In a Blink of an eye

...life goes fast. Since I just got home from camp I couldn't help but think of how fast it went. Starting in January I started my prep for camp and as camp got closer and closer I become very nervous for an assortment of reasons. I thought that camp was going to go slow as it usually does but I don't think It has ever gone this fast. Not even last year as I was waiting for Saul to be born!
 During orientation I still had some final prep work to finish before the campers came that following Monday and I was ready to go and very excited to get camp started. I blinked and week 1 was already over. Thankfully no major incidents occurred minus a few bumps and bruises. I was filing paper work and getting ready for week 2 and I blinked...week 2 was over. Honestly It felt like that for the entire 6 weeks. And it got me thinking about life
 When I had Hannah I was always told "your going to blink and she will be grownup," and to be honest its kind of true. In December she will be 4! I still cant believe it. This time last year I was freaking out knowing I was going to meet my gender suprise baby boom boom in a few days and now he's almost 1! Where did the time go?
 Life moves pretty fast whether we want to admit it or not. And to be honest I will never have this moment right here right now. On July 10th 2017@ 924am. Next thing I know i will be July 10th 2020 at 924am.We need to make the best of this moment we have right now because we will never get it again. I know I am majorly at fault for well sometimes being"lazy" and not playing with my kids like I should but I need to remember how fast life goes and that as clique as all this sounds I need to live in the moment especially with my kids because I wont get it again.  Sometimes that can be hard to think about but its true. I vow to my children that no matter how tired I am I will live in the moment with them (even if it means playing Cinderella with Hannah 100x a day)

XO
Leah

P.S Now that I am home from camp I hope to be able to post at least a weekly blog so be on the lookout!

Two Parts to Mothers Day

Mothers day is always a day filled with different types of emotions. This year Mothers day hit my like a ton of bricks. Not going to lie it was a terrific day (even though 3 out of 4 members of our tribe were sick) So why is it that towards the end of the day I felt overcome with Guilt and found myself crying outside?
Lets start at the begining of the day I was able to sleep in an extra hour thank you to my amazing husband.  After, we went to my favorite diner and I got my all time favorite breakfast, and I got to enjoy it while it was hot since Kyle cut and fed Saul. Once breakfast was over I got some DD coffee and I even got to go inside the store! First time seeing the inside of the New dunkin donuts haha yes its the litle things in life. Then the biggest suprise of the day going to Target! It was so nice perusing the aisles and Trying on clothes alone. Of course I could have spent all day in there but Saul was getting pretty restless.  So homeward bound we went. That night Homemade tacos and one of my favorite movies Clue. It was a perfect day celebrating being a mother to these two precious babes. Did I mention Kyle did the dishes too!
While Kyle was cooking dinner I felt so overcome with emotions that I went outside while the sun was setting and just cried. Dont get me wrong I am so incredibly thankful to be a mother to Hannah and Saul but I cant help feel like Im neglecting being a mother to Sage and Presley. Sage made me a mother for the first time but most people think it was Hannah because you can see her and shes the older out of her and Saul. But Nope I have been a mother since June 2012 even though Hannah wasnt born until Dec2013.  Its so hard to realize that I will never get homemade Mothers day cards from Sage or Pres, Ill never get to hug them squeeze them or tell them how proud I am. Ill never get to see them graduate high school, or get married. The thoughts of what I will be missing out came flooding to my mind and they were thoughts that well quite frankly I never thought about before. But why on Mothers day?
Because Mothers day is a celebration of mothers. Whether you can see the children that made those women mothers or not. Every woman should be celebrated, and my one hope is that every woman found a reason to smile that day.
XO
Leah

8 months Later

July 14th 2016  I sat in a room alone not being able to sleep. After just giving birth the two days prior and having a day full of visitors, visiting myself and new son, I was mentally and physically exhausted. It was a hard day and I needed to see my son. It was 10pm and I went out into the hallway and cried to my nurse about how I was feeling. I just wanted to hold him and make sure he was okay. I was nervous something happened while I wasn't watching. My nurse so sweet said of course I could see him take him back to my room and hold him. I sat with him and cried and cried and cried. Eventually I talked to my doctor and was obviously diagnosed with  postpartum depression and anxiety.
Fast Forward to March 7 2017 and I found myself in the exact same room and the same chair I was in 8 Months ago. I was going in for a regular follow up and my midwife was on the labor delivery unit waiting for a new mother to give birth. They asked if I could go upstairs and see my midwife which is something they never do. I went not realizing what would happen.
So I get upstairs and they tell me to go to room 5 and she will be in there soon. I go and sit (with both kids) and look out the window and realize I am in the same room that I was in 8 months ago. I was sitting and comparing how I felt then to how I felt now and boy was there a huge difference. I wasnt anxious (or sore from giving birth) I was happy. It was overwhelming to be back in the room. I missed having the excitement of a new baby, and the new baby cuddles, but the depression and anxiety I could do without. I was so happy that I no longer felt the way I did last time I was in that room. Once I realized where I was I quickly snapped a picture of the spot I sat when I took the original picture. Of course I wish I moved the chair over, grabbed Saul, and recreated it but that would have taken a little bit. I am just happy where I am at now and I cant wait to see how I will feel in another 8 months

Xo
Leah

Dear 16yr old me..

 I have a lot to tell you so I hope you are ready for it! Better take a seat just incase
Dear 16yr old me,
 I am sorry to tell you but your dreams of becoming a Police Officer never happen. But, instead you became a Nurse!
Dear 16yr old me,
 Remember how you said you would never get married or have children.....well you did both! You got married at 21 to an amazing man. A man who is so much greater then you ever expected. And you have 4 children! Sage, Hannah, Presley, and Saul
Dear 16yr old me,
 I am sorry to tell you but unfortunately two of those children (Sage, Presley) you never got to meet. Those two seperate incidences will be some of the roughest things you will ever go through. But I am here to tell you, you will get through them and you always try to keep their memory alive!
Dear 16yr old me
Do you remember that summer camp your brother worked at? Well your going to start working there next summer!
Dear 16yr old me,
When you leave for camp and your mother says " you never know you could meet your future husband at camp.." believer her!
Dear 16yr old me,
Life is hard! There will be many times in your life when you just aren't sure what is happening. Life will throw you more then a few curveballs but, you take them like a catcher in a baseball game and you come out stronger on top.
Dear 16yr old me,
 Life doesnt turn out how you wanted. Its not all rainbows and unicorns its hard. But trusting in God and having your husband and children by your side you are able to do anything! and life is so much better then you wanted!
Dear 16yr old me,
 I am so proud of you!

XO
Leah

If you could go back in time and tell the younger version of your self something what would it be?

An insightful Dream

Obviously if you follow this blog you know my struggles with Postpartum depression. It's a never ending battle and I'm assuming, after a dream the other night it's on my mind even when I'm sleeping.
After talking with doctors switching around some things I finally found a regiment to help me feel semi normal. But after a dream I had my eyes are more open and I am so much more aware of what is going on more than what medication or talking it out can do.
So this dream...it started that I had a weekend full of weddings to attend. The last wedding was for a women named Alison and once I got to the reception (held at my home church) I was questioned as to how I knew the bride. I couldn't answer and was accused of stalking the wedding. I realized I was my mother's plus one but due to the allegations I left. As I was walking to my car I noticed a baby stroller with a baby in it so I  started to walk towards it to see if the baby was in need. Once I realized the baby's father was around I decided to keep going instead of turning around to my car. I ended up walking through what looked like Camden NJ at night and realized many people needed help. I then noticed I had a fanny pack full of bandaids and antibiotics ointment and helped everyone I could. I continued walking and noticed the walls were covered in writing, the writing that you would see under a black light. These writings were words and sentences that I have found my self saying to myself in the past. as I was walking I was essentially getting lost within this building, covered in these not so nice sentences. As I was walking just trying to find a way out I didn't know what to do. Eventually I saw a light and ran towards it. It got brighter and brighter and brighter until I realized I was outside! It was beautiful! I was in what looked to be a realistic future with hover cars and robots and also noticed the year was 2982. Meaning everyone I loved was not around anymore (yes yes I know I wouldn't be around either but it was a dream.)
When I woke up it was as if I woke up from a fog. It all made sense! That dream was showing me that if I keep in this dark depression state I  am going to miss out on so much, with my kids, with my husband, with the one life I have. I'm not one to ever interpret dreams but I honestly believe it was my subconscious telling me to shape up. But since that dream I have been happy, more aware of my actions and quite frankly I have laughed. It's been a long time since I've laughed and it was so nice. So I think it's safe to say that my dream was a wish my heart made (without me realizing it of course lol)

XO
Leah

I'm (not) Fine

Those words not in parthensis are the words I've uttered to myself and those around me for the past month.  Unbeknownst to any of us my depression and anxiety slowly crept back into my life. It started lightly by me having no motivation to clean my house, or take care of myself. I attributed it to just being legitimately tired. I found myself just wanting to sit and cry, go back to bed and not deal with life, of course I thought it was just being overwhelmed with kyle traveling so much. I would check on the kids every hour during the night (usually it was the one hour Saul actually slept) to make sure they were breathing and okay. If I tried to convince myself they were okay I would nearly go into a panic attack of what ifs.
Obviously my PPD/PPA is different then others. The stigma with Post Partum Depression is that since I've been diagnosed with it I want to harm myself or my children. That is very untrue in my case. I want my children to be safe but I am not doing anythung to enrich their lives. There has been way to much TV time for my liking, barely any playtime, I was just doing what I had to do to get through the day until I could go back to sleep. Looking back on it all it makes me so upset at all those missed opputunities to teach and play. Those are times I will never get back and my depression stole it from me.
Yesterday 2/6 is when it all came to the front of my mind. I was sitting in a meeting and ready to run out of there. I stopped and thought to myself my goodness what is going on with me and then it hit, I am depressed. After it was over I raced out to call my doctor since everything made so much sense now. I cried on the phone explaining my feelings and everything that has happened. We agreed to try some different things and meet in a few weeks to see if any other adjustments need to happen.
The journey of depression is a rough one. I'm not quite sure when I will be as happy as I once was but I know it will happen and I'll get to that point. Now, that I realized what was wrong I can make the changes that need to happen so my family isn't deprived of fun memories with mom.

XO
Leah

Starry eyed, sleep deprived, mombiefied

That pretty much sums up life since Saul was born almost 6 months ago! To be honest Saul is an awful sleeper. Like 15min catnap here and there. On a good night ill get 4hours of sleep (not consectivly more like a half hour here and there maybe an hour thrown in) To say I'm tired is an understatement. Last night was the worst he was up all night! And when he's awake the whole world knows. I got tired of getting up and down so I brought him downstairs to "cuddle" Yes cuddling is in quotes since my boy doesn't cuddle, try cuddling a cat and that's like trying to cuddle Saul lol. But while we were downstairs I realized something...
I love this! Yes I am exhausted and forget my own name but while I was nursing him I realized how quiet it was. It reminded me of the first snow fall when there's no cars outside and it's a beautiful quiet. I looked down at my not so sleepy nursing son and he gave me the biggest giggle and smile. And I realized this time with him won't last. This time of just me and him before the busyness of the day will soon be a memory. During the day between cleaning the house and entertaining the toddler I don't get a ton of time with my boy so this time while the rest of the world is sleeping is our time. And even though it would be a gift to get 5 straight hours of sleep for now ill take this sleep deprivation. In a blink of an eye he will be a toddler and then a teenager and then hopefully married and moved out, soon he won't need me as much as he does now. I gotta take the good with the bad, look at the silver lining ya know all those cliche sayings.
So the next time you see me with bags under my eyes so bad Michael Korhs named a purse after them, just know that on the inside I absolutely love this life I was given, sleep deprivation and all!

XO
Leah