I still have what 19 years to catch up to kyle though) that I'm doing something right and the individuals I work with and love are realizing that I am more than Kyle's wife I am Leah.
 What is the point of this rambling blog? Just some thoughts that I wanted to get out but, the next time you see me feel free to call me Kyle's wife, Hannah's mom, Super Nurse(lol) or Leah. Because I am proud to be called any of those. Oh but feel free to call Kyle Leah's husband next time you see him ;)

XO
Leah

P.S I want to start a Q&A on the blog hopefully once a week depending on if I get questions. You ask the questions and I'll answer ( as long as they are appropriate) So feel free to ask whatever you want. Favorite color, how I met kyle, where do I see myself in 5 years etc. Leave a comment here, instagram under this post, or email me LJRobinson89@gmail.com
See you next Wednesday!